


Strange New Life

by QrowBlaq



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Bullying, Childhood Trauma, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by Music, Long, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, S&M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 81,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QrowBlaq/pseuds/QrowBlaq
Summary: This will be long. Don't know how long but long. Each chapter is named after a song.Takes place after Revalations 2. Natalia is 15 and trying to live a normal life as high school student but the memories from Alex start to take over.Kind of a sequel to Project W.
Relationships: Albert Wesker/Alex Wesker, Alex Wesker/male OC, Alex/female OC
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Unravel

Chapter 1 Unravel  
“Well now who could it be, that lives inside of me?  
I'm broken, lying helpless, shattered  
Surrounded by the world  
And yet, your smiling bright  
Completely blind to life”- Unravel, Ling Tosite Sigure

Natalia had settled into her new life pretty well. The few years passed by quickly. She had recently turned 15. Preparing to start her first year of high school. All the trauma and therapy and adoption took a while, so she got held back a year. But once Barry finally had her enrolled in the local school she was happy to be leading a normal life. Except..  
“She hasn’t made any friends in two years of going to school.” Dr. Haupman said. “ I am somewhat concerned by this. I’m afraid her traumatic experience has left her unable to relate to others. “  
Barry and his wife sat at the office, with Natalia sitting behind them.  
“Is there anything we can do to help? “ Kathy asked.  
Natalia just sat there with her head bowed. Things were going to get complicated, weren’t they?  
“I would like to hear what Natalia has to say about it at first.” The man said.  
Letting out a sigh she spoke.  
“Well.. It’s just all the other kids seem so immature. I prefer to study.”  
It was true. And her grades were excellent. On most subjects anyway.  
“I’m happy to hear that.” The doctor said.” Education is important. But human beings are social creatures. We need connections to accomplish anything. On our own we are nothing” he said in that Northern European accent she had gotten used to over the couple years.  
“As for how you can help” he diverted his attention back to Barry and Kathy.” I think you should consider transferring her to a different school. I know a special school for the gifted. Considering her grades Natalia should have no problems getting accepted. I think being around like minded, more mature students would be helpful.  
Barry and Kathy exchanged glances.  
“Well, if you say so doctor. “ he agreed. 

Dr. Haupman was in charge of monitoring Natalia. He was recommended by TerraServe and constantly updated them on anything unusual. He was aware of the experiment that might have resulted in the consciousness of Alex Wesker being transferred into Natalia. He even confirmed it to be true.  
Natalia didn’t feel any different but sometimes she remembered things. Memories that weren’t hers. It often occurred when she was asleep. Dreams of people and places she knew she never visited. Feelings of fear and panic, confusion often accompanied those dreams.  
The most recent incident however was a drawing. In art class when asked to draw a picture of their families, Natalia ended up with something that was not her dead parents or the Burtons. It was a group of fourteen people, thirteen blond children in white clothes and a man in wheel chair in the middle. Upon seeing this a deep feeling of sadness overwhelmed her and she broke down crying not even sure why to begin with. This caused some extra monitoring of her actions that continued all trough out summer. It was stressful. But as long nothing else happened she would be able to go out unsupervised once more.  
A new school sounded like an interesting idea. She would miss the old school and it’s cozy little library where she spent most of her time reading. It wasn’t something she considered but the moment she first came there and began wondering among the shelves and saw a book by Kafka it triggered some kind of strange familiarity. Nostalgia? Longing?  
The teachers praised her on her essays and on how much of mature reader she was. Most kids in her class were reading Harry Potter and some stupid book about sparkling vampires. She did well in other subjects too. There was that feeling of familiarity with them. Biology, chemistry, physics, mathematics, even IT. She wasn’t fond of arts but she could draw well enough. She was average in athletics. She found history boring. A lot of the events she knew more about, somehow then the books did. Especially when it came to modern times and all the warfare and B.O.W. . . Yes, Natalia was aware, a little bit at least. She was told about the woman who tried to transfer herself into her head. Some of this was partially because of her. But Natalia liked to study, something she believed was her own genuine feelings. The extra knowledge did come in helpful. Especially during tests.  
The new school was big, even huge compared to the old one. It was a long drive away from where Barry lived. Outside a smaller town. It did have dorms for students but after the recent incident there was no way she would be left unsupervised. Barry wasn’t happy about the everyday long drives to school and back they would have to take. Natalia didn’t care much. They drove to take the entrance test and Natalia got a high score. Then the tour of the campus. Barry spoke with the headmaster and the deputy about Natalia’s situation. Leaving out the mind transfer and the hard to explain stuff. She a survivor of Terragrigia, who was targeted and kidnapped by terrorist and deeply traumatized by those evens. So if she did anything strange the school was supposed let them know. 

The closer it came to returning to school the more anxious she felt. Not sure why. She liked to study. But this new place was so far away. It was going to be different. The dreams had become more frequent. But she kept quiet about it. It seemed that Barry was still angry about the drawing thing. She he wasn’t angry at her. He was angry at the woman inside her head. But it was getting difficult to tell where exactly the boundary between the two of them began.  
Annett was laughing at something. Some company party. Daniel’s grinning face as he flirted with every woman in the room. Clearly drunk. And him. Blond hair. Icy blue eyes hidden behind dark lenses.  
Natalia woke up with tears streaming down her face. A feeling of sadness and loneliness crushing her chest. Natalia never really had friends her age. But those memories. Not hers. Showed her what it was like to have them. To belong. Lottie was her friend (Barry bought her a new Lottie). Not really. Lottie was a bear, a toy, not a person. The stuffed bear sat on a chair in her room. It was Polly’s old room. She wore Polly’s old dresses. She is fifteen yet still wears the same style of clothes. Barry still sees her as a little girl. She isn’t.  
On the first day of school it becomes painfully apparent. She is late. Not her fault. There was a lot of traffic. She bumped into a girl on her way to class. But she was lost. The school was so big. She wasn’t even sure if her class was in this building or in the next one.  
“Watch it twerp!” the tall blond with a short skirt and a cashmere sweater looked down at her.  
“Who let a kid in here?” her friends began to talk among themselves.  
“Kindergarten is that way”  
“Did you get a boo boo? Are you gonna cry?  
Natalia got up and apologized.  
“Yeah, whatever. Watch where you’re going brat”  
She ended up being late for class. The teacher was mad at her. The other students mocked her in whippers behind her back. She was so distracted she couldn’t focus and ended up answering complete wrong. The whole class burst into laughter even the teacher was struggling to suppress an amused smile. Class dragged on forever or so it seemed.  
She was in the girl’s room when she hear some girls girl’s talking.  
“Did you get a load of the new girl?”  
“Yeah, I know right? What is up with those clothes?”  
“And those braids?”  
“I know right. She’s like some kind of freak. “  
“Yeah, I bet she’ll drag us down.”  
“I don’t want to be known for being in the class with the freak.”  
“Don’t worry. I have plan to send her back where ever the hell she came from.”  
Natalia buried her face on the skirt of her dress. Pulling her feet up on to the toilet to avoid getting spotted. She hadn’t even spoken to those people yet and they wanted to get rid of her. Hot tears streamed down her face. She waited to hear the girls leave and began sobbing loudly.  
She must have fallen asleep at some point. She was kneeling on the floor with a checker board pattern. Her knees hurt. The peas under the cloth digging in painfully. She was crying. It hurt. The man in front of her adjusted his glasses and told her to do it again. She looked at the open book in front of her. She couldn’t read it. Her eyes too blurry. The belt cracked trough the air, hitting her back. Read it again, from the top. It won’t end until she does it without any mistakes. Her long blond hair falling around her face.  
Natalia jumped, startled by the bell. She was dazed and confused. It took her time to figure out where she was. Then she remembered she was supposed to be in class. Not sure what time it was. She washed her face with cold water and undid her braids. Hopping the hair would hide her face. The halls were empty. The class she was supposed to be having was in another building. She took of running. Once again she bumped into somebody.  
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She began apologizing.  
Slowly she opened her eyes trying to see who she hit this time.  
It was girl with black hair that had blue ends. She wore dark make up and black leather clothes.  
“Hey. Are you alright.” She said reaching a hand out to Natalia.  
There were peppers scattered all around the hall.  
“I’m sorry.” She said again taking the hand and getting up.  
“Don’t worry about it.”  
“Uhm, thanks” she said looking at the mess on the floor.  
There seemed to a picture of the same person on all the papers.  
“You’re looking for someone?”  
“Yeah. My friend had gone missing but nobody in this fucking down gives a damn. Oh, by the way. I’m Lucy.”  
Natalia felt her head spitting. Still confused and stressed out by the day she had.  
“Nice to meet you. “She bent down to pick up the posters.  
“Didn’t you have somewhere to be?” Lucy reminded her.  
“Oh, no I forgot about class. Sorry, I got to go.” She took of running again.  
“Wait. What’s your name?” Lucy called after her.  
“It’s Alex”  
Right after the words left her mouth Natalia paused. She had made it to the yard and stopped dead in her tracks.  
“Why did I say that?” she thought mortified.  
“ I have to go back and tell her my name.” She resolved.  
She rushed back to the hallway where she bumped into Lucy but the girl was gone. Natalia stopped to look at the poster up on the billboard. The hand drawn image of the girl drew her gaze to it. Ashley Davis. Age 16. Missing since July 22nd. There was something about the drawing. The life like details. A feeling of familiarity crept up her spine. The girl seemed familiar, well not the girl, but something about her. It was something she knew but could not remember. She had never hear the name, she was certain. And yet…  
Barry picked her up and Natalia tried to act optimistic. Not mentioning anything that happened today. He seemed to believe her. It felt strange. She had never lied to him before. But she didn’t want him to be mad at her, to be disappointed. She knew she should feel bad. Yet it felt strangely familiar, even easy to lie. It was to a part of her. 

„I'll stand here  
Existing and feeling wretched existence  
Consuming life-force 'til I grow distant  
Don't bother searching for somebody like me  
A fading no one  
I don't want to hurt you, it's not my nature  
A monster born from dusk to dawn can't be your saviour  
Remember the 'me', the way I used to be“

Note. So, I imagine Dr. Haupman as Madds Mikkelsen. ( You'll understand if you've seen Hanibal)


	2. No Care

Chapter 2 No Care   
No one asks me for dances because I only know how to flail  
I always hit like I'm drowning, dead arms around him  
I'd rather stand still  
Hold tightly to the walls  
No care, no care in the world  
No care, no care in the world  
I don't care, I don't care anymore  
I don't care, I don't care- No Care, Daughter

The next day she doesn’t do her hair up in braid anymore. She looks at her clothes with mixed feelings. The dresses she liked were what got her bullied. Once wearing them made her feel like a princess. In the mirror she sees herself. Not the little girl she was when she came here. She had grown taller. She had long hair. Her waist was slender. Long athletic legs. Her breasts were small but starting to develop. Then the reflection changed. She was tall, taller than her current self. Her hair was blond. Beautiful. Natalia takes a step back from the mirror. Blinks. The reflection is her own. Barry knocks on the door. It’s time to go. She dresses in a hurry. Putting on a skirt and shirt.   
She is nervous. The moment they approach the school gate the feels like she will be sick. Yet she manages to smile. Waive at Barry as he leaves wishing her a good day. Then the smile falls. She hugs the bag to her chest and walks to class. Head bowed, not looking at anyone. Somebody trips her by sticking out their leg. She stumbles. Boys laugh. Natalia feels her face burn with anger and shame. She won’t cry. She won’t give the satisfaction. She keeps walking.   
In class she just sits by the window in the far back. Trying to follow the lecture. Once the class is over she waits for all the other to leave. She wonders if she will see Lucy today. She looks out for the familiar black hair with blue ends. But she doesn’t see her anywhere. Not even during lunch break. When the students are out and about everywhere. She then looks for a quiet place to read. She used to know all the nooks in her old school. Here she can’t find a secret spot that wasn’t occupied already. Some boys smoking in a narrow alley between buildings. A couple making out. Finally she gives up. Break is almost over anyways. Then she sees something black in the corner of her eyes. Outside the fence of the school is a person. They seem to be putting a poster on the street light.   
Natalia walks closer.   
“Hey!”   
The girl turns around.   
“Hey, Alex”   
Natalia feel embarrassed. She wants to tell her the truth. Somebody walking behind her calls out.   
“Hey, Nat-all- ya. Class is this way, dumbass” it’s one of her classmates  
The other boys seem to find it funny.   
Well the cat is out of the bag now.   
“So, you going to class? Or do you have better things to do?” Lucy questions her.   
“I should get going... What about you?” She says.   
“I’ve been suspended.”   
“What did you do?”   
“I punched a teacher.”   
“Oh my god. Seriously?”   
“Yup. That art teacher. Mr. Hoffman is a real perv.” Lucy said.   
The bell rang loudly. Natalia hasn’t moved an inch. She should go to class, she knew that. But her legs wouldn’t move.   
“So. You wanna help me put up some posters?”   
She nodded her head.   
“Great. Climb over and we can go.”   
To her own surprise Natalia managed to get over the fence.   
“I’ve never done anything like this before.” She said.   
“You serious?” Lucy laughed.  
“I didn’t want to get into trouble.” She said.   
“You won’t. Cuz nobody here gives a fuck. The only ways to make it to the top here is money, money and more money. Or you suck the teacher’s dick.”   
“I thought this was a school for special people.”   
“Oh their special alright. The biggest snobs, bitches, stuck up kind of special you’ll ever find.”   
“Ouch.” Natalia sighed “ I guess Dr. Haupman was wrong about this place.”   
“Who’s he?”   
“My psychiatrist.”   
“Oh. Sorry.”   
“So where are we going?” Natalia asked.   
They had turned off the sidewalk and were walking deeper into the woods.   
“I need to get more posters.” Lucy said.   
The narrow forest path lead to a seemingly run down wooden cabin. With a single cracked window.   
“Don’t tell anyone about this place. Alright?”   
“I promise.”   
“This is my and Ash’s special place.” Lucy took out a key and unlocked the padlock on the door.   
“Wow it’s so cool!” Natalia said looking inside.   
There were several carpets covering the floor. A mattress on the ground. Posters of films and bands all over the walls. One table covered in cardboard boxes full of books and records. The other had a box stuffed with clothes and a cat bed with a black cat sleeping in it.   
“You keep a cat here?”   
“Nah, that’s just Cid. He’s already been living here when we found the place. So really he’s more like the landlord here. And we’re just squatting. “  
Natalia moved to pet the cat. He rose his head lazily and yawned. Then sniffed her hand and rubbed against it asking for more pets.   
“He likes you.” Lucy said.   
Natalia felt happy. She wanted Lucy to like her. Not sure why. Lucy seemed different from the other kids here. She was nice. And maybe reminded her of Moira a little bit.   
“Hey, if you wanna borrow some clothes that cool. “   
Natalia looked at the box of clothes.   
“You don’t mind?”   
“Me and Ash would skip out regularly. I think you and Ash are about the same size too.”   
“Thanks”   
“No problem, Alex”   
Natalia was unsure why she called her that. She was certain that Lucy hear the boys call her Natalia.  
“Um.. that’s not actually my name.” she said.   
“So, what? If that what you want to go by, fine by me.”   
Natalia wasn’t sure if she wanted to go by that.   
“It’s way to quiet in here. I’ll put something on.” She plugged phone into a small speaker.   
Natalia never heard this kind of music. She never really listened to it. Whatever Barry put on in the car and it was usually country, or modern pop when Kathy drove her anywhere. She took out a t-shirt with sleeves that were ripped and mended with safety pins. It had a picture of a rose on fire. A pair of jeans, with tears in them and a green military jacket.   
“Wow. You look sic!”   
“Umm, sorry”   
“No that means you look awesome.”   
“Oh.”   
She looked at the cracked mirror hanging unevenly on the wall. She didn’t look like herself. But she wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing.   
“We should do something about your hair.”   
Natalia looked at her loose messy hair.   
“Maybe I should cut it?”   
“We could shave part of it. That would cool on you.”   
She remembered the image in the mirror this morning.   
“Maybe, I could die it blond.”   
“Yeah, highlights would be cool too. Me and Ash used to each other’s hair all the time.”   
“What happened to her?” Natalia asked.   
“She went missing.” Lucy said, sitting down on the mattress and reaching into a box covered with a towel. She tossed a can to Natalia. The girl looked at it. The can said “Monster”. She opened it and took a sip. The taste was strange but not unpleasant. Lucy grabbed another can.  
“So I met Ash three years ago. We’ve been tight ever since. BFF’s. Then last year after school got out. Me I and my mom went out of town. I texted Ash every day but then one day the messages stopped. I though she was just busy. Her parents are both doctors, they own a clinic in town. So every summer they go on vacation somewhere. So I figure they were just out. But then she didn’t come back. School started and she wasn’t back.”   
“Did you try the police.”   
“Yeah, they didn’t seem to care to much.”   
“Her parents are looking for her too. Right?”   
“I don’t know. They never approved of me and Ash being friends. When I came by their house they just told me to get lost. They don’t seem to worry about her at all. Like their daughter is missing and they don’t even care. Like no one in this god damn town cares. “   
Natalia remembered how much Barry tried to get Moira back.   
“ That’s strange.” She said.   
“Yeah I know.”   
“Do have any idea where she could be? Maybe she vanished while they were on vacation. She could be far away somewhere.”   
“No. She sent me this. “ Lucy took her phone and shoved her a picture.   
It was the same girl only not a drawing. Red hair with green highlights. A red square patterned shirt on. Trees in the background. “Waiting for you, Lu.” Said the text.   
“ Do you know where this was taken?”   
“Kind of. I tried looking. She sent this to me when I was away. She didn’t go on holiday with her parents. She said they were leaving on the 17th. This picture was taken on the 22nd. I got back on the 23rd. she was gone. I only later found out about it. So all this time I just thought she was on holiday. When I could have been looking. “ Lucy took a sip of her drink.   
“ So where is this place?”   
“ On the other side of town. When you leave the town. We used to hand out there. This is somewhere close. But I couldn’t find where exactly. The woods from here connect. It’s all just forest from this side to the next across the mountains. Maybe she got lost in the woods. OR maybe she just left. She often said she wanted leave. She wanted to go to Seattle. Maybe she hitch hiked. Mayne she got picked up by some creep who did god knows what to her. “Lucy sighed angrily.   
“I’ll help you look.”   
“Thanks. I keep hopping she’s alive. That she’ll have her fun and come back.”   
“Yeah. You shouldn’t give up.”   
“I won’t. Not until I find her.”   
Lucy grabbed a stack of posters from another box on the floor.   
“Did you draw all of these?”   
“Well. Ashley got me into drawing. She was really into photography. We did dream about applying for art school together.”   
Natalia had no idea what she wanted to do after school. She wasn’t even sure if she had something she could call a talent. With her grades a carrier in science was always on option but something kept her back from it.   
Lucy gave a stack of posters to Natalia and they headed into the town. Stapling posters to anywhere and everywhere. Hiding from passing police and angry shop owners who would tear down illegal posters. It was kind of fun. So much that she lost track of time.   
“Oh, crap.” Normally she didn’t say bad words but if felt strangely good. “Barry is going to pick me up at 4PM I need to get changed and get my schoolbag.”.”   
The clock on her phone showed 3:45.   
“We have to get back to the school.” Natalia said feeling scared all of a sudden.   
If she got caught. If they found out she was not at school. What would they do? Would she even be allowed to live with Barry anymore?   
“I know a shortcut.” Lucy said. Dragging her though the allies into the woods.   
She barely made it to house. Got into the clothes she left with in the morning and climbed over the fence into the school yard. Lucy tossed her the bag.   
“See you tomorrow?”   
“Definitely.” Natalia flashed her a smile.   
She ran across the yard to the main school entrance where Barry was waiting.   
“Sorry” said. “Had gym class”   
Barry said nothing. They drove back home. Kathy was making dinner. Natalia headed upstairs for a shower.   
“Hey, could I stay until 6pm tomorrow. It’s for a group project. “she asked during dinner.   
“Of course dear. “ Kathy said.   
“Don’t forget you have to see Dr. Haupman Friday.” Barry said.” He wants to see how you are doing in a new school. “   
She nodded.   
“Can we go shopping afterwards?”   
She had never really asked for anything like this. She had been happy with what she had been given.   
Kathy and Barry looked at each other.   
“Well, I have to go work.” Barry said.   
“ I have an appointment with my dentist.” Kathy said.” But I’m sure we can arrange for somebody to take you. “   
Natalia felt a little angry. Being treated like a kid. Not allowed to do anything by herself.   
“Maybe I can go alone?” she asked.   
“We need to get approval first. You know that.” Barry said.   
“I know. But nothing strange has happened recently. And it’s been three months since. I’m fine. I promise.”   
“We know, sweetie. But we need to be careful.” Barry said.   
Natalia felt disappointed. Angry even. Somehow all of this felt so familiar. Like this had already happened. Some old man telling her what she can and can’t do. Having to get approval for every little thing. God, she hated it. She snuck into Moira’s old room and began going thought some of the clothes she left behind. Finding an old black t-shit with an electric guitar on it and some ripped jeans she put them on. She put on the song Lucy played in the house and took some scissors from the drawer. One by one strands of her hair fell to the bathroom floor. Her long hair was now only half as long as it had been. She wept it to one side over her shoulder and smiled to herself in the mirror. It felt familiar, it felt right. More like herself again. Again? What a strange thought. When was she ever not herself? 

Love you in a panic because I prefer to sit on fences  
Spit-kissing on my sickbed  
I'm not searching for replacements  
But we are like broken instruments  
Twisted up and wheezing out the runnels  
Sleepless folks watching light grow through their early morning windows  
I don't care, I don't care anymore  
I don't care, I don't care


	3. Teen Spirit

Chapter 3 Teen Spirit   
Load up on guns, bring your friends  
It's fun to lose and to pretend  
She's over-bored and self-assured  
Oh no, I know a dirty word  
Hello, hello, hello, how low  
Hello, hello, hello, how low  
Hello, hello, hello, how low  
Hello, hello, hello  
With the lights out, it's less dangerous  
Here we are now, entertain us  
I feel stupid and contagious  
Here we are now, entertain us  
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido  
Yeah, hey- Smells like teen spirit, Nirvana   
She wears her hair in a bun so nobody would notice she’s cut it. She tosses the clothes from Moira’s room into her bag. She changes in the girl’s room. Undoes her hair. She still looks a little bit childish. All the other girls wear makeup. She wonders if she should try.   
Natalia goes to class. She looks different. Nobody could mock her for looking and dressing like kid. Not that she cares anymore. She can’t wait to spend time with Lucy again. Lucy is fun. Lucy is nice to her. Not like the others here. She finishes her homework during lunch break. Most of it anyways. She is leaning against the fence when she hears a familiar voice.   
“Hey, Alex.”   
Natalia grins.   
“Hey, Lu.”   
“Wow. You cut your hair!”   
“Yeah, it’s been kind of annoying me. “   
“You look cool.”   
“So we’re gonna hand more posters today?”   
“ I got a better idea.”   
Wearing pants made it easier to get over the fence.   
“So what the plan?”   
“We’re going to the other side of town.” Lucy said. “ Let’s hop a bus.”   
“Won’t we look suspicious? It’s school hours.”   
“Don’t worry.  
“Plus I don’t have any money. Kathy always packs me lunch. So I don’t get any for school.” She said feeling kind of sad.   
“Dude, no problem. I know where to get cash. Besides we won’t really need it.”   
They walked to the bus stop and waited. The bus soon shoved up. People started to get off. Lucy pulled her into the crowd and behind the barrier between seats. They were hidden from sight and there seemed to be no other passengers who could tell on them. They were illegally riding a bus. It was wrong, yet kind of fun. Natalia was struggling with how she felt about this. She wanted Lucy to like her. She wanted to have a friend. She felt lonely. And perhaps she was not the only one. There was something exiting about breaking the rules. Something nostalgic…   
In the next stop Lucy dragged her out of the bus. They were in town now. In a suburban area.   
“Let’s go.”   
She followed. They went into the woods outside the suburb. There was a path, wide and paved. Soon it lead into a park.   
“Wow. this is beautiful” Natalia said looking around.   
“We used to come here so Ash could take pictures. But were not quite there yet.”   
They walked to the edge of the park. Into the woods again. Small wooden steps going uphill. They ended up on a cliff overlooking the entire park. The golden and red trees, the little river going around the park.   
“So pretty.”   
“Yeah. “ Lucy said. “We used to hand here a lot. But we had one other place. Since a lot of people come here. Two student’s kind of stand out. “  
Natalia noticed there were a lot of people with small kids.   
“Yeah. I don’t want to get caught.”   
They went back into the woods. A different path. Natalia tried to memorize it. It lead to an old garbage dump. One that looked illegal. Like somebody just started dumping old washing machines, televisions , cars and other junk in the woods. No fence, no workers, nothing.   
“You used to hand out here?” Natalia said looking at the garbage.   
“Uhuh.”   
“This place is dump.”   
“Yeah. But’s had a lot of cool stuff.” She said walking over to one of the old cars.   
It was a red sports car with a busted side.   
“Like what?”   
“You’ll see”   
Lucy led her around showing her the swing they made from an old tire. A fort from old washing machines and garbage bags. Crawling inside there was barely space for two but the drums of the machines were filled with stuff. Old toys. Comic books, drawings.   
“This was our first special place.”   
“Why did you leave?”   
“Well one day there was bad storm, we were here and the wind was so strong we almost got crushed by a falling washing machine. Ash was the one who called for help. My leg got stuck under the thing.”   
“Ouch. That had to hurt. “  
“Well my mom found out and that was the end of that. We couldn’t hand out here anymore. We still did sometimes but we needed a new place. “   
“How did you find the house?”   
“Well there was an urban legend. The house was a tool shed for the grounds keeper of the school but he actually lived there. I don’t remember why. Maybe wife kicked him out. This all happened like fifteen years ago. So, teens from the school would throw parties in the area. Like in the woods. And he didn’t like the noise. So he killed them. “   
“I don’t believe that.” Natalia said. “You made it up. “   
“Believe it or not. The police found dozens of bodies in the woods outside the shack. It’s a good walk from it but I can show you the place.”   
“That is seriously messed up.” She said.”   
“Yeah, that’s why nobody goes there and we picked it for our secret spot. And it being close to the school. “   
“Makes sense.” Natalia agreed. “So for some reason Ashley came back here, instead of the house. Do you have any idea why? “   
“I don’t. I was hoping she left a message for me but I’ve searched this place all over and nothing.”   
They took a different way back. Walking along the road. There was an old billboard just at the entrance of town. It was covered with posters of missing people. Some more recent, like few months ago, others dating two years back or even four or five years.   
“Looks like people go missing a lot here.” Natalia said.   
“Yeah. Well, it is a lot of forest. A lot of people go hiking. Must be the bears.”   
“You think Ashley ran into a bear?”   
“I don’t think she went in that deep. And there haven’t been any sightings of one. For a long time. If one came to town it would be on the news. “   
They caught another bus back to school. She remembered she had asked Barry to pick her up later. So they spent some time just hanging out. Lucy decided to introduce her some band called “Nirvana”.   
“We should do your hair tomorrow.” Lucy said.   
“Tomorrow is Friday.”   
“Yeah. Last day of school. The best day!”   
“Sorry. I have an appointment with Dr. Haupman. “  
“Right I guess all see you sometime next week. Oh, right. I don’t have your number. We can keep in touch.”   
Kathy was the one to pick her up. Barry went to the B.S.A.A. HQ for something. So he was going to not be home for a few days. Her appointment with Dr. Haupman went as usual. She didn’t go into details about the bullying, or that she had been skipping school.   
“You cut your hair. Is there a reason for that?” He inquired.   
“I feel like I’m fitting better. Long hair is not really in style.”   
“Trying to fit in with your peer. That’s good. “   
“And I made a friend.” She said.   
Saying made her feel happy. She didn’t really realize it until now but Lucy was her friend.   
“I’m happy for you, Natalia.” He said. “ It seems our time is up. I’ll be seeing you at the end of the month.”   
Moira and Claire picked her up since Kathy was at the dentist. They took her to a mall. Both noticed her hair. She had it in a bun when Kathy drove her but decided to let it loose later.   
“Wow, Nat, nice hair cut!” Moira exclaimed.   
“Thanks. I did it myself.”   
“So you want to go shopping?”   
“Yeah. I feel like I need a new look. You know, new school and all.”   
The two didn’t follow her around as much, just waited outside the store. Having money and shopping on her own felt good. They were walking past a piercing salon and the way back to the car.   
“Can I get my ears pierced?”   
Moira and Claire looked at each other and then at her.   
“Sure. I don’t see why not.”   
“Thanks. “   
It hurt a bit but she felt rather happy she did it.   
“Well looks like she’s alright. “ Claire said.   
“Yeah. I was worried a bit.” Moira said.   
“Natalia’s just a normal teenager.” Claire agreed. “Despite having some of Wesker’s memories.”  
“I’m sure she’ll forget those eventually.”  
“Let’s hope so.”   
When they drove her back Natalia felt tired.   
“Thanks. “She said when Claire dropped her off at the home.   
“No problem.”   
“Oh, and could you tell Kathy that I got my hair cut at the mall, when you call her?”   
Claire give her a questioning look.   
“She hasn’t seen it yet. I want it to be a surprise.”   
“Sure.” Moira gave her a thumb up.   
Kathy was still not back so she had some time to herself. It was rare for her to be alone in the house. Getting on her computer Natalia decided to look into the missing people in the area. After some searching she found a website that was dedicated to this very topic. The map seemed to highlight three major areas of disappearances. On was the town where Lucy lived. The other was a town further away. And the last was a town on the other side of the mountains. As she stared into these red dots on the map, forming a triangle between them, her head began to buzz. There was something there. Something she couldn’t remember.   
There were pictures too. Pictures taken by the people that went missing. Most of the m looked like the picture Ashley sent Lucy. Forest in the background. The places looked similar. Then one picture stood out. There was a tall white tree. Slim, slender, no branches. Just a white pole of a tree. It stood out against the greenery. The picture was taken at a darker time, evening, or morning hard to tell. She searched for other pictures like it. There was another one. But something was off. It was not the same location. Or at least the tree wasn’t in the same place as before. The other trees seemed to line up with the other picture but the white one was on opposite side. Then there was one picture. It was taken at night, in the dark by some camper that went missing. There was something obscured by the trees behind him but she could see something white. At first one could miss it. It was easy to miss. She had to zoom in. Unobscured by the trees was something white coming up from the ground. Bended. And then to the side something that looked like an arm. A large long white arm with claws.


	4. Half-way and One Step Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to get interesting. They are also going to get inevitebly worse. Sorry. ( not sorry) Did you expect this to be a happy story about friendship? Hint: It's not.

Chapter 4: Half Way and One Step Forward  
I need a raincoat for tomorrow  
I need a raincoat for tomorrow  
It's about how much people cry  
When you die  
It's not about the storm of tears  
That you make when you're alive  
Half-way and one step forward  
Past the points of no return  
Half-way and one step forward  
Past the points of no return- Half Way and One Step Forward, Marilyn Manson

Lucy stared at the picture with a look disbelief on her face.   
“No way!”   
Natalia sighed.   
“I know it seems crazy. But I’ve looked into it. You know the crazy caretaker who got arrested for the murder of those teens. I’ve read about it. He claimed to have seen something kill them. He described it as very tall, white and humanoid.”  
“The dude, was crazy.” Lucy said. “So he blamed it on Slenderman.”   
“Uh, what’s a Slenderman?”   
“Just something some dude made up on the internet and put into a bunch of old photos. Anyways, he its’ real. And there is no way there’s a monster in the woods. I mean it all happened fifteen years ago. Somebody would have seen the thing. Head it. Found more dead people. Something. None of them missing persons have been found dead or alive. “   
“I know it seems crazy. But I’ve seen monsters. Real ones. I was there when the terrorist attacked Terragrigia. And on an island when this crazy woman kidnaped me. Monsters exist. “   
“Holly, shit. I’m sorry I didn’t know.” Lucy said. “But still why would one be here? No terrorist have made any demands. And they had fifteen years. And people ain’t coming back from dead either like they showed on the news. So this is probably nothing. It can’t be a bioweapon.”   
“I guess you’re right.” Natalia said.   
“Anyways, we should get going. Lunch break is almost over.” Lucy said grabbing her bag.   
It her first day back to school from her suspension. Natalia was happy to have Lucy there for class. For the first time she went the entire day without skipping. It was also the first time she made it to art class. Mr. Hoffman, the teacher Lucy had punched, was actually rather young. He had dark hair tied into a short ponytail, he wore glasses with square frames, had a bit of a beard. He looked fashionable. He was quite handsome too.   
“Miss Burton, good to finally see you.” He said noticing Natalia walk in.   
“And miss, Jones.” He remarked seeing Lucy.   
Lucy responded by flipping him off.   
They sat next to each other and Lucy whispered.   
“Don’t trust this guy. He is bad news. When he found out Ash wanted to get into art school he started holding her back after class, for some “extra lessons”. He threatened to fail her if she didn’t go. She went once and she told me he was all over her. “  
“Why didn’t she tell someone?”   
“Because the guy is somewhat famous. And the school will do anything to keep him. They would just brush it under the rug. Like she made it up. “   
Natalia wasn’t sure if she believed it. The teacher seemed like a nice man. She did her best to draw the shapes on the table in front of class. A pillar, a sphere, a pyramid. She drew, colored in the shading. Lucy turned it into something weird. With a man on the pillar holding up the sphere, that she turned into a Death Star and the pyramid seemed to be shooting beams at it. It was kind of cool and maybe a little funny.   
“Interesting interpretation, Miss Jones.”   
Lucy just glared at the teacher who was inspecting their work.   
“Considering the company you keep, I was expecting a little more creativity from you, Miss Burton.”   
Natalia looked down at her drawing.   
“Art is not just about portraying reality as we see it. It’s about how we interpret it.”   
“They don’t make me feel like anything. They’re just shapes.” Natalia thought.   
“Hey, don’t let that bastard get to ya.” Lucy whispered. “He doesn’t seem to realize that not everyone is natural Picasso. “   
Natalia nodded. After the incident she had been afraid of drawing something strange again. If she let her mind go free and imagine who know what it could conjure up.   
Leaving class a boy bumped into them as they were leaving. He had auburn hair, shoulder long and somewhat messy.   
“Watch it.”   
“No, you watch it.” Lucy pushed back.   
“Jones?” He seemed to recognize Lucy.   
“Back off Eliot.”   
He seemed to notice Natalia.   
“Who’s your new friend? What happened to Ashley? Did she dump you or something?”   
Lucy was angry. Jaw tight. Fists clenched.   
“I’m gonna find her, and then the three of us will be best friends! So fuck off!”   
Lucy stormed off. Natalia ran after her.   
“Who was that?”   
“Eliot? Just some jerk from Ashley’s class who tried to get with her, but I guess he jealous that we were hanging out all the time and started coming after us. “  
“ Do you think that he might have done anything to hurt her?” Natalia asked.   
“For his own sake I hope he didn’t.” Lucy said, hitting her fist into her palm.   
“We got no leads.” Natalia sighed.  
“We’ll find something. I’m sure we will.” 

Lucy took her to the back woods. Behind the house. They went in quite deep. The three were thick, old. Somebody could be standing on the other side and one could not see them. This place gave off and eerie vide. As they stood there in spot of tangled roots that formed crevices in the ground a feeling of foreboding washed over Natalia, like something bad was going to happen.   
“This place feel bad.” She said looking around.   
“Well they did find a bunch of bodies here.”   
“Yeah, I’ve read the articles. They were scattered in pieces all over. So they can’t really tell how many victims there were.” Natalia said.   
Leaning down she reached into a gap between roots. There was something solid there. She pulled it out. It was a piece of a jaw. She dropped it on the ground.   
“Looks like they missed a few.” Lucy said.   
She took out her phone ant took a picture.   
“Doesn’t look like there are signs of any monsters here.”   
“Maybe it only comes out at night?” Natalia said.   
“Typical isn’t it. That’s when all the scary stuff comes out.” Lucy said.   
“I guess. I forgot. Could you send the picture with Ashley, I’ll put it up on the website. Maybe we can get info on her. Maybe somebody has seen her. The posters don’t seem to getting us anywhere.”   
“Sure thing.” 

Back in her room she examined the picture of Ashley. The last one she ever took. The trees seemed similar to the other photos of missing people on the same area. She finds another picture of some guy that looks like the same spot. She looks for anything different. At first glance they are identical. But the she sees it, a subtle difference in the background. Where it as dark under the trees, at the corner of the picture. Something on the ground, it looks like a crouching shape. Maybe a bush maybe a stump. It didn’t all fit into frame. She zooms in. there is something unmistakable, something that looks like eyes, like the flash is reflecting from them. Eyes in a half face that didn’t fit into the frame. She wonders what Lucy would think. Would she believe her now? 

The next day she finds Lucy crying in the house.   
“What happened?”   
She doesn’t speak. Just hands her the morning paper.   
“An unidentified body was found in the quarry” she reads. “The remains of what appear to be a female of age between 15 and 19 years old. Face and upper chest badly damaged. If anyone recognize this person please contact the police. “   
The pictures bellow were of a red shirt with a square pattern same as Ashley had been wearing in the picture. And a tattoo of a black phoenix.   
“It’s her. I designed that tattoo for her. I was there when she got it done. It’s her.” Lucy said sobbing.   
Natalia said nothing. She sat down next to Lucy. Lucy didn’t lean in closer. She just held her knees to her chest.   
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t much help. But last night I found something in that picture of Ashley you gave me.”   
Lucy looked at the picture and listened to Natalia explain things. The map of the places where people went missing. The old stone quarry was close to the other town. And from what the report said the body was under water for less than 24 hours. Cause of death was severe damage to the chest, neck and face areas.   
Natalia still wasn’t sure that her friend believed her. But once Lucy was back from the police where she went to help identify the body, she was furious.   
“I’m gonna kill that asshole.” She stated.   
“Who?”   
“The thing that did this Ash.”   
“You believe me now?” Natalia said surprised.   
“You should have seen her. Damage to face and neck my fucking ass. Her head’s been ripped off. It’s like something split her open from the chest and took off her head. We got to kill that thing.”   
“How? It’s a monster”   
“My step dad, well not really cuz my mom didn’t marry him.. Anyways he’s ex-military. He keeps his guns in the house. He works as a guard in the local elementary school. If we hurry we can make it to my place get the guns and get going. “  
Natalia paused for a moment. This seemed like something dangerous. Something she should probably call the adults for.   
“And who is going to believe you?” said a voice in her head. “A monster in the woods? With only pictures to prove it? You know things like this can be faked? You can’t prove anything.”   
“Alex?” Lucy was staring at her intensely.” Are you coming?”   
“Maybe we shouldn’t...”   
“Fine. I’ll do it alone. It’s not like you knew her anyways. I thought you were cool. I thought you were my friend. Guess I was wrong.”  
It hurts.   
“We are friends.” Natalia says. “I won’t let you this alone.”   
“Great. Let’s go kill a monster.” 

Ring all the bells you can ring  
There's a crack in everything  
That's how the sunlight gets in  
Don't wanna know  
Don't need to know  
You got champagne problems  
Don't wanna know  
Don't need to know  
You got champagne problems  
Half-way and one step forward  
Past the points of no return


	5. In The End

Chapter 5 In the End  
Tryin' to hold on, didn't even know  
I wasted it all just to watch you go  
I kept everything inside  
And even though I tried, it all fell apart  
What it meant to me will eventually be  
A memory of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard and got so far  
But in the end it doesn't even matter  
I had to fall to lose it all  
But in the end it doesn't even matter- In the End, Linkin Park

Lucy opened the door of the small house in the suburban area. The door on the right went into the garage. The door the left to the kitchen.   
“Alright. I’ll go grab the keys to the gun safe.” Lucy said. “ I need you to keep an eye out in case somebody comes home. Oh, and grab some food. We’ll probably need it. “   
“Okay.” She nodded.   
Lucy went upstairs. This bothered Natalia. But Barry was still away. Besides she had no real proof that there was a monster. But if there wasn’t, what killed Ashley? And why was she feeling like she forgot something important in all of this. She decided to look around the house for supplies for this trip. She had been in a dangerous place before. Lucy knew nothing of monsters or how to escape them. She couldn’t let her friend go alone.   
She grabbed some food from the fridge and the cupboards like Lucy had said. She hoped she would never meet Lucy’s mom, because this felt a lot like stealing. She then went to search for other useful items. Rope might come in handy. Medicine and bandages. Maybe a tent to sleep in. Lucy was taking some time upstairs. Natalia went to check the garage to see if she could find some rope. There was a curtain and some boxes in front of it. She knocked one box over by accident but didn’t hear anything break. It had moved the curtain. She peeked inside. There was a desk set up and a panel with tiny screens.   
“No way” she recognized what it was.   
She could see Lucy in a room searching from something in one of the screens.   
“Holy shit. Lucy never told me her house had cameras all over.” Natalia felt panic.   
“Maybe Lucy doesn’t know about the cameras.” The thought occurred. “She wouldn’t be doing something like this if she knew.”   
Natalia figures she could turn them off. It was a basic system. They recorded everything into a disk. She took the disk out.   
“Now nobody will know. “   
“Okay, I found the keys.” Lucy said coming down the stairs. “What are you doing back there?”  
“Looking for rope .It might be useful.”   
“Good idea. We could set a trap for it. Also we should dress up. I gets cold at night. And flashlights.”   
“Medical supplies.” Natalia added.   
“Right. I should probably get a bag for all the stuff. “   
They gathered up the stuff and went into Lucy’s room. It looked much like the log house by the school. A mess. Posters on the walls, clothes on the floor. Nothing like Natalia’s neat little room. She put on Lucy’s jacket over her Nirvana t-shirt. Lucy jammed all the items into a large duffle bag.   
She began changing out of her clothes. She was thin, little taller than Natalia. She wore a black bra. Natalia caught a glimpse of her exposed body in the mirror. A strange shudder ran though her body. She wanted to feel the skin beneath her fingers. Face burning red, hear beating fast.   
“What is wrong with me?” she thought.   
“Alex?” Lucy was fully dressed now.   
“Are you ok?”   
“Yeah,” she managed.” Just nervous I guess.”   
“Let’s go.”   
They left the room. Natalia carried the duffle bag. Lucy went downstairs. Opened a door under the stairs. It wasn’t easy to spot, a kind of secret door. Inside was a safe. Lucy unlocked it. There was a shotgun and a pistol.   
“Do you know how to use it?” Natalia asked.   
“Yeah, he might be a douche bag but at least he taught me how to shoot.” Lucy said.   
Natalia wasn’t sure. She did know how to shoot. Barry never taught her. Why would he? But somehow when looking at the pistol she felt confident.   
“I’ll take that.” She said.   
“You know how to use it?”   
It was heavy in her hand. Something felt like it was stuck in her throat. There was a sound of a gunshot. Her first impulse was to put it to her head. A body hits the floor. Her hand shakes for a moment. She didn’t fire. She didn’t fall. It was someone else.  
“Yeah. I can use it.” She says after a while of looking at it.   
They leave the house through the back door. Lucy lifts a board in the fence and goes through. Natalia tosses the bag over the fence than squeezes through. The forest is just down the slope. They slide down. Lucy had the shotgun on her back. Natalia feels the pistol in her pocket. A feeling of unease creeps into her.   
They are in the forest. Out of sight. The phone still had signal. She texts Kathy, that she will be studying at a friend’s place. Asks if she can stay over.   
“So how do we find that thing?” Lucy asks  
“I don’t know. “Natalia says. “We know it comes out at night or in the evening. It likes dark places. And It alternates between here, the other town and the one on the other side of the mountains. That’s why people have been disappearing in several places, not just here.”   
“That is at least a thousand miles to cover.” Lucy says “that thing is fast.”   
“It’s also big like a tree. And white. In the dark that should stand out.” Natalia says looking around.   
They walk and keep walking. Everything looks the same. Trees in all directions. There is still no reply from Kathy. The signal has dropped down to two bars.   
“Damn. We haven’t walked that far but the signal is already almost gone. “   
“Yeah, it’s these woods.” Lucy said. “Nobody built any towers cuz getting to them for maintenance would be impossible.”   
“Aren’t you scared? It’s a monster after all” Natalia asks.   
“Yeah I’m scared but I’m also angry. That thing killed Ashley.”   
Natalia wasn’t scared of a monster. She was scared of Lucy dying. Maybe a little scared that Barry and Kathy would get mad at her. But maybe they would understand. She was trying to help a friend. A friend who just lost a friend.   
It had been a few hours since they left town. The phone connection was at zero. Natalia felt the unease lift. Perhaps they were not going to find anything. Perhaps it will take time. Maybe somebody else will see the creature and then their story will be believed.   
“Hey, Alex. Let’s stop” Lucy sat down on a log.   
“Lu,” she noticed that Lucy looked tired.” You said you were there in Terragrigia. What was it like?”   
“I was three so I don’t remember much. My parents died. Saw them get crushed by the B.O.W.”   
“Holy shit. That’s terrible!”   
“Yeah. But got to live with some really nice people now.”   
“I lost my dad around the time I met Ashley. He was driving and then this truck came out and he didn’t see dad. And.” She bowed her head.  
“I’m sorry.” Natalia said.   
“I guess were similar you and me.” Lucy said. “Ash had been there for me when I lost dad. Now she’s gone too.”   
Lucy wiped the tears forming in her eyes.   
Natalia wanted to say she was there for her now but the words wouldn’t come out. She sat down next to Lucy. It was starting to get dark.   
“We should be on guard. “ Was all she could say.” That thing hunts at night.”   
Lucy got up and took out her flashlight.   
“Yeah. It’s probably not a good time to reminisce about the past. I hope we find that bastard fast so he can pay for what he did.”   
“What if we can’t find it?” Natalia asked.   
“It’s a monster. So it will probably find us first.” Lucy said.   
The thought of something hunting them in the dark didn’t appeal to her at all. The darker it got the more at ease she felt. It was strange. There was that strange buzzing in her head again. Like she was about to remember something important but she just couldn’t.   
“Are you alright?” Lucy saw her clutching her head.   
“I’m fine. I just feel like I forgot something and I can’t remember what.”   
“Well, if you forgot it than it probably wasn’t important.”   
“I hope so.” She said.” Because I have a strange feeling it is somehow all connected to this.”   
Lucy gave her a strange look.   
“ It’s just a feeling.” 

A branch cracks and both freeze. Natalia turns off her flashlight. Lucy follows her lead.   
“What was that?” Lucy whispers.   
“I don’t know.” Natalia says.   
Eyes looks around, search for something white. All she can see is darkness. Moments pass and it’s silent.   
“May it was a deer or something.” Lucy sighs.   
They turn the lights back on. Keep walking. Natalia has a feeling that something is following them. She stays silent. Stops to listen. Turns off the light periodically. Lucy catches on.   
“Hey, what’s up?” he voice is low.   
“We are being followed.” Natalia says.   
“Holly shit.” Lucy seems a lot more scared now. “do you think it’s the thing?”   
“I don’t know.” She says looking around. “ I don’t see anything white. But it could be staying close to the ground.”   
Lucy seems to snap out of her fear. She takes the shot gun from her shoulder.   
“Hey you!” She screams.” Yeah, you! You ugly motherfucker! Come out her so I can shoot you.”   
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Natalia says.” Please don’t.”  
But Lucy doesn’t listen. She aims into the darkness and shoots. The shot echoes loudly in the silence.   
“We should go. Whoever was following us probably heard that.”   
“So what. I’m not scared. They should be scared of us! We got a gun! Nobody’s gonna mess with us!”   
“You don’t understand.” Natalia tried to explain. “What I heard. It was from more than one direction.”   
“What do you mean?”   
“There’s more than one.”   
Lucy’s face turned white.   
“You could have said so earlier!”   
“I tried but you wouldn’t listen. I’ve been in situations like this before. I’ve seen what happens to people when they give into fear and act like you just did. They die.” He voice was merely a whisper.   
“We have to run.” Lucy said.   
“Where?” Natalia asked.   
“Away from here.”   
Lucy took off running. With her flashlight off, Natalia could barely see her. She stumbled upon a tree root and fell. Lucy was nowhere in sight. Branches cracked close to where she was. There was a strong wind moving the tops of trees. She got up and fell again. The ground was uneven, full of roots and it was going uphill. Something grabbed her and she almost screamed.   
“Hey. It’s me. I think there is some kind of building up ahead.” Lucy whispered.  
“what?” Another powerful buzz began in her head. It hurt so badly.   
She could see flashes of a building. Tall concrete walls. Pipes on the outside. Something on the side. Red and white. Natalia clutched her head, rolling on the ground and trying not to scream from the pain. Lucy was panicking beside her.   
The loud sound of a helicopter could be heard. And bright beam of light fell on them and a group of people with guns and flashlights surrounded them. They wore protective gear that covered their faces. Natalia could barely comprehend what was happening, caught between two visons. The present and the past. Lucy hit one of the men with her gun.   
“Leave her alone!. What are you doing!.”   
One grabbed her from behind and disarmed her.   
“Let go of me, you, gorilla!” she kicked back against the man holding her.   
“Alex! Don’t you touch her.!”   
The man knocked her out. Natalia got over her headache but it was too late. She saw Lucy being carried on the man’s shoulder. Another one got her up from the ground and handcuffed her. They were taken up to the helicopter. The man carried her on his shoulder up the ladder. It was only when he took of his mask that she recognized him. 

“This isn’t what it looks like!” she swore, it was the truth.   
The room was small. There was a table and two chairs. Barry and Claire were in the room with her. There were others outside. She had tried to explain what happened but they didn’t seem to listen.   
“You were lying to us this whole time!” Barry said in disbelief.   
Natalia said nothing.   
“I came as soon as I could” Dr. Haupman entered the room. “So, tell me what happened last night?”   
She sighed, starting once again from the beginning.   
“She called you Alex” Claire said. “Chris heard it too. “   
“It just, sort of slipped out.” Natalia said. “I don’t know why I said it. But then it just stuck.”   
“And this thing about a monster, really?!” Barry said, still furious.   
“But it’s true. “ Natalia said. “ It killed Ashley. Lucy recognized her body!” Natalia was getting more and more frustrated. “ I wasn’t trying to escape. I’m still me.”   
“You and your friend were looking for this Ashley girl? “ The doctor asked.   
“Yeah,I just wanted to help Lucy find her friend.”   
“Interesting.” The doctor said. “ And you said her name was Ashley Davis.”   
“Yes. Her parents are both doctors. And Lucy recognized her as the body they found the quarry yesterday. “   
“Very interesting.” The doctor said. “ I would like to show her something. Would that be alright?”   
They took her to a room with a television. There was a recap of the news report on. It was about last night. Explaining why the quiet suburban area was awoken to the sounds of a helicopter flying in the middle of the night. Stating that it was a search and rescue operation for two missing teenagers. Then later the reporter went on talking about Lucy and her claims that Ashley Davis the daughter of the two local doctors was missing and then reported dead by the same girl. It then showed the Davis family. Both of them. Upon seeing the elderly looking woman with round glasses and greying auburn hair Natalia felt her head begin to buzz again.   
“Our daughter was never missing” Said Mrs. Davis. “She was on holiday with us in Hawaii. And she had caught a fever, that is why she has been missing school.”   
“As for this girl that keeps insisting on our daughter being dead. “ Said Mr. Davis.” Ashley can speak for herself.”   
A girl that looked exactly like the photo came on screen.   
“I would like to make it very clear. I don’t know this person.” She said. “ I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such cruelty from someone I’ve never met. Please just leave me and my family alone.”   
Dr. Haupman turned off the television.   
“As you see. Miss Davis is alive and well. And she doesn’t seem to know your friend. Which makes that story of yours a little difficult to believe”   
“No. it can’t be.” Natalia was in utter shock.” Did Lucy lie to me this whole time?”   
“What is going one here, doctor?” Barry asked. “Lying, missing school, and making up stories like this. It’s not like her at all.”  
“I have a theory.” Said Dr. Haupman” Because of the viruses in her body, Natalia is only now beginning to mature. This is a difficult process. It is putting stress on her body and it may be what is making her unstable. More susceptible to influence. She might have been under influence of Alex Wesker and not know it.”   
“Is there anything we can do to stop it?” Barry was looking very concerned.   
“With your permission I would like to try hypnosis to suppress Wesker’s influence on her consciousness.”   
“Do whatever you have to, doctor.” Barry said. “I’m not losing her to that woman.”   
“Then I suggest we begin immediately.”   
Natalia sat in the back of the car. Nobody would believe her. Even she began to doubt herself. Lucy had lied to her. The only friend she thought she had. And now Barry was mad at her. Claire and even her brother got involved. Everybody thought she tried to escape. They are treating her like a criminal now. Escorting her with armed guards. She wanted to scream, She wanted to make them see how wrong they were but instead she sat silently in the car.   
I've put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
For all this  
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far  
But in the end it doesn't even matter  
I had to fall to lose it all  
But in the end it doesn't even matter


	6. Song to Say Goodbey

You are one of God's mistakes,  
You crying, tragic waste of skin,  
I'm well aware of how it aches,  
And you still won't let me in.  
Now I'm breaking down your door,  
To try and save your swollen face,  
Though I don't like you anymore,  
You lying, trying waste of space.  
Before our innocence was lost,  
You were always one of those,  
Blessed with lucky sevens,  
And the voice that made me cry .  
My Oh My. – A song to say goodbye, Placebo

The days blur into one endless day. There is no difference anymore. She isn’t allowed to leave her room. The teachers send all the class assignments and homework to Barry and Kathy. They took away her phone. The computer too. She is only allowed to use it downstairs and for school. So everyone can see what she’s doing. She stopped going down for meals. The way they look at her now, it was too much. For the visits to Dr. Haupman she get additional escorts. Sometimes it’s Claire. Sometimes a person she doesn’t know. She hates it. It’s like she has become a prisoner in the place she once considered to be her home. The people who once loved her now treat her like a criminal, a stranger, a burden. It’s like one morning she woke up and the world was completely different. But no matter how much she apologized things wouldn’t go back to normal. She truly hated feeling like this. She just wanted it to stop. But it wouldn’t.   
It had only been slightly over a week since the incident in the forest. But it felt like forever. Natalia didn’t bother getting up. Weekend meant no school. No homework. Nothing to do. She was afraid now, of doing the wrong thing. Of reading the wrong books. Of speaking in the wrong manner. Everything she did was being scrutinized. Judged. Whether her words and actions belonged to her or not. So she did nothing. Just lay in bed. She didn’t feel like eating either. She just didn’t want to be in this mess anymore.   
Sleep offered little escape. Visions plagued her. Of a past that did not belong to her. People, places, faces. Memories. Desires. It felt like she was going insane.   
She recalled the Latin class she struggled with so much. The teacher that made her read over and over until she read without error. He made her kneel on dry peas or small stones. He beat her for every mistake. Except she never learned Latin. But regardless of it she could read it flawlessly.   
She wasn’t sure if the sessions with Dr. Haupman were helping. But she knew that every time she had one the dreams got longer and more detailed. She never said anything about it. It would undoubtedly lead to more punishment.   
She recalled how embarrassed she was when she saw Lucy changing. And Lucy was still a sore subject. It still hurt. The feeling of betrayal fresh and raw. She wanted to know why. But she realized they will probably never meet again. Who knows how long they will keep her here. Perhaps for the rest of her life. It had been nothing compared to mixture of shame and pleasure she felt now. She knew these memories were not hers, she was just seeing them. But she was also taking part in them, but not as herself. And when the man with the dark glasses kissed her it felt all too real. She knew him, yet she didn’t know him. Feeling him touch her under the shirt. She was aware suddenly that this was a dream, a memory, not hers. But she wanted it to be. Because it felt good. Unlike most this was not painful. And when she awoke, heart rapidly beating in her chest, sweat on her skin, strange feeling of moisture between her legs. All she could do is wonder if she had screamed his name. Will they rush to her room? Find her in this state. And how could she explain it? The next thing she wondered if she and Lucy could have been like that. She had become aware of it. Her attraction towards girls. It was something she knew to be entirely her own.   
She dreamt of many things. Some were mundane. Some were horrific. The blood, the torn heart. Her first kill. And she ran to the bathroom as fast as she could. The bile rising in throat. The face of the woman with her eyes squashed into bloody mush and the ripped open chest. As much as it disgusted her, there was a strange feeling of satisfaction too.   
Two weeks that felt like years. The next visit to the doctor was supposed to be her last. For now. if she made progress they might let her go back to school in spring. But spring was so far away. And so was everything else. Nothing mattered anymore. She began to like the dreams, even if they were nightmares. They were an escape. She didn’t dare hope that there would ever be an end to this. There was no end, not for as long as she lived.   
“It’s all your fault” she yelled to the woman standing in front of her.   
White against the black smoke in the background. Natalia stood there as her current self. Opposite of her, black against white. The woman didn’t seem to respond to her.   
“It’s all your fault! You stupid bitch!. It’s all because you put yourself into my head. Now everything is wrong. And it’s because of you!” she paused to catch her breath.   
Her lips move but Natalia doesn’t hear what she is saying. Doesn’t hear but still understands.   
“Yeah, we’ll I’m tired too! Tired of living in this hopeless mess. You want it so bad! Go ahead. You can have it. I’m done!”   
The woman laughs. Then she turns away, walking into the darkness that is slowly drifting towards Natalia. But the white surrounding her is also moving. Towards the black. The woman disappears. Natalia looks at her own hands and they are also beginning to fade and merge with the two masses. White into black. Black into white. The two pour into each other, merging, becoming one. Now there only one. Not black. Not white. Everything becomes grey.   
Alex opened her eyes.


	7. Katharsis

Chapter 7: Katharsis  
“If I were to open my eyes and find  
I have to relive it all again  
Can you please help me find a way?  
To not make it feel real  
Please tell this ain’t real

Although I swore on my life  
That I would only let you in.  
I don’t know if I can go on alone  
It’s too dark and scary”- Katharsis, Ling Tosite Sigure

It didn’t seem like anything changed. Physicaly she was the same girl. In the same little room. But she wasn’t. From inside she was watching. All those years of observing. Waiting for a chance. Fighting to surface. It had been more difficult than she expected it. Her resolve began to waiver. But when they slept the borders between them weakened. Things slipped in and out. The consciousness and the sub-consciousness were mixing together in dreams. She realized it was a danger. Her memories were stored inside Natalia’s sub-consciousness. But sometimes they lipped out. There were thing she had to keep secret. But the mind did not choose what to reveal. Alex ended up reliving those memories alongside Natalia. She was scared that the girl would say something about the things she saw. But she didn’t.   
Her situation did not change. She was still just a trapped as she had been. The cage changed but she was still a bird stuck in it. She did not expect Natalia to break and give up the ghost to her after all this time. She made a mental note to thank Lucy. This would probably had not been possible without the loud, obnoxious girl.   
Alex remained in bed. Feeling heavy, like she had forgotten how to move. Being unable to control the body, just a passive bystander for so long. Just feeling her own chest rise and fall while breathing took time to get used to. Feeling her heart beat. It was something she had forgotten about. Finally she moved her arm. Just a bit. Feeling the fingers bend. Rolling over to the side took a while. Taking in the sight of the closet door. Now decorated by a poster Natalia got at the mall. Nirvana. Something she thought Lucy would like. Alex didn’t care much for music. Classical was what they all got educated on. It was not that she preferred it, she just didn’t care. Something to dance to, socialize to at luxurious parties, a background. That’s what music was supposed be. But this loud screaming noise could never a background. It drowned out everything else going on. Made it impossible to hear anything else but it. It suited that girl.   
Finally getting out of bed and getting into some clothes for the day. Opening the closet door she looked at the stark contrast between the clothes. On the left all of Natalia’s old dresses, on the right T-shirts and jeans. Mostly all black. She took the one white t-shirt of the bunch. It had a picture of what looked like an ink stain resembling a mix between a butterfly and a skull. The jeans were tight and like all pairs she owned ripped. Wearing torn clothes seemed like such poor taste but it was what Natalia wore. She had to pretend she was Natalia. To wait all this out. Until they let her leave the house again. And then…  
She stood there thinking. Nothing came to mind. Umbrella was gone. Her island gone, all her research gone. Friends and allies, dead, arrested, in hiding. She was all alone. She had no money. She was being observed and monitored. Just like before. Just like back the orphanage. She was allowed to receive education and have meals and not much else outside of that. She looked at herself in the mirror for a long moment. She had escaped her sick and broken body, old age. She transcended death. She was reborn, reincarnate in a way. Only to relive it all again? The pain, the suffering, the loss, the loneliness, the helplessness. It’s like she went back in time to her own child hood. Different house, different people, different physical body. Same situation.   
She shook her head, slowly backing away from the mirror. But it was too late. The realization had begun to sink in.   
“No. no.” she whispered.” This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”   
Sitting on the floor next to the bed she felt exactly like she looked- a child. Scared. She pulled her knees to her chest and cried. The despair of it all being too much. Escape was just a dream. A delusion. Was this to be her fate? To be reborn just to repeat it all again? Was it some kind of twisted divine retribution? Or that thing people call karma? She had never believed in fate or god or anything other than science. But it felt like the universe was laughing at her. Reminding her of how truly powerless and helpless she was. That there was indeed something greater than her out there.   
There was a knock on the window. And it was only when she awoke that she realized she had been asleep. Curled up on the floor next to the bed. The knock happened again and now she was aware that it was not a dream. Still confused she moved to the window and pulled open the curtain. Sitting on the small tilted roof was Lucy. Alex moved to open the window. Letting the girl inside.   
“What are you doing here?”   
It was then that she noticed Lucy was crying.   
“I didn’t know where else to go.” She got in and Alex shut the window and closed the curtains.   
There was a bruise on Lucy’s face, part of it was bleeding, like something had slashed her cheek open. Alex felt a surge of concern. It had to be Natalia’s, there was no way it could be hers.   
“What happened? How did you find this place?”   
She remembered that Lucy lived in another town. It was about an hour by car. She was dirty, scratched up, leaves stuck to her hoodie. Obvious that she walked here.   
“I..” Lucy was out of breath.   
Alex caught her when almost collapsed. Moving her to the bed.   
“We need to take care of that” she looked at the bleeding gash.   
If she recalled Barry and Kathy were supposed to be out today. But there agents outside watching the house. If anyone saw Lucy come in.. This could be bad. But first she needed to know how she found the house. Natalia had never told her address to anyone.   
She got a towel from the bath room. Painkillers. Bandages Something to close the wound with and something to act as disinfectant. She took a bottle of vodka Barry kept in the cabinet downstairs. Sewing thread and needle. It would be bad if the girl bled to death in her room. When she got back Lucy was still in the same position she left her. Leaning on her pillow, with her legs of on the floor. The towel she placed was already soaking up blood.   
“What happened?” She asked again while taking the bottle and opening it. Strong smell of alcohol hit her nose. She poured it into a small bowl. Dipped in the thread and needle. It will take time.   
“My step dad, uh , you know what I mean.”   
“He did this?”   
“After the forest, mom ended up in the hospital and… I was under house arrest but.. he caught me sneaking out. I don’t know how. I waited for him to leave to work and.. he came back. He hit me with a bottle and it broke. “   
“When was that?”   
“This morning. It was early. “   
“And it’s been bleeding since?   
It was already 2PM on the clock.   
She took the needle out. Dried it off.   
“Wait. Are seriously going to this?” Lucy seemed to suddenly notice what she was doing.   
“No. I will sit here and wait till you bleed to death.” She said sarcastically.   
Lucy’s breathing seemed to become rapid.   
“Okay. But will it hurt?”   
“Does it hurt now?  
“it’s kind of gone numb, but it does feel hot.”   
“You need to go to a hospital. “ She got up and went to search for a tweezer.   
“I can’t. They’ll send me home.”   
Alex found managed to find one.   
“Give me your phone.”  
“What?”   
“Flashlight. They took mine. There could be glass inside the wound.”   
She washed her hands, put on the rudder gloves Kathy kept around for cleaning. Disinfected the tweezer.   
“Now be still.” She began inspecting the cut, dabbing it with the towel edge soaked in alcohol.   
Lucy frowned at the sting. But held still. There was a tiny hint of something shimmering. She took the tweezer and reached into the cut with. Lucy took a sharp breath. Then another. A pained yelp as the tiny bit of glass was extracted. Blood gushed out of the wound. Alex pressed the towel to the cut.   
“Left side now. Hold it firmly.” She commanded.   
Lucy rolled over, pressing the towel to her face. Alex took time to take of her shoes.  
“I’m sorry.” Lucy said weakly.” I swear I didn’t know Ashley was.. Not really Ashley.”   
“Don’t talk!”   
“Sorry,” she whispered   
She moved Lucie’s hand, lifted the towel. Bleeding has decreased.   
“I’ll stich the wound, but you lost a lot of blood. Honestly I can’t believe you’re still conscious. “   
“I just need to sleep on it.” Lucy tried to joke.   
“That’s not how it works.”   
“I, just.” Lucy sat up. “Can you put some music on?” I just need to focus on something else.” She gave the needle a sideways glance.   
While Alex looked for something to put on Lucy took sip from the bottle of vodka. Her brow furrowed. She made a disgusted face.   
“How can people drink this?”   
Alex smiled a little. She put on a random song. It turned out to net be so bad. At least it wasn’t distracting her from the task. (Numbers, Daughter).  
The needle went in, out, connecting the sides of the gash. Lucy was shivering. Clutching the sheets. Halfway there. She tried to work fast, but to also make sure she was being efficient. Taking the scissors she cut the thread. Wound now closed. She reached for the bandages to wrap around Lucy’s head. She was looking pale now. Cheek swollen. Body covered in cold sweat, shivering.   
“You need antibiotics. If the wound got infected.” Alex sighed.   
Lucy laughed.   
“You sound like a doctor.”   
Alex wanted to retort but then remembered that she was supposed to be pretending to be Natalia.   
“Well, I…”   
“and what’s with the S.W.A.T. guys being after you?”   
“They’re from the B.S.A.A. “   
“What?”   
How did Natalia put it?  
“A crazy scientist lady put herself into my head.. And then they thought she was trying to escape. Her name was Alex.”   
“Right” Lucy gave a look that said she was trying to figure out the joke. “Wait you’re serious?”   
“How do you think I did all this?” She questioned  
“I don’t know. Watch a video on the internet?   
Alex gave a frustrated sigh.   
“Did anyone see you end the house?”   
“I don’t think so. Why?”   
“The house is under surveillance.”   
“Right.. Crazy science lady.. Huh?”   
Lucy didn’t seem to believe her. She could not blame the girl. She herself would not believe something like this if had not been the one to invent it.   
“I’m sorry. I really got you into trouble. Didn’t I” Lucy said bowing her head.  
Alex said nothing. What was there to say?   
“I really didn’t know she was pretending to be Ashley. For three years I thought I knew her. And yet it turns out it was all a lie. I didn’t know her at all. So decided to find out. I took a look at the school records. That’s how I found out your address. Sorry. “   
“You broke into the principal’s office?” Alex was surprised she managed something like this.   
“Yeah. There is a trick to it. Anyways. Ashley Davis I mean the real one goes to an all-girls school in a different town. But here is the weird part. She did go to our school five years ago and graduated. But that would make her at least twenty four. Ash enrolled three years ago when I first met her. I mean they look identical. Like twins but the Davis’s only had one daughter.”   
“Maybe there is more to all this then meet the eye.” Alex said, more to herself.   
She remembered. The memory has been buried deep in her mind. It was a small, insignificant fact. Until now.   
“I know right.” Lucy said. “Like it’s creepy. Some chic goes around pretending she is someone else and she did it before too. That’s sick. I don’t feel so bad about her being dead. Does that make me bad person?”   
Alex shook her head.   
“I feel so dirty. I really need a shower.” Lucy said.   
There was blood on her shirt, on her neck, in her hair. Alex pointed to the white door leading into the bathroom.   
“Don’t get the bandage wet.”   
She helped Lucy get out of her shirt that was stuck to her body with sweat and blood. Seeing her exposed reminded her of that time and she felt that urge return. It was something that clearly belonged to Natalia or at least the physical body of Natalia.   
“I feel really woozy” Lucy said trying to stay sitting up.   
“Probably the blood loss.” She said.   
It was the first time she noticed the black dragon on her side. Just near the ribs. A black dragon flying up. One of those Chinese ones. It’s wing vanishing under the black bra right under her breast, while the other went towards the back. Her eyes followed the design up to Lucy’s chest. Feeling her face grow hot. Lucy was looking up at her, dazed from the blood loss. They were so close, she could kiss her. She felt the overwhelming urge to…   
They didn’t hear the car drive into the driveway. The song had long changed from peaceful into something loud. She moved her hand up Lucy’s side, tracing the tattoo. Lucy didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away. The front door opened. There was blood covering the side of Lucy’s chest, her arm, shoulder. She moves one hand to wipe away the hair stuck to her face. Her face is warm, but the rest of her is cold. Alex screams somewhere in the back of her own mind. Tries to pull away but the feeling of Lucy breathing on her neck makes her blood pulse. Drowning out the logic. Leaving her to curse at the teenage hormones. The bedroom door opens.   
“What is going on?!” Barry’s voice cuts through the loud music.   
Alex jumps. Turns to the door. The music stops playing. But she doesn’t notice anything. Her reflection on the mirror is bloody. She didn’t notice it before.   
“Is that blood?!What did you do?” Claire is there too.   
Lucy is covering herself with her shirt. Barry moved towards Alex, grabbed her by the wrist.  
“What is going on here?!”  
“I can explain.” She yells.   
Now he seems to notice Lucy. All the medical stuff on the bedside table. The bloody towel on the floor.   
“Ale… Natalia” Lucy corrects herself” Was trying to help me. Please don’t hurt her.”  
Barry is looking between the two girls.   
“What is going on here?” He repeats in a calmer manner, but still menacing.   
Claire moves to toss a blanket over Lucy.   
“Please. I’m sorry I caused you all trouble.” She is crying now.   
Alex makes a note to get Lucy a present. The girl is a gift that just keeps on giving.   
“I swear I didn’t meant to. I didn’t know she wasn’t really Ashley. “   
“Who did this to you?” Claire interrupts looking at the bandages. Tries to remove them.   
“Was it her?” She looks at the other girl.   
“She was trying to help me..” is al the Lucy says. “ my.. step..”  
The words won’t come out. Alex understands. Admitting to it means making it real. She remembers. She understands. She speaks.   
“He stepfather did this. Lucy ran away because he did. “   
Lucy just nods. Barry and Claire exchange uncomfortable glances.   
“He also put cameras all over the house. Even in her bedroom”   
“What?” Lucy chokes out a sob.   
“I thought you knew. “ Alex turns to her.   
Tears sting behind her eyes but she doesn’t let them fall.   
“So that’s how he knew. “Lucy has a horrid realization.   
“You’re not going to send her back home are you. “She shoots a pleading look at Claire, then at Barry.   
“We need to discuss this.” Claire says.   
They leave the room. Lucy hurriedly pulls her shirt back on. They wait in silence. And she never thought Lucy could be quiet. They aren’t sure how long it goes on. But Alex remembers another girl that came to her room and asked for her help. That was how all of her suffering began. 

It’s been so long  
I’ve destroyed so much   
But did end up helping anyway?  
I’ve changed so much   
What have I become?

Think it’s best for you to   
Take the knife of revolution and kill me  
I still wonder if my sins will meet their end.

NOTE: Writting this I listened to a version by PelleK.


	8. Something for the Pain

I'm in so deep I'm thinking why did I start  
And when you fall it happens all too fast  
If they make you try and give up some names  
You don't wanna mess around  
Freedom lives don't let them beat you while  
They're breakin' your back  
There ain't nobody gonna help you now  
So I say

When the sun goes down  
Call my name  
Yeah, when all the world around you's  
Just too hard to take  
If it helps you live  
I got something for the pain- Something For the Pain, Redlight King

They allowed Lucy to stay the night. The apology seemed to make them more forgiving. Alex played along for the benefits. She had a plan. But it was a risk. And she wasan‘t sure what she would do if it worked. Carry on with her original plan? Perhaps. But for now just getting far away from here would be good enough.   
„Are you asleep?“ Lucy asked.   
They stayed in the same room. It surprised her that Lucy wanted to stay with her instead of having Moira‘s old room.   
„No.“   
„You weren‘t joking before,were you.“   
„No, I wasn‘t.“   
„Yeah, that‘s kind of cool, in a creepy way.“   
Alex said nothing. Perhaps Lucy was a little smarter than she gave the girl credit for. She didn‘t ask any more about it.   
„You know. Before this whole mess started. Me and Ash were saving up, planing to get out of here. I hate it. I hate that town. It‘s been bad ever since dad died. And it seems to get worse there everyday. I just need a car and some cash. You could come with me.“   
„You‘re not old anought to drive or have a license.“   
„I‘m almost old enought. And my dad taught me. He let me drive around when there weren‘t people around.“   
It seems Lucy was going to be a lot more useful.   
„ Thanks for the offer. But first i need to get out of house arest.“   
„Still, it‘s kind of nice of them, letting me stay here after everything.“   
It made her want to laugh, at how they had doubted Natalia, but now that Alex has taken her place they seemd to trust her again. Lucy‘s sob story made them rethink the whole thing. The forest had not been an attempted escape. They had jumped to conclusions too quick. It seemed that once fall break was over she would be allowed to return to school. But she still had a week till then.   
Barry contacted the authorities about Lucy. Her mother was still in the hospital, and would be there for another week. Her stepfather was arrested and confesed. They also took Lucy to the hospital for a proper check up. She was going to stay with them for the week until her mother got out of the hospital.   
Barry drove them to Lucy’s house so she could pick up her things. Somehow Lucy managed to get him to let Natalia come along. The room was a mess just like it had been.   
“You don’t really need my help to pack” Alex said looking around the messy room   
“I figured you’d want to get out of your room. “   
She did. It had been weeks since she left. It made for a nice change. Lucy tossed her things in a bag. One of them was a sketch book. She looked at it. The drawings were detailed. The phoenix she saw in the newspaper. Lucy’s dragon. Many others  
“See anything you like?” Lucy looked over her shoulder.  
“You are good at this” she said closing the book and putting it back.   
“I want to make living from it. Become a pro.” She took something from a drawer.   
It seemed to be somewhat hidden behind other objects. Alex looked at the object not sure what it was. A piece of plastic, a needle, something mechanical taped together.   
“I can’t afford the good ones so got a homemade one. I really need to try it out so, if you want an ink let me know.”   
“ I don’t plan to.” She said.   
“Well, let me know if your change your mind. “   
Pretending to be Natalia around the Burtons and Lucy for a week seemed like a challenge. Lucy didn’t know Natalia well enough. But then neither did them. She never paid much attention to the girl’s thoughts and feelings, focused on protecting her own secrets. She was aware of Natalia’s desire to be liked by Lucy and the potential romantic interest in the girl. Her own interest had always been in men. But it seemed that the attraction was more physical and not a result of Natalia as person. This was going to be interesting.   
The machine silently buzzed in the sleeping house. Alex read with her back to Lucy, who was painting a bull skull into her left forearm. The sound was mildly annoying, but it was the act itself that was drawing her attention. Slowly, the vibrating needle digging into her skin, drawing blood and leaving a black line of ink. She pauses, wipes of the blood, dips the needle in ink, and scratches another line. Rhythmic, methodical. The skull is like her other drawings, realistic, detailed, feathers tied to the horns. A web of a broken dreamcatcher behind it. It is beautiful and mournful piece.   
“I got the dragon for Ashley.” She says, notices her watching “She was the phoenix, rising from the ash. It’s stupid but she said that meeting me was like the best thing to happen to her. Like her life had begun anew. And I got the good luck dragon. I always liked that story. When I met her I thought I could be happy with my life again. Like after so many bad things happened, good things would start happening again. But it was all a lie.“  
Alex remains silent. Remembers. She knows that feeling all too well.   
“So the skull, is for me.”   
Lucy shakes her head.   
“No. it’s for me. The old me. The me who was with Ash. I just can’t be that person anymore.”   
“You know, I always though tattoos were stupid. Something for criminals and low lives. But the way you give them personal meaning is not.” She was being honest.   
Lucy gives her a sad smile.   
“Thanks, Alex”   
She looks at her now. Did she give herself away?   
“You don’t mind it if I call you that? It feels kind of right.” Lucy says.   
She smiles.  
“I don’t.” 

The next day Lucy is insistent they celebrate Halloween.   
“Isn’t it for kids? Dressing up and begging for candy, it’s dumb” she says.   
Natalia liked it but was too shy to go alone and too embarrassed to ask again after being refused once. Alex had never. It was not a holiday they celebrated in the orphanage.   
“That’s the best part.” Lucy said” Free candy!”   
Long striped sleeves of her sweater covered her nights work. The image on the sweater was some scene from a movie with a man in hockey mask.   
“It’s stupid.” She repeated. “Besides, I’m still under house arrest, remember?”   
“We could still throw a party.” Lucy said grinning.   
“Don’t parties need people? Who are you inviting?”   
“A private party. We can watch movies and eat candy and dress up.”   
It sounded stupid but if she kept resisting it would cause suspicions.   
“Alright.” She gave in.   
“Great. But I need to get a few things first.” Lucy said.   
It was strange being alone after two days with Lucy constantly there. But it was a nice change. Barry seemed happy about the party. He seemed happy talking to Lucy. Natalia finally had a friend or something along those lines. If they only knew the truth.   
She wasn’t sure how she felt. This was just a distraction. A way to kill time before she finally was free to act. But should she really involve Lucy? The girl could be smart but also incredibly stupid. Unpredictable. A liability. And yet, probably her only chance to get out of here.   
It was dark when they came back. A large pumpkin in Barry’s arms. Lucy had two large bags. She burst into the room tossing them on the floor.   
“Hey. I got you something!” she began looking around the bag.   
It was packet of hair dye.   
“You said you wanted to bleach it. We could do that tonight.”   
“Sure.”   
“Great. I need to do mine too.” She pointed to the tips of her hair that were turning a washed out blueish green.   
She took out a bottle of nail polish. Black.   
“Could do each other’s nails too.”   
Looking in the mirror and seeing the familiar blond hair felt strange. As much as she wanted it, it also scared her. Was the change too much? Too sudden? Will they suspect her again? And yet she did feel happy, a little bit.   
Barry noticed. Looked at her strangely. But said nothing. Lucy was now a mix of black and orange. Letting her hair down from the typical teased up look. It was actually quite long. She watched Barry and Lucy enthusiastically carve the pumpkin and place it outside. Then prepared the snacks for movie night. Sat down to watch some old horror films Lucy picked out, fully expecting it to be horrible. Yet, it wasn’t. A part of her found it enjoyable. Seeing the teenagers in the film run away from the killer reminded her of the nights spent testing.   
“So who’s your favorite one?” Lucy asks. “Mine would have to be Freddy.”   
“Well he is the most difficult to escape. Nobody can stay awake forever.”   
“I know.” Lucy grins.” But having dream powers would be seriously cool”   
“Yes, it certainly would.” She agrees.

Before she knows it, the week is almost up. She has been allowed to return to school. The time to escape is approaching. She still doubts if taking Lucy along would be any use. Her mind wonders as her eyes look at the page. Lucy peeks over her shoulder.   
“You like that dark and depressing stuff, huh?”   
She is caught off guard by the comment. The stories give her comfort, familiarity. Remind her of her own truths. She never really thought of them that way.   
“You should give this a read. I think you’ll like it.” Lucy hands her a comic book.   
The name on the cover says “Sandman”.   
“A comic book?” She gives Lucy a look of ,”are you serious?”  
“It’s really good. It’s deep and dark and not for kids.”   
She takes it. Lucy was actually right. It’s not bad.   
Before she drifts off she wonders. What it would have been like if she had a friend back then. Some children had formed bonds, made friends. She was always alone. Wanting to appeal to the adults, the teachers, to be the best. Who has time for friends? And yet she wonders if she could have had a friend. Would her life turned out any different? No, it’s pointless to think about it. In the end they all ended up dead. Even if she had a friend it would have not changed a thing. It would have hurt even more. Being alone was safer. It helped her survive. And yet it did not mean she wanted to be alone.   
She remembers him. He had been everything to her. And yet he was gone. He had left her. Nothing of him remained. All burnt to ash. Nothing to remember him by. If only she had never met him… no.. She could not think like that. The memories, they made her smile, even if it hurt. She missed him. She hated him. For leaving. For dying. She loved him. For being there. It’s because of him that she can understand. The pain one feels. They call him a monster and yet he was the one who made her human. Lucy had someone like that. Somebody who was now gone. She can understand it.  
“Lucy? Are you asleep?”   
Lucy turns on her side.   
“Not anymore.”   
“ I want to ask you something.”   
“Sure.”   
“I need you help with something. Hear me out first. I remembered something. Something important in all of this. “   
“Okay.”   
“When we were in the forest, you said you saw a building.”   
“I did. A small one.”   
“That’s probably just the entry way. I remembered that there used to be an old Umbrella disposal facility in the mountains around here.”   
“No way”   
“It’s underground somewhere. And that not all. Remember the monster?”   
“Holy shit” Lucy went pale. “That thing out there is real B.O.W?”   
“Most likely. But that’s not all.”   
“What?”   
“Ashley’s mother. I recognized her from somewhere and I remembered. She used to be the one in charge of managing the facility. Margarethe something German..i don’t remember. I didn’t know she got married and changed her name. “  
“So you remember all of this from that woman inside your head.”   
Alex just nodded. “  
“Right, this will take time get used to.” Lucy said. “But we should tell your stepdad.”  
“Bad idea. After the forest. If they find out we were near an Umbrella facility everyone would go back to thinking this was an escape attempt and lock me up. “   
“So we go down there ourselves?”   
“No. if there was a biohazard that escaped the whole place could be on lockdown. But the supervisor should have a panel to monitor the facility in their house. As well away to access the data from the facility’s computer. Whatever it is, there should be logs of every B.O.W. that was disposed of. If we get that to Barry then he would have to believe us. “  
“So you want to break into their house?”   
“Well, they haven’t done anything about the thing being lose in fifteen years. “   
“You’re right. it’s like that saying. The lesser of two evils. But can we really pull it off?”  
“We’ll need to be carefull. Find out their working hours. If they have any security cameras on the property. That sort of thing.”   
Lucy nods. 

When you're filled with doubt  
You'll find the weight is fallin'  
Oh, you can feel me now your high  
Is all that's callin'?  
Can we all escape  
Help me find a way  
Can we all escape  
Help me find a way, find a way


	9. Bullet With Butterfly Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, has anyone gone and listened to the songs? Just curious.

Chapter 9 : Bullet With Butterfly Wings  
“Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal  
But can you fake it, for just one more show?  
And what do you want? I want to change  
And what have you got?  
When you feel the same  
Even though I know--I suppose I'll show  
All my cool and cold-like old job  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage”- Bullet With Butterfly Wings, Smashing Pumpkins

The needle digs into her skin. Vibrates. It hurts more than she expected but pains is something she is used to. Still in disbelief that she is going thought with it. This feels stupid. But people do stupid things. Now she can say she did a stupid thing too. It feel like that but at the same time it feels right. Like it belongs there. When she saw it something inside her just screamed for this.  
Just hours before they Lucy caught her reading.  
“Metamorphosis? Isn’t that the one where a dude turns into a bug?”  
“Yes. “ She sighs, frustrated at how Lucy seems to make it seem so banal.  
“Yeah, if had to pick. I’d like to be butterfly.” She says “One they’re beautiful. Two did you ever that the wings of a butterfly can create a typhoon on the other side of the world? It’s called the chaos theory.”  
Alex smiles a little at the thought. Lucy could put an interesting spin on things. Its sounds so like her. But at the same time is sounds awfully optimistic. That even a tiny insect could have a greater impact on the world.  
The image is something that was inspired by the shirt she wore that day, or so Lucy claimed. A butterfly that was in fact not a butterfly. It looks innocent from a distance but up close one can see details. Not that Alex would let anyone get close or see it. The upper wings are two skulls looking at each other. One for him. One for herself. The lower wings are their hands reaching. Never touching. Forever apart. The body is the space between them. With ripples coming from under the wings. Like halos over their heads, connecting them. Lucy says it’s the chaos rippling thought the world, creating storms. She likes the idea. Smiles despite the pain. It’s a silly little thing but she doesn’t regret it.  
“Let life no more divide, what death can join together.”  
Alex looks up at Lucy.  
“A name. For the tattoo.” Lucy says. “I think it fits.”  
Alex nods. She pulls her shirt down. Get of the mattress. It’s getting late.  
“Don’t get wet it for a few days and don’t do any work outs.” Lucy is trying to read the messy handwritten notes she had on the after care.  
“What was the last one?” she squints” oh yeah, clean regularly.”  
It’ good to be back at the house. Strangely. Perhaps it’s just good to be out of that room, out of that house. The black cat rubs against her leg. Purrs. She pets it. Perhaps before she would have kicked it away. But she need to pretend to be Natalia. And really the fur is so soft and warm. It’s not as filthy or unpleasant one would expect a wild cat to be .Lucy had been feeding it well.  
“So, Friday.” Lucy says. “They are both out. I’ve checked their work schedules at the clinic.”  
“For how long?”  
“Four hours.”  
“That should be enough time. “  
“Ashley should be at school. So the house will be empty.”  
“So all we need to do now is figure out security.” Alex said.  
“Can you do that as well?”  
“I can check for cameras.”  
“That’ll do.”  
“I’ll take care of the rest.”  
Still a few days to go. She goes to school. Waits. The week flies by fast.  
She lays in bed, waiting. Tomorrow is the day. If she can access the facility. Get into old Umbrella accounts. Money, vehicles for escape, any data she could find in the facility on whatever bio-weapon it was. And then what? The Uroboros sample was lost. Because of her other self. Could she recreate it from memory? The data was probably lost. His legacy was gone. His dream. Her wish to fulfil it – unattainable. She failed. Was there any point in trying to escape? Was there any point to any of it at all? It had not gone according to her plan. Too much was lost. But would it even work if she started again? If she got back to the island would she find anything left? Did Terrasave take all of what was left? Could she get back if she tried? It all seems hopeless.  
“You’re a failure. Always were. That’s why you’re only second best.” Spencer’s words echo in her head.  
Even if she escaped would it change anything? The cage seems to follow wherever she goes. Would she even know what to do with her freedom? It seems like her whole life has been spent in the cage known as Umbrella.  
“One cannot escape the self, only consume the self” her own words echo back at her.  
Who is she? Alex Wesker? Natalia? The teenage girl? The old woman? Umbrella scientist? She doesn’t know. She cannon answer and it scares her. She is nothing. Without Umbrella. Without Spencer. Without Him. She doesn’t know how to be anything without him. . Who does she want to be? She doesn’t know. A Nothing cannot become anything. 

Surprisingly there are no cameras around the property. The alarm is not turned on either. They sneak to the back door. Away from the street. The house near the forest. Uphill. Away from all others. Alex takes out the lock pick she stole from Barry. The lock gives in. They stand in the kitchen.  
“Where to?”  
“Let’s look for an office.” Alex says.  
Lucy moves to the room on left. Alex moves straight ahead. It troubles her that the alarm was disabled. Did they simply forget? Umbrella operatives had high security homes. Especially ones connected to a facility. Had she been wrong? Was this just a regular house? The planning was not standard. All of them were usually built the same way. And yet the woman had been living at this address for more than twenty years.  
“Alex” Lucy whispered. “I think I found it  
Lucy was standing in a doorway. The room did look like an office. The large desk. Cases with files and folders. Alex began looking around.  
“I’d be more help if I knew what we’re looking for.” Lucy said.  
“You know the Umbrella logo? Anything with that.” She said.  
“Got it.”  
There was a thump coming from upstairs. Both froze in place.  
“There shouldn’t be anyone here.” Lucy said beginning to panic “Both of their cars were at the clinic. Ashley should be at her school.  
“We need to make this fast.”  
“Maybe it’s a cat or something. “ Lucy said.  
Alex tried to log on to the computer.  
“Need a password.”  
“Try Ashley” Lucy said looking at some files.  
“Already did.”  
“Johnathan?”  
“Doesn’t work”  
“Wait.” Lucy took a picture of the shelf, took it out the frame.” It’s their wedding photo and the date. 2004 09 12”  
“Got it. I’m in. Thanks.”  
She began searching for any files with Umbrella in the name. There were a few. Trying to open one cause a field to pop up. Alex entered her restoration number and password.  
“I can’t believe they still work.”  
“You’re in?” Lucy rushed over to take a look.”  
“Yeah. Now it says the data is on the terminal in the facility. And there is no connection to the terminal. It seems that it’s impossible to restore remotely.  
“Connection lost” blinked on the screen.  
“So we have to go in there?” Lucy looked scared.  
“No choice.” Alex said.  
“But what about the thing you said?”  
“I’m on it?”  
There was a sound of the office door opening.  
“Who are you?! What are you doing here?” Ashley in white night gown stood there.  
“Shit” Lucy panicked. “Alex”  
“Don’t move or I’m calling the police.” The girl yelled.  
“Please don’t. This isn’t what it looks like.” Lucy tried.  
Alex finished resetting the security system. The wall of the office began to move revealing a passage way.  
“Come on.” She called out to Lucy.  
The elevator began moving down. It was a long ride. Then the door opened. It was dark but lights soon began turning on. There was a train there. Waiting. Alex moved to the front of the train. Lucy was looking at all the crates.  
“Who” she opened one of them to find it full of weapons.  
“Take one. We might need it. “  
“I don’t really know how to handle a riffle” Lucy said.  
The train began moving.  
“Estimated arrival time is twenty minutes” said the robotic voice  
“So, is bad in there?” Lucy asked.  
“I don’t know. There was a biohazard. The facility computer locked the place down. A special clean up team should have been sent. However the alert was never sent. Somebody manually stopped it and disabled the lockdown. “  
“So. Somebody didn’t people to come?”  
“They must have disabled the facility terminal to do it. To stop the computer from reporting to Umbrella HQ. in other words to keep what happened here a secret.” Alex said.  
“So, were headed to zombie central?” Lucy took the gun from the crate.  
“I doubt it.”  
“The logs show that the facility has been accessed after that. In fact several times. Last one was about six months ago. This and the lack of an outbreak means that it should be safe. Well, relatively safe.”  
“Right. It’s just a monster in the woods.” Lucy began searching the other crates.  
The train stopped. The door opened. Lights in the ceiling and floor of the hallway began to light up. The metal double door with the red and white symbol. Alex felt strange seeing it again.  
Umbrella. Her whole life was dictated by it. She was a product they created. To serve their purpose. Even before she knew the truth. Everything in her life happened because of them. Because of Spencer. But Umbrella was no more. Spencer was dead. And yet here she was alive. Who would she be without Umbrella? How her life would have been different? Deep down she feel hate for this symbol. In her time working there she was used to it. But now the loathing is all she feels.  
She goes to the panel at the door. Types in her code. Door opens. The hall is lit. Other door at the cross shaped intersection.  
“Where to?” Lucy asks.  
She pauses. Looks at the directions on the sides.  
“We need the main control room. It’s probably a level or two below us.”  
“You really know this stuff.” Lucy remarks.  
“Of course. I ‘ve worked from Umbrella.”  
“Right. Crazy lady in your head…” Lucy tries to wrap her head around it.  
“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”  
“So what if we like open the door and a thing jumps out at us?” Lucy wondered.  
“Isn’t that why you brought that?” She points to the riffle.  
“I don’t know how to handle that.”  
Alex sighs.  
“The inner coms.” She points to the panels. “Push the button and listen to what on the other side. “  
Lucy does that.  
“All quiet on the left.”  
“We need a key card for this door. There should be one in this facility. So let’s go find it. “  
“You think Ashley called the cops by now?”  
“Doesn’t matter. It’s not like they can enter here.”  
“Right. It’s just us and whatever creepy things are down here.”  
“Let’s get this done fast and get out of here.” She says. 

A part of her wonders if bringing Lucy into this was a good idea. Another part of her wonders why she is going through with this at all. Even if she escapes nothing will change. It’s all pointless. The feeling that she should just die. Realize how pointless it all is. Give up. And just die. It grows. Being in this place just reminds her of all the horror she had go through. And all the things she’s done. She could endure it all before because he was there. But he’s dead now. Lucy could never take his place. No one could ever take his place.  
They enter a room that is large. Full of glass cylinder containers. And in most of them seem to be human embryos of different stages. Some look like babies, or even children. One looks just like Ashley. Lucy looks in disbelief.  
“That’s Ashley!”  
Alex looks around. It’s nothing unusual to her. The last contained holds a creature. It’s tall and white, sharp claws. The chest area down to the stomach is very long and split open. Sharp teeth like bones grow in the cavity. It’s head is small.  
“That’s the thing from the picture” Lucy says still in disbelief” Why is it here? Why is Ashley here?”  
Alex can’t bring herself to say it. Lucy seems so genuinely, innocently confused. Steps echo on the hall. Thankfully she doesn’t have to answer.  
“This is as far as you go.” Margarethe enter the room, holding a pistol aimed at Alex.  
“Are you growing clones of her?” Lucy questions the woman, still confused.  
Margarethe laughs.  
“A couple of kids?! I don’t know how you got in here. But you won’t be leaving.” There is hint of a German accent in her voice.  
“Answer my god damn question!” Lucy yells.  
The woman now aims the gun at her.  
“This is a bioweapon we have been developing. It has the ability to reproduce by making copies of itself. We’ve been looking into ways of making it more hostile.”  
“What does Ashley have to do with this?”  
Alex almost laughs at how naïve the girl can be.  
“Ashley.” Margarethe laughs” You mean the dormant state of bioweapon? It’s quite ingenious. While inactive it looks and acts like a human. It’s because of the memories implanted into it. However once active it will lose all memory and become unable change back to human form. “  
“No.” Lucy shakes her head, falls to her knees “No! Fucking! Way!”  
The riffle drops from her hand. Alex drops to floor before Margarethe can aim at her again. Rolls grabs the gun. Releases the lock. Shoots. Rapid fire hits Margarethe. She drops the gun. Drops to the floor. Blood blooming on her white coat. Her arm, shoulder, right side were hit.  
Lucy get’s up. She’s crying.  
“You shot her?!”  
“She would have shot us both.”  
Lucy just shakes her head again.  
“This is too much. Killing people. Turning them into fucked up monsters. Ashley was her own person!. She had dreams and … fuck.” She breaks down sobbing.” This is too messed up..”  
“ That’s what Umbrella… that’s what I did.” It comes out as a whisper.  
Saying it makes I real. All the guilt that she buried deep inside. The knowing that it was wrong. Seeing Lucy break down. It reminded her that it was indeed wrong. No matter how many reasons she made up to justify it. No matter the excuses she made. The world saw her the same way Lucy did. As wrong. Horrible. A monster.  
“We still have a mission to do.” She says.  
Lucy looks at her from the floor.  
“We have to shut this thing down. Remember that why we’re here.”  
Lucy composes herself, nods.  
Alex tempers with the terminal. Powering it back on. Going thought the files. It comes to life. She types in the access code. Takes out her phone. There is still a weak signal. She dial the number. Somebody picks up.  
“Hello, you’ve reached the B.S.A.A”  
“Hello, I would like to report an Umbrella facility developing bioweapons at these coordinates… the entrance it at the house of Davis family. “ She hangs up.  
Lucy looks at her surprised.  
“Now what?”  
Alex sighs.  
“You said you wanted to get out of this town.”  
“I do. More than anything.”  
“I can get you out of here.” She says. “ Davis helped herself to some of Umbrellas fortune when the company went under. I can wire you some money.”  
Lucy looked at her in disbelief.  
“There is a vehicle bay. I will open the hangar and disable the GPS tracking on one of the cars. Take it, the secret tunnel should take you to somewhere on the high way. “  
“What about you?”  
“I told you. I’m wanted. If I run they will chase me down. They’ll arrest you as an accomplice. You will never have any freedom with me around. “  
Lucy’s eyes are full of tears and gratitude. She takes of her bracelet and puts on Alex.  
“Thanks you.”  
Alex looks at the computer. Tears welling up in her eyes. She blames this surge of emotions on Natalia.  
:Just go. Before they get here! Or you’ll lose your chance to escape.”  
She runs. Stops back and yells  
“Thank you, for everything!”  
Alex doesn’t look. Can’t look. It hurts. But she realizes that she can’t escape. They would follow, search, and hunt her down. There would be no freedom for her. But maybe, she could be the one to pen the cage for somebody else. Set someone else free. There is no hope for her but perhaps there still is hope for Lucy. 

They finder her by the terminal. Barry among them. She is crying but not for the reason they all think. They take her in question her. She tells them about how she awoken those memories about the facility in the forest. Its partially true. About how she was afraid they wouldn’t trust her. How she wanted to investigate before saying anything. She had erased footage from the cameras of her shooting Margarethe and a few other things that didn’t match her story.. She survived. She and her husband was arrested. As for Lucy. She just ran. Saw an opportunity. Say she wanted to get out of this town many times. And then she just ran. The cameras show her getting into the car and driving off. None of the tearful goodbye.  
She wonders if they will punish her. Lock her up in a high security prison. Turn her into an experiment? They seem worried, confused. Dr. Haupman shows up.  
“I believe that Natalia has more control over Dr. Wesker’s memories then I previously thought. Using those memories to stop the experiments instead of escaping. This proves she is capable of resisting the influence.”  
Everyone just nods in agreement. Unable to process what really happened. Alex smiles to herself. If only they knew. But seems that her life as Natalia will continue for now. 

„Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved  
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage  
And I still believe that I cannot be saved  
And I still believe that I cannot be saved  
And I still believe that I cannot be saved  
And I still believe that I cannot be saved“


	10. Smoke

Chapter 10 : Smoke  
In a smoke filled room  
With your father watching me  
There's three doors and no keys  
It's rising, it's choking me  
In a smoke filled room  
In a smoke filled room  
There's a man with no face Just a blurred out portrait  
In a photo frame I'm losing again  
I'm losing my friend- Smoke, Daughter

The room is familiar to her. She had been there many times. Spencer’s old office. The painting of the old man on the wall. But it is different now. Clouded. Foggy. Swirling smoke fills it. But there is no fire. It’s coming from the door. It was not there originally. It’s open but there is only darkness past it. Alex is not the young girl she is. She looks like the woman she used to be, her old self. Something emerges from the darkness. She turns. Sees him. The same black suit. Dark glasses.   
“You can’t be here. You’re dead” She says   
“So are you” He responds.   
“Not quite” she says.” Though I wish I was.”   
He comes closer. Embraces her.   
“I’m sorry. I failed.” She whispers.  
“It hardly matters” he strokes her hair.   
“You’re right, it doesn’t matter. “ She stand on the tips of her toes, kisses him.   
He returns her kiss. Pushes her against the table. She sits on it, leans back on her arms, and gives him access to her neck. He leans down. Kissing her again. Moving down her neck.   
“I missed you so much.” She whispers.   
He unbuttons her shirt. Hands touching her. Whispers in her ear.   
“I missed you too.”   
He undresses her. It’s just like before. Back when he was alive. It feels real. She feels him moving inside her. The pleasure building. Arms around his neck. All she wants is to hold him like this forever. Finally having him back. She comes. Feels him follow soon after. He kisses her again. Looks back over his shoulder.   
“They’re calling me back” He says.   
“Can’t you stay a little longer?” She pleads.   
He shakes his head. Begins to fade, turn into smoke. She could have sworn she herd Birkin’s voice from the darkness beyond the door. The door closes on its own. Vanishes.   
Alex wakes up in her bed. Of course it was a dream. The dead don’t just come back to life. Well not like they used to be. As monsters, as zombies, sure but not as people. He isn’t coming back, no matter how much she wants him to. She pulls her legs to her chest, cries until the alarm goes off. Washes her face with cold water. Puts on make up to cover the crying.   
The ride to school is quiet. Lucy isn’t there to greet her by the gate. Even thought she was loud and sometimes obnoxious, she did break up the monotony. As she walks to class somebody bumps into her. It almost knocks her down. She looks up. It’s the boy she saw once outside of art class. She tries to remember his name. Lucy called him Eliot. Messy shoulder long auburn hair. He gives her grin. He did it on purpose that much is clear.   
“Better watch where you’re going. Lucy ain’t here to protect you anymore.”   
She ignores him and his snickering friends. Walks away. Sees his posture fall from confident to confused in the reflection in the glass door. It art class and Mr. Hoffman forces her to stay behind and make up for all the time she spent in house arrest. She isn’t too thrilled.   
“You know, Miss Burton, you can talk to me about anything.” He says leaning on one of the desks, observing her.   
She ignores him. She doesn’t care much for secrecy anymore. He seems insistent that she get’s creative with her drawings. He won’t let her leave until she makes something that pleases him. She begins to see why Lucy didn’t like him.   
Black on red. Black ground, red sky. A small orange line, like a fire in the middle. A black shape of a tower rising from the ground.   
“Very good.” He moves closer. Stands behind her, almost touching.   
He takes her hand, moves it.   
“Now if you used this stroke.”   
She tenses, feeling his hand on hers. Tries to pull away.   
“It’s alright. Relax.” He takes the brush, draws a few lines.   
His hand moves to her side. She can’t leave. He is holding her in place.   
“Now try again.” He smiles, reassuring.   
She does what she’s told. He takes her hand again. Moves it until she can repeat the stroke exactly. The thin orange line is now mixed with yellow and pink. A sunrise? Or maybe a sunset.   
“I’m sorry.” He says when she prepares to leave.” I should have warned you about Miss Jones. I hope you’re not taking her leaving too hard.”   
She says nothing. She is aware of the game he is playing. Trying to act like he cares. She knew men like him. She remembers Lucy hating the man. She returns the sentiment. Flips him off while leaving the classroom.   
She is still wearing the bracelet Lucy gave her. It’s not elegant. She wonder why she didn’t take it off. It’s black leather with four rows of metal studs circling around it.   
Alex spends the lunch break in the house. Cid is trying to steal some of the chicken Kathy cooked. She finally gives up on protecting her food and tosses the cat a large piece. She supposes that now she needs to take care of it. The cat seems to notice Lucy’s absence as well. It looks at her, the then at the door. Meows a few times. Settles down on a shirt Lucy left behind on Friday. It almost makes her feel sad. It’s quiet. It was never quiet when Lucy was there. She always played music. The silence seems unfitting for this place. It feel like a funeral. Too heavy. Lucy is not dead. She is far away and probably having the time of her life. Silence doesn’t suit her. She finds the old CD player. It plays “Sex Pistols”. Lucy loved them. Named the cat after their vocalist. Put a small chain with a tiny padlock on him. So people don’t think he’s a stray. The cat get’s up. Moves closer to her. She looks at it annoyed. Raises her food overhead. Cid climbs on her lap. Sits down and purrs. She strokes his fur. It feels nice. It’s warm. It isn’t too bad. He doesn’t go for her food anymore. Just sits there snoozing.   
She tells herself she doesn’t care about Lucy. And there is no way she could miss that girl. These feelings must be Natalia’s. Yet she wonders, if she had gone with her. Where would the two of them be now? Somewhere far away. A big city. Back in the U.S. . . Seattle maybe. She did wire some money to one of her own accounts. Made copies of the data from the facility. It could be useful. And even if the B.S.A.A. cleaned it out, it was still there. The terminal, the labs, the equipment. But it would be risky to do anything right now. Maybe in a few years when they’ve stopped monitoring it. After they caught the monster in the woods. 

Another night another dream. She is back there in that smoke filled room. Wonders if he will show up again. He does.   
“What is this place, anyways?” She asks.   
“A room” He responds.   
“But where? Raccoon city was destroyed.”   
“In between.”   
“In between what?”   
“I doesn’t really matter.”   
“It’s a dream. I had one like this before. Sure is strange to know you’re in dream when you’re dreaming.”   
“It’s called lucid dreaming. Care to dance?” He bows, extends his hand to her.  
“Why not. But there’s no music?”  
The melody starts playing out of nowhere. She takes his hand. Even if it is a dream, it feels good. She doesn’t want it to end. She rests her head against his chest as they waltz.   
“You know it’s a pity we only danced once.” She says.   
“ We never had an occasion to.”   
“ No, we didn’t.”   
The song is over. They stop.   
“You’re leaving again.” she realizes.   
“I have to.” He says looking at the door.   
“Take me with you! I don’t want be without you!”   
“I can’t. it’s not your time.” he walks back into the darkness, vanishes.  
She reaches for him, her finger only touch air. It’s cold as ice. There are voices echoing in the dark. The door closes and vanishes.   
She awakes with a pain in her chest. These dreams only make her miss him more. She looks at the bracelet. Then at her tattoo. Things that will remind her of Lucy. Somebody she only knew for a short time. She had known him more or less her whole life, yet she had nothing of his. Nothing to remind her that he was there. Only memories. And dreams and the pain in her heart.   
Another day of school. She runs into Eliot again. He and his friends block her way. Standing on the stairs not letting her pass.   
“Better go around then” one teases” or you’ll be late for class.”   
She turns around. Somebody pushes her from behind. She grabs on to the railing. Steadies herself. Hears them laughing. Takes a breath. They are not worth it. She walks away.   
Another free period spent making up for missed art classes. Hoffman is standing behind her again. Close. He doesn’t touch her yet. She suppresses the feeling of disgust. Does what he tells her. He is good at teaching art. But bad at hiding his intentions.   
He touches her shoulder. Hand sliding down her arm. She tries to ignore it.   
“You know if anyone is giving you trouble. Or if you simply need someone to talk to.”   
She can feel his break on her neck.   
“Whatever makes you think I need someone?” she retorts, cold. Emotionless.   
“You don’t have be strong. You don’t have to pretend with me. Clearly you’re sad. Your friend has left you. But you don’t have to be alone.”   
She wants to vomit.   
“I’ll decline but thanks for the offer.”   
She pushes back. Leaves before he says she can. Doesn’t care.

She sees the familiar room once more. These dreams have been giving her comfort as well as great sadness. But they allowed her to see him. Even if it was only a dream of him. He emerges from the blackness. No suit this time. He looks like he did that night. Taller. Black coat flowing behind him.  
“What’s the occasion?” She wonders  
He gives her a sly smile.   
“Fine. Keep your secrets.”   
“If I recall, you seemed to enjoy this form.”   
She feels her face flush.   
“Maybe I did”   
He embraces her from behind. She shivers with excitement.   
“This time it won’t hurt.”   
“You know, I don’t mind the pain.” She says.   
“I know.” He kissed the top of her head, lifts her into his arms.   
She straddles him on the sofa in the waiting area. He lays there waiting for her to adjust. Let’s her set the pace. She tries to drag it out. She doesn’t want to wake up. But he touches her, fingers teasing her. Making her lose control. It’s over all too soon. She lays in his arms.   
“You’re going to leave again, aren’t you.” She questions.  
“You already know the answer”   
He sits up. She clings to his back.   
“Please stay, just a while longer.”   
He looks at the darkness, listens.   
“I guess it’s alright.”   
He kisses her. Hold her close. It hurts knowing that it will end. But she doesn’t want to let go.   
“I’m sorry “he says.” I won’t be able to see you anymore”   
He gets up. Leaving her confused.   
“What you mean? This is my dream! You’ll be here when I fall asleep.” She feels tears flowing down her face.   
He shakes his head.   
“I’m afraid not.”   
“Why?”   
“It’s not for me to decide.” He looks back at the door.  
“You’re going to go back there.” She says disappointed.   
“Not this time. That is why I can’t see you anymore.”   
A new door appears on the other side of the room. Grey.   
“Don’t leave.” She pleads weakly. “Don’t go somewhere I can’t follow. Not again”   
He embraces her.   
“It will be alright. It’s not forever. Just a long time. I will see you again.”   
He opens the door. Behind it is a light. It’s blinding. She can’t see. He is gone. The door vanishes.   
The week passes by. No matter how hard she tries she doesn’t dream the room anymore. Or him. it’s like he had been erased even from her dreams. It reminds her of that night. The night she had asked him to end her suffering. But instead, he left and then he died. Leaving her alone. It’s like that pain came back fresh. She can barely keep herself from crying on the ride to school. Barry looks at her funny but says nothing.   
There is smoke coming from the forest behind the school. It feels unreal. She runs. She knows what is there. Runs even faster. Enters the forest. She sees the blue jeans jacket. A red can in hand. Messy auburn hair. He turns. Looks at her. The look on his face is almost apologetic and scared. He runs. She wants to go after. But the house is burning an open flame. Barry shows up. Tries to pull her away. She struggles. Tries to run into the fire. Save something anything. But he is stronger. Pulls her back into the car. She cries. Another thing she knew is gone. It was a place where she felt safe. She felt happy. It was a sanctuary. Now just ash and smoke.


	11. Holding on to Smoke

Chapter 11: Holding on to smoke  
„I'm tired of feeling comatose  
I've lost the me that I loved most  
I'm barely holding on to smoke  
I'm barely holding on to smoke

I'm just the me that I have not met  
Choking in silence on the words left unsaid  
I feel a sickness for a home I've never been  
And I exist in black and white but now I'm seeing red  
I built a shelter in complacency  
Locked myself in and set fire and threw away the key  
So scared to live and I'm afraid to die  
So am I living or am I just alive?“ Holding on to Smoke, Motionless in White

She goes back after the fire is out. It’s all ash now. Burnt wood and debris. The remains of her book, she used to read there. Scarps of shirts, broken and melted CD’s. a burnt cat bed. She picks it up. Looks around. No trace of a body. But it could be buried under the debris. She feels tears well up in her eyes. Angers, sadness, loss. The book had been a gift from a teacher who retired. She liked Natalia and two often discussed literature. Now gone. The cat was unexpected but she rather enjoyed it’s company. The house was a special place both to her, to Natalia and to Lucy. Could she not keep a single thing she held dear? Was she destined to lose anything and everything that was of value and comfort to her? Anyone she knew.   
There is a soft meow. She turns. Eyes blurry. Something moves closer. Licks her face. Purrs. She hugs the cat. Holds it in her arms. Picks it up and carries it back to the car. Barry looks shocked. Sees her crying and says nothing.   
She missed school but nobody seemed to object to it. Kathy is rather happy about the cat. Alex insists that the padlock stays. It was Lucy’s cat. It will stay the way she left it. Cid walks around the house inspecting things. Alex feels tired, drained. The pain, the loss, the dreams. Looking in the mirror she sees herself, not the way she is. The way she was. A dying woman. The image scares her. Even now nothing has changed. She is still feeling like she is dying inside. Then comes the feeling of rage. At herself, at the world, at how helpless she is. She wants to scream, to break things. She wasn’t always this helpless. They tried to suppress her, to control her. But she found her ways. Her cruel little pleasures, her escapes, ways to break the rules, to rebel.   
It’s a pack of hair dye Lucy left since Halloween. It’s the red she never ended up using. Alex spreads it on the tips of her hair. The blond hair now turning red halfway. Like blood, like fire. Like war. Bright, aggressive red. Danger. A warning to stay away. She is rather pleased with it. It not like her at all. It’s bright, loud, screaming. She always stayed quiet, obedient, did what she was told. But inside she was a storm ready to hit full force. Now she is no longer going to hold back.   
There may be no hope of saving her old life. Continuing her work. His work. But she doesn’t care anymore. She is still alive. She can start again. But, deep down, she wonders if she should. This a chance to live life free of the past. What it could have been if Umbrella had never interfered. She could pretend to be Natalia. Barry and Kathy seemed to love her, at least while they thought of her as Natalia. Kathy tries to cheer her up. Barry does too, in his own way.”   
“I’m sure they will catch whoever did it.” He says.” Setting fire to private property, and this close to a school!”  
She says nothing. She knows who did it. Eliot. He had been attempting to bully her the past week. But she ignored him. Did it make him that angry? Was he that desperate to hurt her? It almost made her laugh. Losing the house did, surprisingly, hurt. But nothing could hurt quite as bad as losing him did. Not even some of the things Spencer put her through. She could not act against Spencer. But nothing can stop her from acting against Eliot.

It’s raining. Her clothes are black. She used to wear white, because it looked clean, pure, because in the lab everything is that color. It becomes a habit. She didn’t particularly like it. It was ingrained into her. Since they were children in the orphanage. All wearing white. For the first time in her life she casts aside. She chose black. His color. The color of death, grief, emptiness. She grieves him in her heart every day. Holds the black umbrella in her left as she searches with her eyes. Reaches in to the pocket of the black wool coat. Lucy’s bracelet. She holds in her hand. Wraps it around her knuckles. The metal studs covering the outside of her black gloves.   
She sees him. Eliot. Him and his dumb friends. Smoking in a narrow alley between buildings. They don’t notice her. She feel the rush, the desire to hurt. Runs. Ready to strike. The umbrella falls to the ground. Her fist connects with the boy’s face. The metal studs leaving an imprint that begins to bleed. He falls to the ground. Looks at her stunned. She gives his friends a look of rage and termination. The boys turn and run. She aims a kick at his shoulder before he can get up.   
“Ouch” Eliot tries to back away, crawling on the ground.   
“Oh, no you don’t.” She picks up the umbrella.” Not after what you did!”   
He stops.  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to.” Hands raised, covering his face.   
She aims another kick, somewhere a lot lower. He falls on his side, curls up in pain.  
“It’s the truth” he coughs. “Hoffman. He made me.”   
“Why would Hoffman- a teacher, have you burn down school property?” she doesn’t believe him.   
“I don’t know.. Whatever you did to him… he’s the one who mane come after you. Jones and Davis too.”   
She points the tip of the umbrella between his legs. He looks like he’s about to cry.   
“If you’re lying to me!”   
“I swear it’s the truth. Look, I know it’s hard to believe but I don’t go after people like this. I’m not a bully. He said he would hold me back and I’ve already been held back last year. I fail again I’m getting expelled. ”   
“Alright then. If what you said is true. Then I want you to testify against him.”   
There is a look of shock on his face.   
“You want me to go to the police?”   
“I will find the evidence and you will act as witness to support it. If what you said is true that there should be no problem.”   
“Yeah, alright. “

She is skeptical about Eliot’s story but he really doesn’t have a reason to be going after her like this. He and Lucy had some history. Off course simply being seen as her friend could have been enough. But Hoffman was creep and putting him in his place would be her pleasure. So the put her phone on sound record mode when she went to one of her private lessons.   
“I am glad you are unharmed. I recall you and Miss Jones spending time in that old shed.”   
Already bringing up the fire. She really wondered if he was responsible.   
“I did” She says dropping the coldness in her voice.” It was a special place for Lucy and me.”   
Hoffman wanted her to be vulnerable so she would give him a taste.   
“I’m so sorry. First loosing you friend, now this. I will make sure that the one who did it gets punished.”   
She looks over at him from the painting.   
“You say that as if you knew who did it.” Curiosity in her voice.   
“Yes, actually. I happened to see someone flying from the scene.” He gestures to the window that opens to the forest where the shed used to be. But one could not see the shed. Too many trees in the way.   
“Who was it?” she looks at him, expectantly  
“Well it’s only my assumption after all but I believe it was Mr. Brown. You probably know him as Eliot.” He said, noticing her confused expression.  
The fact that he brought up Eliot was strange. But he could have seen him run from the fire, the windows did open up to that side. She needed to push Hoffman to get a straight answer.   
“Eliot was bullying Lucy. “ She says.   
“Yes, that is unfortunate.” Hoffman says. “I’ve been trying to set him straight but some people seem to be beyond help. But he won’t be troubling you or anyone else.”   
“I never said that he was bullying me.” She responds, interest now piqued.   
He once again behind her. Close. She can feel his breath on her neck.   
“Students talk you know. People notice these things. And I will not stand by while someone is treated in such a way.”   
She doesn’t recall there being any other students around when she had her run inns with Eliot and his friends.   
“You are talented, gifted, and special.” Hoffman continues.  
These words seem awfully familiar. She had been called that. Made to believe she was. By someone else.   
“All men are not made equal. There will always be those that are superior to others. You are one of the privileged.”   
“You consider yourself privileged?” She almost burst out laughing.   
“Naturally. “He places a hand on her hip.  
She tenses. But doesn’t make a move.   
“So does being privileged give you the right to harass your students?”   
He pulls away.   
“Don’t take this wrong way.”   
“What way should I take it.” She turns, glares at him. “Because it seem to me that you think you have the right to whatever you please with your students. For example making them bully others or commit arson of school property.”   
“Where did you hear that?”   
“A little bird told me.”   
“Eliot.” Hoffman laughs”.   
“So you won’t even deny it.” She says.   
“I admit I didn’t expect him to take it this far.”   
“But you admit that you told him to set the shed on fire?”   
“Well what was I supposed to do? You’re making this awfully difficult.” He moves closer to her.  
Pins her against the easel.   
“Really?! You’re going to have your way with me right here? I’ll scream!” she threatens.   
He backs away.   
“Don’t misunderstand this. I was speaking about your artistic talents. Trying to bring them out. Many artists have created their greatest masterpieces while suffering great loss and misery. I merely want you to use your talents.”   
Alex moves her hand into her pocket, turns off the recording.   
“Oh believe me, I am. “   
The bell rings. She walks out of class. Eliot is waiting for her outside.   
“Let’s go she says.”   
They walk to the parking lot where Eliot’s car is. She sits in the passenger seat on the way to the police station. The officer listens to the recording. Skeptical. Eliot tells his story. The man questions about the bruise on his face. He says it was a fight with a friend he had. Another officer comes in. They are asked to leave. Waiting seems to take hours. People whisper about her: isn’t that one of those girls? Wasn’t her dad involved in arresting the Davis family? She is quite famous. The thought had never occurred to her, that these incidents would become well known.  
Finally an officer approaches them. Barry is coming to the station, since they couldn’t get a hold of Eliot’s parents. His dad being a sailor. Finger prints on the can found at the scene did match Eliot’s but there was another set of unidentified prints and if they matched Hoffman they could arrest him. Barry gives her a questioning look. She says nothing.   
“Why is becoming a trend to have to pick you up at the police?”   
She sigs.   
“Didn’t they explain things? It’s about the fire at school.”   
Barry sighs.   
“I know it’s hard on you. But don’t let your little adventure go to your head. You are a little girl. Not some super hero. You shouldn’t get involved in these matters any further. “   
She wants to tell him off. To push back, to argue.   
“This one’s personal” She says. “   
Barry sighs again.   
Eliot leaves on the excuse of work. The police go to the school. Hoffman refuses to come along quietly and give his finger prints. So they arrest him. A mass of students watch him get dragged out and escorted to the car. Alex stands there watching with a hand on her hip and a smug expression on her face.   
The next day it’s clear that Hoffman was involved. His fingerprints were a match for the ones fond on the container Eliot used. Other students started to come out with similar stories of being threatened into doing things. And all the charges of sexual harassment from the female students. He would remain arrested to prevent him from interfering with the gathering of the evidence. Until a solid case would be built against him.   
Alex had to repeat her story several times now. Coming and going from the station. She was just leaving when she saw Hoffman being escorted to be detained elsewhere. He noticed her. The smile on his face was sickening.   
“Well. I’d hate to spoil you victory but I guess your friend is going to die. Since I won’t be there to care for her anymore.”   
“What?” she wanted to run after him but the police got in the way. They were showing him the car.  
What friend? Did he mean Lucy? There was no one else it could be. But Lucy was far away now. She had escaped. Alex had set her free. She had saved her. Didn’t she?


	12. Infra-red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!. Contains some non consual sexual situations. Implied rape.

Chapter 12 Infra-red  
“Someone call the ambulance  
There's gonna be an accident  
I'm coming up on infra-red  
There is no running that can hide you  
'Cause I can see in the dark  
I'm coming up on infra-red  
Forget your running  
I will find you” – Infra- red, Placebo

Hoffman’s words bothered her. Despite her telling herself he was just being bitter. He just wanted to hurt her. His word meant nothing. How could he have possibly gotten a hold of Lucy? And yet the nagging feeling in her chest wouldn’t go away. She spoke to the police about it. They had searched his house, phone and his computer. After all the sexual harassment charges from students he was under suspicion of being in possession of child pornography. But no such content was found. They had found no traces of anything to do with any of his students either.   
But there was one place they hadn’t looked. Alex knew it. The silver laptop he used at school. It was not the same one they took from his house. It had to be there in his office, at school. Yet the police didn’t get a warrant to search it. But a gut feeling told her that the answers she needed were on that laptop. The only information about Lucy anyone was able to find, was the Umbrella car, wrecked two days away from town. They found it in the middle of nowhere, off the road, down a hill in a stream. No traces of blood or the driver being injured. The car had next to no gas in the tank. Anything could have happened. Maybe Lucy abandoned it. Maybe traded it with someone.   
Alex sat in the library plotting how to get into Hoffman’s private office. Problem one; the old lady at the reception desk who had all the office keys. Problem number two the security cameras and security guard. They would see her take the key. She would get into trouble not to mention most likely interrupted before she could find what she needed. Problem three – all the people at school who could see her stealing the key. This wasn’t like breaking into Umbrella, where she knew all access codes and was one of the senior staff members. Her thought were interrupted when somebody blocked out the light. Looking up she saw Eliot. Still porting the bruise she gave him.   
“Uhm, hi” he stood there being awkward.   
She looks at him, not sure what to expect. They hadn’t spoken since the day Hoffman got arrested.   
“So. ..I’m sorry again. about burning your place down… I just thought.. Maybe you.. I know a place you could stay ..”   
A secret place she didn’t know anything about sounded interesting.   
“Show me.” She said   
A part of her did consider it being a payback trick for beating him up. Eliot led her outside. To the other side of school. Then he picked up the bottom of the chain link fence and rose it up. She got under it. Past the few trees and bushes was an old stadium. Then some greenhouses and an old building similar to the ones belonging to the school. The old building connected to one of the school buildings. But the half on this side was clearly in disrepair. Eliot pointed to the green metal door.   
“In there. “   
The door opened. It squeaked slightly.  
“What is this place?” she said looking around.   
The stairs lead up to a hall. There was a wall of opaque glass tiles.   
“The school used to be a collage ,researching something to do with plants.”  
“Agricultural research institute. “ Alex read the fade writing on the board.   
“Yeah, that. The collage moved out but some of the stuff is still here.”   
She walked between the glass walls into a room that made her hear skip a beat. It was a laboratory. Some of the equipment was still there.   
“It’s kind of creepy, no?” Eliot said.   
“Who else knows about this place?” she asked.   
“Me and the guys used to come here sometimes to smoke but we don’t any more. And we never went in this far. Just outside the door. But it’s too long to go here then walk back and you can’t hear the bell at all.”   
She was only half listening. Inspecting the equipment.   
“I’m sorry I was being mean to you and Lucy.” He said.” I wish I had had the guts to stand up to Hoffman. I was just scared he’d have me kicked out of school.”   
“Well he was going to frame you for the arson” she said.  
“Yeah, I guess I was pretty stupid to trust that guy.” Eliot sighed.   
She agreed on him being stupid. But he could follow orders given the right initiative and had driver’s license. He could be useful.   
“Yes, you are” She agreed.   
He looked at her surprised.   
“But so was Hoffman. Why do you think he only preyed on students? He was bad at hiding his intentions and gave himself away. I can’t believe nobody caught him sooner.”   
“You’re really something. It’s like you’re not scared of anything.”   
Fearless. Once she had claimed to be. She wasn’t. She knew it. she could still feel fear. It never truly left her. It was there, always in the background. Most times she forgot it was even there. So used to it. Constantly looming over her. Having to be carefull, watching her every step. Since the early days in Umbrella. The looming shadow of fear, punishment, failure, death. But her greatest fear had already come to pass, twice. With his death.   
She just shakes her head. Repeats the words she has heard or perhaps read somewhere.   
“Courage is not being unable to feel fear. Courage is feeling it and moving forward regardless.”   
Eliot seems to consider it for a moment.   
“Keep going just like that? It still sound difficult.”   
“It is.” She is being honest.   
“Still, you’re a hella lot braver then most of us here.”  
She says nothing. Accepts the compliment. Not sure if she deserves it or not. Her intent was purely selfish. Revenge. She didn’t plan to be a hero.   
Eliot leaves. She is alone. Goes around the empty building. Inspects it. Gathers what other equipment she can find. The building still had water and power. Being connected to a school building that makes sense. However the two are completely disconnected inside. One cannot enter without thought the outside. The main entrance is boarded up. And the green door used to be locked with a padlock that somebody cut the chain from. The lab overlooks the inner yard that can’t be seen from the street or the school yard. The windows are opaque. But light can still be seen. She will need to be careful if she stays late.   
A plan has already began to form in her head. She uses the money she stole from the Davis’s to get some more equipment. Has Eliot do all the heavy lifting. She pays him for the work. He doesn’t ask questions. She uses aliases, several different accounts. Information she has committed to memory long ago. Gets herself a laptop. Starts working on a program to copy all the data from Hoffman’s computer.   
Days of digging in the trash finally pay off. She holds the paper tissue with a tweezer. Inspects it under a microscope. It’s alive, but just barely. A flu virus. Without a host it will die. Luckily she has one prepared. She takes one white rat from its cage. Injects the extracted virus into it. Places it back. Takes its temperature. Makes notes. Hair tied back. White lab coat on. Rubber gloves. Face mask in place. She doesn’t really need it. The virus inside her body would never allow another to infect her. But it is a habit born from many years spent making viruses and monsters.   
Eliot enters. She had been insistent that he take the necessary precautions whenever he came here. The plastic bags on his shoes, gloves, mask. He looks around the room. Tables full of tubes, and equipment and rats in cages. He places another cage.   
“The pet store was out of rats.” He says.   
The Guinea pigs make cute little noises in their cage. Alex looks over at them.   
“I suppose these will do.”   
“I know it’s none of my business but what are you doing here?” Eliot finally asks.   
“You’re right. it is none of your business. It’s a personal science project of mine. Nothing to be concerned about. “  
He says nothing more.  
It’s been couple of weeks and yet there are no results. She wasn’t expecting it to be that easy but it starting look hopeless. In two weeks school will close for Christmas break. She needs to act out her plan till then. Trying to bread a strand of a virus with very specific traits is something she has done before. But she had all the resources of Umbrella then.   
Eliot tries not to squirm as the needle pierces the skin. She draws blood. Fills up the vial attached to the syringe. Undoes the belt around the top his arm, pulls out the needle. Places a band aid on. He holds his arm bent to his chest. Eyes full of questions. But he keep quiet. She hands him 20 dollars. He takes it. Leaves. He is easy to handle. Hoffman trained him well to keep his mouth shut.   
It would help so much if she had a human to experiment with but the blood she get from Eliot and his friends will have to do. There is only so much one can achieve with limited resources. And yet she refuses to admit defeat. Words from Spencer still haunt her. “If you have time to make excuses, you have time to her results.” It would be so easy to make excuses. But she needs results.   
It’s morning. She spent the night in the lab. It’s cold. Fed Barry some excuse about staying over at a classmates for a project. She feels sore from sleeping in an old classroom chair. Arms crossed on the table, head resting on her elbow. The lab coat does nothing for warmth. She goes to the side room. Turns on the electric kettle. Makes a cup of coffee   
It is nostalgic. Doing science work again. She goes around the cages, examines all the subjects. The changes in them. Looks for any who might have died in the night. Makes sure to place them in airtight containers and to burn them later. Finally she finds one that seems to have made a miraculous recovery overnight. Checks her notes to make sure. Checks the others in the same group. Extracts some blood. Examines it. Grins. She did it. Just one more day to make sure it works on humans. Some homeless guy who will do anything for money or booze. It works like clockwork. Exact. Instant. The man looks at her terrified. She just smiles a cruel smile as she watches him suffer. She told him it was a new drug that needed testing. She takes notes. He should have known better, after all who conducts tests in the middle of the woods?   
Alex holds the syringe. Imbeds it into her arm. Presses. The cold sting as the yellowish liquid enters her. She has an hour at most. It will have to be enough. Leaves the girls room and goes out into the hallway. It’s lunch break. The halls are overcrowded. She takes out the vial, opens it. Tosses it in the trash next to a group of teens. With so many people next to each other it should spread like wild fire. She sets the timer on her smartwatch. Now she just needs to wait.   
The clock alarm goes off with a quiet vibration in history class. The first hands start rising up. Alex smirks to herself. Can’t help it. The teacher is confused at first. Soon everybody starts to get up. Rush to the door. But their class is not the only one. The whole school is. The teacher starts doubling over as well. One of the students is already vomiting. Alex gets up like everyone else. Leaves the classroom. Rushes along the hall. Lines outside the bathrooms. Students vomiting in corners. The nurse office is overcrowded. People are calling for help. She breaks into a run. The first sound of an ambulance can be heard outside the school.   
Just as she thought the security guard has left his post. She turns of the cameras. Runs. The old woman has left the post. She takes the key from the office. She hears the sirens as more ambulances are coming. Runs to the stairs. Gets up to the top floor. Almost no one is in the halls. The teachers are trying to get everybody outside. This side of the building is empty. She finds Hoffman’s office. Get’s inside. The lap top is in the drawer. She takes out the USB with the special program she made. Plugs it in. sees the bar start to fill up. Security bar pops up. Password needed. She wonders. He had often referenced Picasso in his class. She tries it. It actually works. Not to mention there is a large framed work of the man, right in front of the desk. Hoffman was not very clever after all. The download is almost finished. She is starting to feel the first symptoms. Her head becoming dizzy. It won’t last long, just enough to make it convincing. The one she injected was special, weaker, nothing that would make the virus inside her trigger. It will die on its own soon enough. She made it that way.   
Download is done. She takes the USB stick. Places the laptop back in the drawer. She made sure to wear gloves doing this, leaved no traces. Locks the door. Puts the key back. Goes outside where the doctors are setting up an area. The five hundred students and the teachers and most of the staff getting sick all at once was not something they were prepared for. They check her temperature. She had the fever. Complains about upset stomach. Headache. The same as everyone. A bad stomach flu. Barry is there. Most parents have been alerted by now. The local hospital can’t take in this many. Most are sent home with a shot of medicine. But what they don’t know is that none of this is really needed. In a few hours it will die on its own. Its life force spent. Because she made it this way. Before anyone can figure out what happened. All trace of her virus will be gone. It works instantly and live for four hours on average, giving the immune system a boost in the process.   
Barry looks at her. Half angry, half concerned. But she is breathing heavy. Cold sweat on her brow. Her body aches a little. He gives in. leaves her alone. She goes to her room. To sleep, she says. Kathy is worried. Goes to make some chicken soup. She pretends to drink the medicine. Spits it out into the toilet. Finally in her room. She takes out her laptop and plugs the stick in. starts look through the data she got from Hoffman. Lists, numbers. Student works. Something else. A live feed from a camera is coming in. She opens it and wants to scream.   
It’s dark. But there is still some light. The camera is pointed at somebody on the floor. There are black plastic sheets on the floor. The person in front of the camera is tied up. There is blood on their skin. That person is Lucy.   
It get’s worse. Many feeds like this are saved. It also shows that some have been sent somewhere else. Or uploaded online. She opens one. The name is just numbers. Lucy is tied up, naked. On the flood with her legs spread in clear view of the camera. Blindfolded. The intricate patterns of ropes and knots on her body. Ankles bound to her thighs, hands behind her back. Somebody enters the frame. Just the legs. Kneels down, face out of frame. But she recognizes the shirt, it’s the same one he wore to class so often. The ways his hands touch Lucy’s breast makes her blood boil with rage and disgust. He starts touching her more intimate places. The video ends. Nothing in the videos to help figure out the location she opens another one. Alex feels sick. It starts with Hoffman, naked on top of Lucy.   
Barry jumps at the sound of the door slamming. Natalia, or at least he things it’s her., rushes down the stairs and slams a laptop on the living room table.   
“Call the Police” She demands.   
He looks at her confused. Then he looks down at the screen.   
She sits the at station. Waits. They have many questions. But no one can deny the urgency of the situation. It’s already been five weeks since Lucy left. And it’s been almost a month since Hoffman was arrested. Finding Lucy was a priority, if she was even still alive.   
She tells them that she used the commotion at the school to break into his office. She made sure to erase her program before handing in the USB stick. She just managed to guess his password and copy the files. It was illegal she knows but she was worried about the threat he made. She already has a reputation. It seems to work for her. It’s all she cares about. They will punish her later, once Lucy is found. But by then will probably have forgotten all about it.   
They uncover a lot more than just what she found. There are many different videos. All in the same room. Different people. Mostly girls, but there are some guys. These records have been found uploaded to the dark web. Lists of names of people who have gone missing in the area. Turns out Ashley was not the only monster hunting people. Prices next to the names. Hoffman wasn’t just kidnaping people and filming what he did to them. He was selling them after he was done.   
Finally someone uncovered a website with a constant feed from the same camera. They managed to track its location. It was around the area where the car was found. And old farm house with a basement. They found Lucy down there. Still alive. But just barely. Malnourished and on deaths door.   
Alex felt her legs give out when she saw them bring her in out of the ambulance. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to make it out. To fly away. Be free for both of them. In then end she just ended up condemning the girl for a fate worse than death. Another person she tried to save was now worse off because of her. She couldn’t save Yuki, she couldn’t save Albert, she couldn’t even save herself. The only thing she could do was sit beside Lucy and apologize.   
She was unconscious. Oxygen mask covering her face. Her thin body was almost a skeleton. She needed surgery but was too weak. IV drips in both arms. The beeping of a heart monitor in the background.   
“I should have gone with you. Then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”   
She knows Lucy can’t really hear her or respond.   
“ I wish I could put my hands around his neck. No it wouldn’t be enough. “She sighs. “ I wish I still had my torture rooms from the island. Make him suffer.”   
Claire walks down the hospital hallway. Barry had told her everything. She stops outside the door. So may questions and only she can answer.   
“I’m sorry” she hears a voice.  
“You said you wanted to leave here. I thought I did the right thing.”   
Claire pauses with her hand on the doorframe. Doesn’t want to interrupt.   
“I really did try to do the right thing.” The realization hit’s her.” For the first time in my life. I just wanted to something good for someone else. And look what it got us.”   
She shakes her head.   
“I should have been selfish. I should have left with you. Then maybe things would have worked out differently. This is all because I thought I could save someone. I’m sorry. You were so nice to me. And I couldn’t even do anything nice for you in return. “   
Claire feels an ache in her chest. Pulls away from the door. She would ask her questions later. They have prepared a room for Natalia to stay in. it didn’t look like she would be leaving her friend any time soon. Claire decided to stay over at Barry’s place. Leaving her alone didn’t seem to be dangerous. The hospital staff would look after her for the night.   
Alex wasn’t sure what time it was. Only that it was dark. Lost in her head. She leaves the room. Says she is going for a walk. Needs fresh air. She really does. It feels like she will suffocate in that room. but the cold outside air isn’t much better. She doesn’t know what she feels. Defeated, drained. Completely hopeless. She repeats the phrase she said so many times. “There may be an infinite amount of hope in the universe but not for us. Not for me”   
Her legs just keep on walking. Taking her away from the hospital.


	13. Fall of the House of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author of this work does not support suicide or suicidal behaviour. If you are strugling with these thoughts please seek help.

Chapter 13 Fall of the House of Death  
„Stood in the face of the grim death  
Screaming monsters bring me to deafness  
My dagger and swagger are useless in the face of the mirror  
When the mirror is made of my face  
This is the house of death  
Where even angels die in arms of demons“- Fall of the Douse of Death, Marilyn Manson

It hurts. Just a lump of pain stuck in her throat. Slowly expanding. Making it hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to feel anything else but this emptiness. She felt it before and it was one of the most terrifying feelings. Feeling so numb you can’t even feel afraid. She felt it when she heard of his death. But even then she could grieve, she could cry. Now she couldn’t even do that. She just felt that emptiness inside her expand. Slowly swallow her up. Like an abyss opening inside her. She doesn’t seen the road. Eyes unfocused. A car nearly hits her but she hardly cares. Death would be preferable to this.  
A can hits the lampposts. Did she kick it? Doesn’t know. Didn’t notice it. Or anything for the past who knows how long .She isn’t sure how long it lasted or how far she has walked. But it seems to get a little bit lighter in her chest. Like the crushing feeling has been startled away by the tin can.  
It’s cold. She is suddenly aware of it. Her jacket, she left it back at the hospital. Her phone as well. It was only supposed to be a short walk. Yet she found herself in an unfamiliar part of town. It was an alley between two brick buildings. Factories? Warehouses? She wasn’t sure. It looked unfamiliar. There was a light of a cigarette in the dark corner. Somebody was there. She isn’t afraid. Moves closer. He doesn’t seem to notice her. In the dim light of the lamp nearby she can see him. Auburn hair cover the face. Dark grey jacket with. She recognizes him.  
“Eliot?”  
He looks at her, from where he is leaning against the wall.  
“Natalia?!” he is clearly surprised to see her.  
She smells alcohol and something else, it’s not regular cigarettes he’s been smoking. It smells a little sweet.  
“What bring you to this part of town?” He asks shifting.  
“I could ask you the same.”  
He moves closer to the light. A bottle in one hand.  
“I work here. Well not here, here. I just found a cheap place nearby to crash. Your turn”  
He sit down on the stair leading up to one of the doors.  
“I seem to be a little lost.” She admitted.  
“This isn’t a good place to get lost in.”  
“I figured as much” she takes a seat next to him. “Lucy’s in the hospital.”  
The crushing feeling threatens to comeback. She doesn’t want it to. Doesn’t want to get swallowed up again. Wants to feel something else. Anything else.  
“So, I’ve heard. I always knew Hoffman was a bastard but never thought he could do something like this. Damn. Now I wish I pushed back against him more.” He puts the cigarette to his lips. Takes a drag.  
She rubs her hands over her exposed arms trying to get some warmth. He seems to notice. Takes of his jacket, puts over her shoulders.  
“What are you doing here?” He questions again.  
She gives him a devious smile.  
“Looking for a distraction.”  
She snatches away the cigarette. Puts it to her lips. Eliot seems to be freaking out.  
“Hey that’s not.. a good idea.”  
She takes a drag, exhales the smoke. It not something she’s done in long time. Once, when she was young. Because it was something everybody was doing.  
“What is this?” she asks coughing  
“It’s weed.” He admits with a guilty smile “don’t tell anyone.”  
She laughs. Smoking weed in a dark alley was not something she had ever expected to do. Yet here she was. At least it kept the devouring emptiness at bay. For now.  
“Don’t worry I won’t tell. After all, I’m just as guilty.” She take a drag again before handing it back to Elliot.  
He smiles a little.  
“This might be a better away to warm up.” He show the half drank bottle of rum.  
It’s the expensive kind. One she is certain he couldn’t afford.  
“Did you steal it?”  
“I may not look it. But the job pays well.” He says.  
“You do this on a work day?” She questions  
“I’m off today. It’s a night job. At the warehouse. Don’t have to work till tomorrow night. And the damn place has no heating. And you can’t smoke inside.”  
She takes the bottle. Takes a sip. It burns a little. But the warmth spreads. Eliot takes the bottle from her. Takes a swig. She feels her head begin to buzz. This body was not used to alcohol. Something she had forgotten.  
“Might wanna take it easy.” He says  
“ I know how to drink” She argues, takes the bottle from him.  
He looks at her as if he was trying to figure her out.  
“You know this isn’t quite what I meant when I said I was looking for distraction.” She hands the bottle back.  
He looks puzzled. It’s innocent. Almost cute.  
“But it’s a good start.”  
He smiles a little. She moves closer to him. Leans on him. He tenses. She feels the muscles of his arm through the hoodie he’s wearing. He turns to look her in the eyes. She touches his face. Pulls him down. She kisses him. He seems to catch on. Kiss back. He isn’t bad. He turns his body to make it more comfortable. She gets on his lap. Hands feeling him thought the fabric. Trying to get under, to feel skin. So long with nothing but memories. It didn’t even occur to her until now. How much she missed it. The feeling of warmth. Of skin. Of being close to someone. But now the desperation has taken over. She pushes him back a little. Deepens the kiss. He is pressed gains the rails of the stairs. She pulls the hoodie up, hands sliding over the material underneath and she groans in frustration. He pulls away for air. She doesn’t give him much time. Capturing him in another kiss. Her body does feel much warmer now. He takes her wrist, moves it to his waist. He sits up. Taller than her. Moves his arms around her, supports her. Leans her back a little. Kisses her on the lips briefly, moves down to her neck. Alex tangles one hand in his hair. Her skin tingling. She remembers being kissed like this, but it didn’t happen to the current her. This body has never been touched like this. Something that she had forgotten.  
He pushes the jacket back. Exposes her shoulder. Kisses where it meets the neck. For a teenage boy he is definitely experienced. Something she never would have guessed about him. He moves to unbutton the thin vest she’s got on. Looks a little surprised seeing that she isn’t wearing a bra. Nipples hard from the cold and arousal. He touches her thought the t-shirt, squeezing her breasts, kissing her again.  
Light snow begins to fall. They don’t seem to notice. She feels heat pooling between her legs. Wraps her legs around him. Pulls him down top of her. Laying on the metal step, his jacked on her back. He looks down at her. Breathless. Hair messy. Smiles.  
“Inside might better for this.” He says.  
It comes as a surprise but he lifts her. Arms around her. Supporting her back. With her legs still around him. She never knew him to be this strong. Into the building, that seems to a factory. In the dark, he knows the way. Up some stairs. A hallway. Into a dark room. Shuts the door with a kick. Places her down on something soft. Too close to the ground to be a bed. No light in the room. She hears him undress. Sees the white shirt in the dark. He had taken off his hoodie. She wants to see, wants to touch. But he is out of reach.  
There is a sound of a match and a small light. Then he lights the candle. She can see his muscular build. The tank top exposes his arms and chest. He looks at her. She runs her eyes along his body. Expression on her face one of pure hunger. He smiles, reaches into his pocket.  
“Shit. I know I had one somewhere. In my other pants?”  
He is looking around frantically in his pockets. She is confused for a moment. Realizes. Smiles. The sentiment is almost cute.  
“You won’t need that with me” she says.  
“Are you sure cuz. I...”  
She gives him a look. Commanding. Stern. Yet full of want.  
“Alright then. “  
He kisses her again. Moves her t-shirt up, pulls it over her head. Kisses her exposed breast, her stomach. She rocks against him, desperate to feel touch somewhere else. Hopes he picks up on it. He seems to. Unzips her pants. Moves them down. Hands running across her thighs. Up to her lacey underwear. He touches her through the material. Silk sliding across heated flesh makes her cry out. He is driving her crazy. She takes control. Flips him on his back. He was caught off guard. She pulls the tank top of. Runs her hands down his chest, feeling his muscles. Savors the anticipation. Undoes his pants. No underwear. A little surprised he is only half hard after all this. He observes her. She doesn’t care. Slides her underwear down. Moves her finger to touch the wetness. He takes a sharp breath. Her hand is now slick, hot. She takes him, strokes him, hears his breath quicken. With her other hand she touches herself, light teasing touches.  
“Fuck, Natalia where did..”  
“No talking” she interrupts him. tone strict.  
He keeps quiet. She positions herself above him. Takes him in, slowly. Then she feels it. Something inside tense and break. Another thing she had forgotten about. He must have felt it too. She feels him sit up. Feels his arms holding her to his chest. He kisses her again. Pushes her down on the mattress. She wants to tell him that she is fine. That it doesn’t matter. She bites his lip, not enough to draw blood, but hard. He returns the favor, hand moving down to tease her. She rocks against his fingers still just as desperate.  
“I’m not some frail little princess.” She breathes.  
He nods. Doesn’t say a word, like she ordered. She feels him enter her again. It hurts a little but she doesn’t care. She digs her nails into his back. He seems to get the hint. Moving faster. She keeps one hand around him, the other touching herself in time with his thrust. She feels the orgasm building. The feeling is familiar, yet new. It’s strange, overwhelming. This body has never experienced it. Yet she remembers it so well. All the past, the present, all the misery fade away. Stop to exist for a moment. She feels free, like she could float. She comes for the first time. Eliot soon follows. 

Smoke swirls. This place. She has been here before. Reaches out her hand into the mist. Call out.  
“Albert?!”  
Sees a figure. They turn towards her. The room comes into focus. But is not Albert that she sees.  
“You!”  
The old man looks at her.  
“So, you live. While I have perished.”  
She wanted to see Albert not Spencer. But she remembers Albert’s words. “ I can’t see you anymore”.  
“Why are you here?!”  
She doesn’t want to see him. This must be a nightmare.  
“Because there is something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time. “  
There is a strange tone in his voice. One she has never hear before.  
“ I always thought of you.. I always loved you as a daughter.”  
Alex flies into a rage.  
“Daughter? Love? You don’t know the meaning of it. And please..! We both know you loved Albert more. But I was the one who truly loved him! More than you ever could.”  
She doesn’t need this. Doesn’t want this. Doesn’t want to hear this cruel old man lie to her again.  
Spencer shakes his head.  
“Yes, I admired Albert. But I admired you more.”  
She looks at him in disbelief.  
“You reminded me of myself.” His voice is strangely sincere. “No matter how many times you failed. How impossible of a task I gave you. You always found a way to make it real. To endure and move forward.”  
She has no words. Just shakes her head in disbelief.  
“I know what it’s like.” He says. “To fail. To struggle. I was a failure once too. That is why I always like you better. Albert never struggled. He was a genius. Somebody who got it right all the time. Without effort. Without struggle. I couldn’t understand him. He was already perfect. But you were like a gem, a diamond that needed to be polished. So I pushed you. For your own good. ”  
She feels tears of repressed anger beginning to roll down.  
“ You took everything away from me” her voice is just a whisper. “If you think that I’ll forgive you…”  
“I’m not here to ask for forgiveness.” Spencer says. “ I realize it’s far too late for it. I can’t give you back what I took from you. “  
“You took away my family! My life! You poisoned me! You made me a monster!”  
“I am sorry.” He says. “For your own sake ... I want you to do something this old man never could. “  
She waits for it. Become god? Rule the world? Achieve immortality?  
“I want you to be happy. “  
She is speechless, half wondering if she heard it right.  
“Be happy in this new life. You deserve it. That is my only wish for you.” He says.  
She doesn’t know what to say. Another wave of tears begins to spill from her eyes.  
A door appears in the wall. It is bright red.  
“My time has come.” He says. “ I will trouble you no more. Goodbye.”  
He opens the door. She can see flashes of fire. There is a sound of screams coming from beyond. Spencer walks through it. Disappears. 

Alex awakens. The feeling of emptiness has been replaced by a kind of sorrow and guilt. She gets of the mattress. The cover sliding down her still naked body. She is alone. It’s cold but she doesn’t care. The room looks like an office that somebody was trying to renovate into a living space. There is one other door, leading to what she believes to be the bathroom. Thankfully it comes with a shower.  
Looking at herself in the mirror. Hair messy. Eyeliner running down her face. She realizes she had been crying. Why did Spencer’s words hurt so much? “I want you to be happy.” It made the emptiness inside her chest throb painfully. Be happy? How could she possibly do that?  
The water is not hot but at least not ice cold. But to her it doesn’t matter anymore. She feels numb. At least a sense of clarity is back. The reality kicks in, the hospital. Lucy. She left her phone. They could be looking for her.  
She dries herself off. Gets dressed. She needs to go back. Eliot returns. With two paper cups of what smells like coffee and a paper bag.  
“Hey. I got some breakfast.”  
“What time is it?” she is almost afraid of hearing the answer.  
“uh.. “ he looks at his phone.” 6.30 AM”  
Earlier than she expected it to be. Winter mornings are always long and dark. She calms down a bit. He hands her a cup of coffee.  
“Sorry I didn’t know what you like.”  
She takes a sip.  
“Black is fine.”  
She takes a croissant from the bag and takes a bite. Not really hungry.  
“Do you think you could give me a ride to the hospital? “she asks.  
“Sure. You wanna go right now?”  
She nods.  
“I was supposed to stay the night. I left my phone there. If anything happened overnight …”  
He bows his head.  
“Right. Lucy. …I’ll go warm up the car.” 

The ride back is quiet. Almost uncomfortable. They get to the hospital easily, the streets are nearly empty.  
“Last night was nice” she says, more to be polite than anything. “But don’t take it the wrong way. I doesn’t mean anything. It was just a  
“A distraction.” He finishes for her. “I got it.”  
He doesn’t seem upset about it. Almost like he is used to it. They go their separate ways.  
She goes back to the room where Lucy was. The room is empty. The bed is gone. She feels the ground beneath her open up and it’s like she is falling into the abyss. It can no longer fit inside her. It’s too big. It has swallowed her whole. She should have stayed here. She should have been there in those final moments instead getting some cheap thrills with Eliot.  
Somebody walks into the room. She doesn’t react. Frozen in place.  
“Natalia?” Claire calls out.  
She doesn’t turn around.  
“Where were you?”  
“Where’s Lucy?” the question is almost too hard to ask.  
“The doctors said that her health took a turn for the worse in the night. They are preparing her for surgery.”  
So Lucy wasn’t dead. Well not yet. But in her condition, will she make it? The doctors didn’t want to operate because she was too weak. It’s only been hours. She didn’t dare hope. Hope was pointless. It will only hurt more when she doesn’t survive. Just like everyone else in her life, this girl will soon be gone. Like Albert, like that annoying stupid Frenchman, like Annett and William, like everyone and everything she knew. After all “The meaning of life is that it stops.” It’s a quote she used to repeat to herself often. Believing that it would make her not afraid of death. But in the end, when time came she was so afraid. Clung to life. Dragged herself back to the broken body and ruined everything for herself. If only her other self would have had the decency to die when she was supposed to. But now it was all in ruins. No future. No plan. No hope. Only misery. And she wonders why she is still here? 

Why is she still here after she had so miserably failed at everything? She was always a failure. Since the start. She failed to save Yuki. Her research into T-phobos was a dead end. Her life’s work was nothing. She ruined Albert’s masterpiece in her own delusions. She couldn’t accomplish anything. Except that one thing, that shouldn’t have worked. But it did. And now she was here. Stuck being alive. Simply to relive all the mistakes of her past once more. To fail again. She should have died and stayed dead. If only she had let her illness finish her off. She won’t make the same mistake twice.  
“Natalia!” Barry’s voice calls out to her.  
Sitting there in the waiting room outside the operation room. Claire had gone somewhere. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered anymore.  
“I’m not your Natalia.” She says.  
He looks at her confused.  
“Haven’t you figured it out yet, Burton?”  
His eyes go wide.  
“Wesker!”  
There is anger in his voice. It makes feel oddly happy. Happy that he still hates her. Perhaps enough to kill her.  
“Yes, it’s me” She turns, faces him. Smiles smugly.  
One last performance.  
“It’s been me since the forest. You are so slow to catch on. And I gave you plenty of opportunities.”  
“What did you do to Natalia?”  
“She’s dead” she says it because she knows it will anger him more.  
Barry reaches for his gun only to be reminded that he is in a hospital in his civilian clothes and his guns are at home. The expression of rage and heartbreak on his face. One more push and he will break.  
“Well? If you’re going to kill me, do it. I do miss my brother. I wish to be reunited with him.”  
Barry lunges at her. She feels his weight upon her body. A punch sending her to the ground. Hands around her neck. 

„Hide your heart in your gut, but for what?  
When they're waiting to pull you apart  
Like a scarecrow on death row  
So now, all of your secrets are shown  
This is the house of death  
Where even angels die in arms of demons  
This is the house of death  
Where even angels die in arms of demons  
No one is exempt from the odds of even“


	14. Letter from Lost Days

“A letter to my future self  
Am I still happy, I began  
Have I grown more pretty  
Is Daddy still a good man  
Am I still friends with Colleen  
I'm sure that I'm still laughing, aren't I, aren't I  
Hey there to my future self  
If you forget how to smile  
I have this to tell you  
Remember it once in a while  
Ten years ago your past self  
Prayed for your happiness  
Please don't lose hope  
Oh, oh what a pair me and you  
Put here to feel joy, not be blue  
Sad times and bad times see them through  
Soon we will know if it's for real what we both feel” Letter- from the Lost Days, Akira Yamaoka 

“You’ll pay for this She-Wesker!.   
“Barry!” Claire sees him choking Natalia.   
“It’s Wesker!” he cries out.   
Some of the hospital staff scream. People are gathering around. Alex feels the lack of air making her head spin. Just a little longer. She closes her eyes. Yearns. “Albert, I’m coming”. Her consciousness slowly drifts.   
They pull Barry off her. Medics rush to the scene. Claire and Moira are arguing with Barry. People are panicking. Somebody called the police.   
Alex wakes up in a bed. Alive. Her neck hurts. Throat feels tight. IV in her left arm. It’s dark. She is alone. She buries her face in the pillow and screams despite the pain. 

The meeting to decide what to do seems to be going nowhere. Barry is irrational. Claire feels uncertain.   
“Why now?” She asks. “If she’s been here the whole time”   
“It’s all part of her sick game” Barry says, still angry, still hurt.   
“Speaking of sick. Did you have to choke her in the middle of a fucking hospital?” Moira yells  
“What was supposed to do?!” He gets up from his chair. “She killed Natalia!”   
“I’m not so sure about that” Dr. Haupman speaks up. “First of all, it impossible for her to do that without directly ending her own life as well. Second, I think the two have somehow merged into one being that is neither completely Natalia, neither completely Dr. Wesker.”   
“And you’re basing this on?” Claire asks  
“Just some observations I’ve made during our sessions.”   
“Like what.”   
“She answers most questions the same way Natalia would but sometimes there is something else. You’ve noticed it too, no doubt.”   
Claire looks at Barry who is still arguing with Moira. Thinks back.   
“I’m not sure I noticed. Perhaps we wouldn’t be here if someone did.”   
“No, we certainly would not.” Dr. Haupman agrees. 

She looks over the report and hands it to Moira. They are on their way to the hospital. Alex was awake.   
“She provoked him.” Claire says.   
“But why? What the point?” Moira questions.   
“I don’t know. “ Claire says. “ but there’s something. If’ it’s really been her the whole time. She could have ran with Lucy. She could have killed us in our sleep. But she didn’t.”   
“Maybe it’s like Dr. Haupman said. Maybe she is still part Natalia. And Natalia would never do that.”Moira says.   
“Back on that island. We never did get all the answers. Maybe we could get her to talk now.”   
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Moira says.  
“I don’t know. It’s just bothering me. That night they brought Lucy in. I’ve heard her talking to her. She seemed really upset that Lucy got hurt. But I just can’t believe that being the Overseer.”   
“Because it makes her seem like a human?” Moira says  
Claire stops in the parking lot. The words sting.   
“Yeah. I guess I can understand how Chris feels. A little bit anyways. “ 

Claire enters the room. It’s hard not to think of the girl in front of her as Natalia. The guards outside say that all has been quiet. She hasn’t tried to escape. Hasn’t even tried to leave the room. There is a plate on uneaten food. A pitcher of water and a glass that hasn’t been used. She is facing the wall, back to the door. Claire pulls the chair to the bed, sits.   
Alex hears the door open. Doesn’t move. The nurse had brought her breakfast. She didn’t feel like eating. She waited for the woman to leave hopping to grab a knife but to her disappointment the utensils were plastic. She remained in bed, wondering what they will do to her now. Was death still an option? Will they simply lock her up in some high security prison? Turn her into and experiment to understand her work? If she pleaded guilty and begged for the death sentence would they grant it?   
It had taken a moment to realize the person the room wasn’t leaving. It wasn’t the nurse from before, it was somebody else. She couldn’t let them see her face. Stained with tears. She would not show weakness to them.   
“You awake, Overseer?” Claire has a feeling she is just pretending to be asleep.   
Alex composes herself. Doesn’t turn to face her.   
“Redfield.” She acknowledges, her voice coarse.   
“So it really is you. “ Claire sighs.   
Alex tries laughing but it hurts.   
“Still don’t believe it?”   
“This doesn’t make sense” Claire says “Why now? What do you want?”   
She gives the answer. The same answer. The only answer.   
“To escape.”   
Claire remembers. The image flash before her eyes. The gun shot .The blood on the glass. Escape. That’s what she had called it. Barry pining her to ground. Choking her. Escape. Claire shakes her head. Leaves. Somehow it hurts inside her chest. In the bathroom she splashes cold water on her face. She realizes at that moment she is not like Chris. She could never be. She doesn’t want to be.   
She can’t go back into that room. Even if she knows she should. Moira sits beside her.   
“Do you hate her that much?” Moira asks.   
“What? No. I just can’t go in there. I can’t explain it. “Claire says.   
“Want me to give it a try?”   
“Do you hate her, Moira?”   
Moira is quiet for a moment.   
“I don’t know. I think I should but Natalia has been part of the family. And if it’s been more than just her than…. It’s weird. Too weird.”   
“Yeah. I know. “Claire says. 

Eventually she does go back into the room. Little has changed. Another plate of uneaten food. But now it’s dark. The light was off. Claire moves to the bedside to turn it on.   
“Don’t.” Comes a voice from the bed.   
She stops. Takes a seat in the chair from earlier. Not seeing her face is actually better. She can imagine the same woman from back then.   
“Feel like talking now?”   
Alex is sitting up in the bed. Face obscured by shadow.   
“What will you do with me?” She asks.   
“They are still deciding on that.” Claire says.   
“You should have let him kill me and spared yourself the trouble.”   
Claire stares into the darkness in disbelief. She sees the same woman, putting a gun to her head and pulling the trigger. She closes her eyes, tries to block the image.   
“Is it true? Did you really kill Natalia?”   
“So what if I did?” Her voice is taunting.  
“You didn’t.” Claire says. “You can’t.”   
“And how would you know that?”   
“Dr. Haupman seems to think so. I think so too.”   
Alex says nothing.   
“You could have left with Lucy. If you want to escape, why didn’t you?” Claire questions.   
Alex thinks for a moment. Wonders if she should answer. She doesn’t know why. She had been asking herself the same question.  
“And I thought you liked talking.” Claire attempts to tease her.   
The woman talking through the bracelets sure seemed to. Talking in riddles and quotes. But it didn’t feel like the same person. It didn’t feel like Natalia either.   
“I don’t know” she finally says.   
Claire seems to consider her words.   
“So what was your plan? To rule the world? To destroy it?”   
Alex is silent once again. There never was a plan. The technology was an experiment. One that shouldn’t have worked. How she wishes she had simply died after pulling the trigger. Tears sting her eyes. But she won’t let them fall. Even concealed by the darkness she won’t cry in front the enemy.   
Claire feels like the conversation won’t get her anywhere. But perhaps she isn’t asking the right questions. Perhaps Moira would be better at this after all. She knew how to talk to people. Claire gets up leaves. Once the door closes Alex feels the tears begin to fall. The window has bars. Jumping out is impossible. Making a rope out of the bedsheets was an option. But there was nowhere to hang it. The sink was too small to put her head underwater. She wanted to escape this pain, this hopelessness. Waiting for whatever sentence they decided on seemed like torture. But waiting was all she could do. She had failed to die once again. Or perhaps she was dead, perhaps this was hell. Stuck here forever. Reliving her failures for the rest of time, alone. Without him. It did seem like hell. “Abandon all hope” was engraved on the gates of hell according to Alighieri. but she had never had any to begin with. 

Claire stayed up all night thinking. Sleep found her in the early morning. A phone call woke her just few hours later. Disoriented she picked up the phone.   
Another drive to the hospital. This time without Moira. Nothing has changed. A new plate of food gone cold on the table. She is looking out the window. Claire is not sure if the girl was even aware that she came in.   
“You should eat.” She tries.   
No reply comes. Claire feels uncertain.   
“Well. Lucy has had a successful surgery. They say she’s recovering well.”   
Silence.   
“The council has finally agreed on what to do.”   
She moves, looks at her. So she had been listening after all.   
“Considering everything that happened. You will no longer be staying with the Burtons. Instead, you’ll be staying with me. “   
Claire still questioned her own decision to volunteer.  
“You’re allowed to go to school and sessions with Dr. Haupman. You have a curfew. You have to be home before eight. No overnight stays anywhere. “   
Alex wonders where the trap is.   
“Consider yourself lucky. The child protection services got involved. Natalia is only 15.”   
“And what do you plan to do when that is no longer the case? Toss me into some prison? Lock me up and throw away the key? Turn me into some science experiment?”   
“The council will decide that, when the time comes. “Claire says.   
“You expect me to sit and wait?” Alex wonders.   
“I’ll be keeping a close eyes on you. Don’t worry about that”.  
She remains silent. Living with Redfield. Almost ironic. But it doesn’t matter. Once she is out of the hospital she can find something to end her live with. Just a little bit more and this will all be over. Unless she wakes up in the same room once more. A terrifying thought. She hopes that the third time will do it for good.

It is a strange place. But she vaguely remembers seeing it before. Black and white. There were two once. Now there are three. Her old self, white against the black, Natalia in her black clothes surrounded by white. And now her. Alex with her half red hair, black and white clothes and grey all around her. It’s surprising. Looking at her old self. She could understand Natalia being there, but her old self?  
“You are free, that is why you are lost.” Her old self holds a book.   
“I wouldn’t call it freedom! “She spits at the woman.   
“No, you wouldn’t. You like your chains too much.”   
“You think I like being this miserable?! I don’t. And most of it your fault!”   
She realizes she is talking to herself ,in a weird way.   
“It my fault.” She corrects herself.   
“You mean it’s our fault” the woman says.  
“I doesn’t matter because I am you.”   
“Not quite.”   
“What do you mean?” Alex is confused now.   
“I’ll tell her. “ Natalia says.   
“Go ahead” the old Alex agrees.   
“Well, for a start. You are you. “Natalia says.   
“Not me and not her” she points to the other Alex.   
“But...” Alex wants to argue.   
“You are a little bit me.” Natalia says.” And maybe more like her. But ultimately you are you.”   
“Alright.” She still doesn’t understand.   
She had placed a copy of her own consciousness into Natalia. A copy of herself, her memories. That was all. It was her and Natalia. But now there was three of them. She was her own person? But that was impossible.   
“You still don’t get it.” The other Alex pick up on it.   
“No, not really.”   
“That’s fine. However one thing that isn’t fine is you making decisions on our behalf.”   
“Decisions on your behalf?”   
“That’s right” Natalia says.” You know we could just replace you.”   
She didn’t consider it. Natalia could just take back control? Could she really?   
“To put it simply, darling” Alex says, hand on her hip,” We like to exist. But it just so happens that the three of us share a body. Do you get it now?”   
Slowly she begins to understand.   
“You don’t want me to die? Well then you are welcome to take this body away from me at any time.” she feels bold, taunting them.   
“I would love to see what happens when you take over. “ She points to her other version.   
“Believe me, you wouldn’t” She says.   
“Oh I don’t know about that. I mean it wouldn’t be any different from now. “   
Alex just smirks at her.   
Her eyes open. She isn’t in bed. To her own surprise. She is in the small bathroom. And it’s not her. She touches a hand to her face. It is her, like she used to be. The original Alex, before she died. But then she notices Natalia sitting on the bed. And in the corner of the mirror herself. With her red hair and hospital nightgown. She is only seeing from the eyes. She is still in bed. Seeing from the eyes of her other self. It is strange. Terrifying. Alex walks over to her.   
“Remember. We’ll be watching”  
She blinks. They are gone. She wonders if this was a dream or a hallucination. But it was too strange. It was something she needed to study. After all, what she did was never done before. Transferring a consciousness of a person into another person. This could be a side effect. But then there should still only be two of them. Why were there 3? Why was she her own person according to the two? But her technology was mostly destroyed when the tower exploded. She could remake it but she would need money and a place. That would never happen. Now that she had revealed herself. Why didn’t Natalia just take back control? That would have fixed things so easily.   
The doctors are perplexed. The bruise on her neck that was there in the morning is gone. It has healed. She wonders if it was the virus. But why had only activated now? She knew she couldn’t get sick. Most of her injuries healed fast but not instantly. This was something different. Whatever was going on here was a lot more complicated than she had assumed.   
The move to Claire’s apartment was quiet. Moira had already packed things from her room. Cid had grown quite happy with the life at the Burtons. So he would remain there. She heard that Lucy was recovering after her surgery. Another one was waiting for her next week. But she didn’t care much. She would be stuck with Claire. Still mistrustful. Believing that she was being taken to a prison. Up until the point the car stopped in front of an apartment complex.   
The room was about the same size as the one at Burtons. But this was not a child’s room. It was plain. A bed, a wardrobe, a desk with a chair, beside table by the bed and a lamp. It almost reminded her of the room in the orphanage. But it wasn’t that clean, hospital whiteness. The walls were cream colored, the carpet was a deep forest green. The curtains were pastel crimson.   
Claire had rented this place to keep an eye on Natalia when she could. Claire’s room was right next to hers. The living room was large and connected to the kitchen. Only one bathroom. The windows opened up to the city. It was familiar sight. One that reminded her of a different city. Raccoon.   
She said nothing. Went to her room and began unpacking. Claire was still trying to wrap her head around it.   
“To be honest I was also surprised when you volunteered to take her.” Moira said.   
“I know. I just. It’s strange. I need to figure this out. “Claire said.   
“Yeah. We all do.” Moira said.   
“I’ve been trying to find out things. But it causes more questions than answers. The B.S.A.A. even send some files from their archives but there just isn’t anything.” She sighs.   
“What are you trying to learn?”   
“Anything.” Claire admits” there is no info. Aside from what we know. The island in the Baltics. T-Phobos experiments. Spencer’s private facility on Sonido de Tortuga, the research there. But it doesn’t really explain anything. “  
“Yeah. Umbrella sure loved their secrets. What about the stuff B.S.A.A sent you?”   
“Nothing much. Just a lot of cryptic stuff. Something that has almost no data on it besides a name. The Wesker project ,whatever that was.”  
“You could just as her.” Moira says.   
“Be my guest. Maybe you can make her talk.” Claire says.  
Moira sighs.   
“You want to interrogate her. I said, try talking.”  
Claire looks confused.  
“All right I’ll try it. “She agrees. 

Alex notices the dark-haired woman enter the room. She pauses her unpacking.   
“What do you want, Burton?”   
“My name is Moira. And I just wanna talk.”   
Alex says nothing. Thinks for a moment.  
“We have nothing to talk about.”   
“I don’t know. You and Lucy seemed to get along just fine.”  
“Well we didn’t. Ever heard of pretending?” she keeps her tone cold.  
“You’re still hiding behind that glass.”  
Her words take her by surprise. Moira looks her in the eyes. Alex turns her gaze away. Pulls herself together. Takes a step forward.   
“I’m not hiding. There is no glass here. You said you wanted to choke me. Well I’m right here. Go ahead. Let’s see if you do a better job than you daddy.”   
Moira recoils. Takes a step back. And Alex knows she’s hit the nail on the head.   
“You know what meant.” Moira says leaving.   
She does but she won’t admit it. It was a way to protect herself. A wall of transparency, honesty, glass, but still a wall. She chose what to show and to whom. She spoke in riddles to them. Told them the truth in her own enigmatic ways. To her colleagues in Umbrella she was a quiet hard working girl. To her subordinates on the island she was charismatic, manipulative. Albert was the only one she ever let in. Most people never noticed the wall. Believed what she showed them. It being transparent, invisible. She never expected the Burton’s girl to be the one who caught on.  
“Well, how did it go?” Claire wonders.   
“Not great.” Moira admits.   
“She said something to hurt you?” Claire can hear the restrained anger in her voice.   
“I’m fine.” She says. “It’s just... This will be hard. Maybe we should ask Dr. Haupman for some tips. “   
“Not a bad idea.” 

In all the commotion they had almost forgot it was Christmas season. The school had closed down for an early break after the outbreak. Alex was confident no one would find her secret lab. She made sure to pack up the equipment and hide it. Destroyed the evidence of the work she had done there. Even if they found it, suspected it, there was nothing that could lead them back to her. Except for Elliot. But she had a feeling he would keep his mouth shut. After all he was involved in it. He helped her.   
She needed to analyze whatever was going on with her. But it was too risky to keep notes. She did have her computer but knew Redfield could hack. It just wasn’t safe. But she needed to do something. School was out. Staying in her room for weeks was going to drive her crazy. Of course no one thought about grabbing her books along with the other stuff. Why would they? These people never cared for her. They would rather see her dead. She was alive, only because the laws said she was too young. Once she turned 18, they could do whatever they saw fit. Two and a half years was all she had. It seemed like forever. Another two years of this. She couldn’t take it. But she was afraid. What if the strange dream was more than a dream? If the other two halves of her really did take away her control? But maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much then. Being just a passive observer inside Natalia’s head wasn’t so bad. Now she wished she could go back.


	15. Disarm

Chapter 15 Disarm   
“Disarm you with a smile  
And leave you like they left me here  
To wither in denial  
The bitterness of one who's left alone  
Ooh, the years burn  
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn  
I used to be a little boy  
So old in my shoes  
And what I choose is my voice  
What's a boy supposed to do?  
The killer in me is the killer in you”- Disarm, Smashing Pumpkins

“What can I help you with, Claire” Dr. Haupman looks up at the redhead, gestures for her to take a seat.   
Claire is uncertain. But she feels like she is out of options.   
“I wanted to talk to you about Nat… Alex” calling the woman by her name feels strange.  
“Well, I will do what I can to help, under strict patient confidentiality of course. “  
“Of course.” Claire sighs.   
“What did you want to talk about?”   
“Honestly I don’t even know where to begin. I need answers. But she won’t talk to me. Or Moira.”   
The doctor leans back in his chair.   
“Now, how do you feel about Dr. Wesker?”   
“How do I feel about her? Why does it matter?”   
“It matters because the way you feel about someone often effect the way you interact with them. Do you hate her?”   
Claire shakes her head.   
“I don’t think so. I know a lot of people I knew died because of her but I want to understand why. I know about her work, her experiments but it doesn’t really explain it.”   
“In other words you want to understand her. Am I correct?”   
“I guess I do.” Claire is surprised by this.   
“That is admirable. But the path to understanding someone is a long and difficult one. But paths are made by walking. A quote from Kafka.”   
“What does Kafka have to do with it?”   
“Dr. Wesker if I recall seemed be quite fond of his work.”   
“The strange quotes she would throw at us?”   
“People often read books that they can identify with. “ Dr. Haupman says. “ Do you read, Claire?”   
“Mostly news and magazines.” She says.   
“It shows that you are ground in the present. Good to be interested in current global events but it also shows that you lack imagination. “   
Claire isn’t sure how to take this.   
“A book can be many things. To some it is a way to feel understood. To know one’s self or simply to escape the harshness of ones reality into a world of fiction.”   
“Escape… that’s what she said. In the tower before she. “Claire closes her eyes, tries to block it out.   
“Was that the first time you witnessed somebody take their own life?”   
She just nods.   
“She said it again in the hospital.”   
“It’s perfectly normal to be disturbed by what you witnessed.”   
She nods again.   
“Now. I wanted to show you this.” He puts the drawing in front of her.   
Claire looks at it. it’s detailed. The staircase looks just like the mansion. The same checker tiles. The man in the middle is clearly Spencer. The children in white that surround him.   
“This was supposed to be a drawing of family. “Dr. Haupman says. “Do you notice anything strange?”   
Claire scans it. Not sure what he means.   
“The boy and the girl holding hands. Is that her and Wesker?” She wonders.   
Dr. Haupman is quiet. Clearly this was not the answer. She looks again. Doesn’t see anything. He points his finger to the side. Almost unnoticeable.   
“There is another girl.” He says.   
Now she sees it. Dark hair, black eyes, black flowing down her face. She is the shadow of the stairs. Obscured. Her skin colored grey, blending in with the background. Claire look up at him.   
“There is more he says.”   
“What?” she says almost in disbelief.   
He points to the top of the drawing. The large window with stained glass. She has noticed the Umbrella logo. But that is not what he means. He turns the drawing upside down. What looked like frame or a fence now looks like graves.   
“What does this mean?” She asks.  
“One can only guess. Only Dr. Wesker knows the true meaning of this but I find this deeply unsettling.”   
“Anyone would, right? Still you must have some idea to what it means.”   
“Some kind of childhood trauma. Possibly related to the death of a sibling or love one.”   
“Come to think of it. Spencer never had any children. “Claire says looking at the picture. “But she did refer to him as father.”   
“Perhaps adoption then?” Dr. Haupman suggests.   
“Maybe. So this loss you spoke of. Could it be.. Her parents.”   
“That would be a reasonable assumption. “   
“And all these kids. Spencer adopted them? But it was only her and Albert left in the end. What happened to the rest?” She wonders.   
“To that I cannot answer for certain. “ He says.  
Claire has a sinking feeling that whatever it was, wasn’t good.   
“Come think of it, this started around the time Natalia met Lucy.” Claire says looking at the picture.” That girl looks a lot like Lucy. Could it be related?”   
“It is possible.” He says.” A situation similar to the one that was the cause of the trauma could act as trigger to many things. Change in behavior. Mental regression to the time when the trauma originally occurred. “   
“I see.” Claire recall the conversation she overheard.” She does care for Lucy, even if she denies it.”   
“Denial could be a form of defense. But I think there is more going on.”   
“She doesn’t trust us.” Claire says.   
“No, she does not. And would you trust her if your situations were reversed?”   
Claire thinks.   
“No. I guess I wouldn’t. But how can I get her trust me?”   
“Trust is something that takes a long time to establish and it need a lot of work. Show her that you care. Try to observer her, her habits, observation can reveal much about someone.”   
Claire wonders. It’s like their roles have been reversed.   
“Well I need to be going. Thank you for your time, doctor.”   
“It is my pleasure to be of help. Oh, and could you give her this.” He hands her a wrapped package. “ it was meant as a gift for Natalia.”   
“Sure.” Claire says.   
Gets in the car. Looks at the package. She had forgotten it’s Christmas. Moira was at Barry’s place celebrating. She stayed behind. Somebody had to look over Alex. Now she was slightly dreading to return home. Perhaps leaving her alone was not the best option. She opens the door. The apartment is dark. Small traces of light coming from under the door of the room. Claire opens the door. Alex is sitting at the desk writing something. Doesn’t even look at her. Claire walks in. Places the package on the table. She turns. Looks at it. Then up at her.   
“A present from Dr. Haupman.” Claire says.   
She looks over at what she’s doing. Looks like math equations. A text book open next to the notes.   
“You’re doing homework? But’s the holidays.”   
No response. Claire sighs. Leaves.   
Alex puts the pen down. At least it gave her something to focus on. And she did miss a lot of home and school work while working on her little project. She had waited for Claire to leave. It had to be quick and leave no traces. Examining the files on the table, making sure not to move them from their place. Most of it was about her. The Wesker project. So Redfield was looking into it. Now all her attempts at talking were making more sense. Now that she knew what the woman wanted she could avoid giving it to her even by accident. It was tempting to hack into her personal computer but she put is off until she had a program for it. Beside the door to her room was locked. She was cautious after all.   
Claire looks at the documents on the table. She had left them there. It was out of habit. She was used to being alone. She curses mentally. But even if Wesker saw them, she knew all this already. She opens the fridge, notices how empty it is. Claire never had to take care of anyone but herself, eating out when she saw fit. It occurred to her now- she wasn’t alone anymore. She closes the door.   
Alex unpacks the package. Just from the shape and weight she can guess what it is. The cover is white with a black cat on it. It’s not an author she’s ever read. But it gives her something to do, other than school homework. Claire enters the room with a cup in her hand. Notices that she has moved to the bed. Curled up in the corner with a book. Was that the gift? She tries to read the cover. Haruki Murakami. Places the cup on the bedside table. Notices her shift. She looks at Claire then at the cup.   
“I didn’t poison it, don’t worry. It’s hot chocolate. The kind my mom used to make.”   
She doesn’t move. Claire sighs.   
“I’m going to order take out. If there’s anything you want…”   
Alex hasn’t felt hungry in the past few days, but the feeling has started to return. The sweet smell of hot chocolate was a reminder that she was still human. Starving to death would be a long and painful death. She preferred her end to be quick.   
“Salad will be fine.”   
Claire almost smiles when she finally gives an answer. She still has so many questions to that woman but they will have to wait. She wasn’t like Dr. Haupman or her, didn’t know how to get into people’s heads. Didn’t like to sugar coat things. In many ways she was just like Chris. Rough, to the point. Some people would call her coldblooded. She didn’t panic in the face of danger, she didn’t freak out when people around her died. But deep down it still hurt. She had seen it so many times now. Sometimes she even wondered why she even bothered to have any friends. Every time they went on a mission she was half expecting them to not return. And it was even worse with him. He was her brother. But ever since Raccoon, no ever since the mansion he changed. He was not the same. There was something and she could feel it. After Africa it got even worse. It was Wesker. Always Wesker. He simply couldn’t accept that the man was dead. Chasing ghost across the world. She could feel him slipping away from her. She didn’t know how to help him. Not that he would let anyone help him. Not even Jill.   
It occurs to her then. They were brother and sister. Wesker was to Alex, what Chris was to her. She recall the image of the boy and girl holding hands in the drawing. It’s strange to think of her as a child. Imagine her, imagine him, the monster, as children. But they were once. She realizes something, though deep in her heart she had always felt it. He would die before her. She would outlive her brother. If it wasn’t some strange new bioweapon it would be the wounds and viruses in his body. It makes her heart ache. What if tomorrow she were to receive news of his death? She doesn’t want to think about it. What would she do? Continue his work, his fight?   
It was no fight they could win. She was starting to feel like it would never end. They had taken down Umbrella, but it was only replaced by thousands of smaller organizations. New viruses, new monsters, new Raccoon cities. Were they fated to die fighting a hopeless battle? Never achieving a victory? Never saving anyone? The people they saved only end up dying somewhere else. It all feels hopeless. Like despair is all they could ever hope accomplish? She might not have been aware of it but in that moment she was closest to understanding Alex she could ever be.   
This is the first time she really sees her as something more than the Overseer. What Dr. Haupman said ended up helping but not the way she expected it to. Now she felt miserable, thinking things she would rather not. The inevitability of losing Chris loomed over her. People die, it’s normal. It shouldn’t be scary, right? Alex had already lost her brother. Lost her family. Claire knew what that was like but she had Chris. He was there after their parents died. If he hadn’t been. She wasn’t sure what would have happened to her. Probably ending up in an orphanage and maybe getting adopted. Maybe that’s what happened to Wesker. It could have happened to her, Claire realizes. If someone like Spencer had adopted. She could have turned out the same way.   
The doorbell rings snapping her out her melancholy thoughts. The food has arrived.   
She wonders if she could convince Alex to come out of that room. But decides against it. Brings the food to her room. She doesn’t look up from the book. Too focused on whatever she’s reading. She places the food down on the bed side table, next to the empty cup. So she drank it after all, Claire thinks. Maybe it won’t be so bad. She leaves. Eats her pizza alone in the living room. Then prepares for bed. Goes in to check on her only to find her asleep. Open book next to her, still curled up in the corned. Claire put’s the blanket over her. Takes away the empty plate. Checks the door. Makes sure her keys are in her room. Locks her own door. It was a precaution measure set up for her. But Claire doesn’t feel like it’s necessary. Doesn’t think she would run even if she could get out. Even if she left her door unlocked, doubts she would try to kill her in her sleep. She had so many chances already.   
Alex wakes in the dark. Doesn’t remember where she is. Feels something on her. The dream had felt real. It was dark too. She finally manages to get one hand free, turns on the lamp. Remembers she’s in Redfield’s apartment. Notices the blanket covering her. It was something he used to for her. Whenever she spent hours working or reading and fell asleep. Nobody else ever bothered. Everyone else just left her alone. She would have never expected it to come from Redfield, but then she remembered the files. This was obviously a manipulation. A trick, to win her over. Did they really think she was that naïve?   
She goes over to the desk. It wasn’t just homework that she had been doing. It was cleverly hidden. Among the rows of equations were parts of her own calculations, her own work. It didn’t stand out much. She needed to know what was going on with her. Doing most of the calculations manually was a pain. A computer would have been really useful for this. But she was afraid Redfield would catch her. The possibility of her own consciousness splintering during or after the transfer had never even occurred. Now she had to rework the equation with that in mind. Figure out how likely it was. It was the only logical way to explain the third existence inside her. And she still wasn’t even sure if it really happened or not. Uploading her consciousness into a computer didn’t pose any problems. It must have been the human element that interfered. Natalia. 

Claire woke up after a night full of uneasy dreams. It was later than she thought. Dr. Haupman had wanted to speak to Alex himself. She quickly got dressed and went to get her. Alex was asleep, at some point she did change out of her clothes and go to bed properly. She looked peaceful. Claire was almost sorry to wake her. She placed a hand on her shoulder. The lightest touch of her fingers seemed to enough to wake her.   
“Hey. It’s okay. It’s just me.” Alex jumping awake gave her a scare.   
“Redfield?” it was only a dream, she began to realize.   
“You have an appointment with Dr. Haupman. “ Claire said.   
She says nothing. Gets out of bed, grabs her clothes and goes to the bathroom.   
The ride is quiet. Alex sits in the back. Away from her. 

Alex goes into the large room. Redfield walked her all the way to the door. It was embarrassing. She felt like she was being treated less than a prisoner and more like a child. She had never been treated like a child, even she was one.   
She sits on the large sofa. Inspects the man sitting across from her. He is handsome. Not young but not old. The blond hair neatly parted on the right, some short bags falling on his face, but they don’t obscure the eyes. A dark brown suit with dark red lines forming squares. It’s obviously expensive. A well matched white tie with red pattern on it. He has money and class. Someone who is above others. She knows how to spot people like that.   
“It is a pleasure to finally meet you, Dr. Wesker.” He addresses her. “I am Dr. Jozef Haupman.”   
“Yes. I know who you are. “   
“Now, why don’t we get to know each other a little better?”   
“I don’t need a psychiatrist. “ She says. “I understand it was your job to observe Natalia and any changes that might indicate my awakening. I’m here now. It’s over.”   
“Quite the contrary, Dr. Wesker. What you have accomplished is unimaginable. To transfer the mind of one into another. It hold incredible significance. “   
“You want to study me for your own benefits.”   
“Please, excuse my enthusiasm. I believe this could be beneficial for both of us.”   
“How?”   
“I have worked with the criminally insane for years. “He says.   
“Are you saying I’m a psychopath?”   
“Are you a psychopath, Dr. Wesker?”   
The way he smiles, acts so relaxed unsettles her.   
“Well, you’re the expert you tell me.”   
He smiles.   
“The general definition of a psychopath is someone who exhibits socially irresponsible behaviors, egocentricity, and lack of any remorse or empathy. Often highly intellectual, charismatic and manipulative. Have the tendency to lie and disregard law and the wellbeing of others”   
Alex swallows uncomfortably. He smiles again.   
“Does that make you uncomfortable?”   
She says nothing.   
“Just because a person exhibits some of these traits doesn’t immediately make them a psychopath. True psychopaths are rare. Most I’ve seen had a physical abnormality in their brain that made them unable to feel to human emotion. Something one is born with.”   
She keeps quiet. He is observant. Studying every reaction she gives.   
“I have worked on many cases with the F.B.I., the Interpol. I can help you, Dr. Wesker.” He says.   
“I don’t need your help. If I wanted to see a physiatrist I would have done so.”   
“Oh, I think you need all the help you can get. I can help you build a case.”   
“You want me to plead insanity?” She is shocked.   
“Perhaps your actions were not your own. Someone else was pushing you to do what you did.” He says.   
He is dangerous.   
“What do you want?” she needs to know what he gets out of all this.  
“I want to help you.” He says in that calm, polite voice” I want to be your friend.”   
Her friend? She doesn’t trust him. But what else can she do? Once Terrasave and the B.S.A.A. decide on what to do with her it might be too late. But this can also be a ploy to get her to confessing something that will be used against her in court. Is there even going to be a court. She doesn’t know.   
He can tell she is hesitating.   
“I only want to help you. I hope that you will come trust me. “   
She isn’t sure. She can’t trust him. Not until she knows what in it for him.   
“Now as part of the standard procedure I will ask you some questions. Please answer as truthfully as you can.”


	16. All Apologies

“I wish I was like you   
Easily amused  
Find my nest of salts   
Everything’s my fault  
I’ll take all the blame  
Aqua Sea Foam shame  
Sunburn freezer burn   
Choking on the ashes of her enemies” – All Apologies, Nirvana

She hates the visits to Dr. Haupman. Unsure if she can trust him. Even if he says he wants to help her. How is being locked up in some insane asylum any good for her? True, the man does have Terrasave and to some extent the B.S.A.A eating out of his hand. They believe anything he says. Any suggestion he makes. If he said she was under some mind control or something they would probably buy into it. At least some of them would. But she didn’t feel like talking about the past. What would he be getting by helping her? His motives were a mystery. Until she knew more, she would keep her card close to her chest.   
He makes her look at ink stains.   
“What does it look like to you?” he asks.   
It looks like two black eyes. Like Yuki’s eyes did in that basement.   
“A butterfly.” She says.   
He shows her the next one.   
“A bouquet of flowers”   
It reminds of the blood. Of the wounds on their bodies that she inflicted. It looks like a bloody heart. 

She knows how to cheat standard psychological tests. He seems to catch on.   
“Where did you grow up?”   
A simple enough question.   
“England”   
She doesn’t give any more details.  
“What was your relationship with you parents like? “   
“Never met them.” She says, in a matter of fact, kind of tone.   
“I am sorry to hear that.” He says.” Lord Oswald Spencer was your foster father?”   
“Guardian.” She corrects him.   
“How old were you when you met him?”   
“Sixteen”   
A lie. She had met him much earlier. But he took her in soon after she graduated collage.   
“Did you get along with him?”   
“Yes”   
He looks at her as if she had given the wrong answer.   
“Was he abusive?”   
“No” she says, perhaps a little too fast.   
“He was, wasn’t he?”   
He sees through her and it scares her. Maybe he can help her but she can’t let him close. He is too dangerous. She realizes she is out of her league here. He had been doing this for years. Reading people, analyzing them. Not in a medical, science experiment kind of way, like she has. She feels overwhelmed. He can tell when she’s lying without so much as batting an eye. She’s never met someone who could do that. Takes a deep breath. The truth is too uncomfortable. Saying it is only making it real.   
“This kind of experience can be difficult to talk about.” He nods towards her, sympathetic. “But it can help bring closure.”   
“You’ll just report everything back to them.” Her tone accusing.   
“I assure you that everything you say will be between the two of us. Under the laws of patient confidentiality.”   
She doesn’t trust it. But feels like there is no other option.   
“It’s wasn’t abuse.” She says” it’s just... There were punishments.”   
“This was in the orphanage?” he asks.   
She nods.   
“And do you agree?”   
She looks up at him.   
“With the punishments? You don’t consider it abuse.”   
“It was to teach us the proper behavior. “She says.   
“Are you familiar with the reinforcement theory?” He asks.   
“Yes.”   
She knows where he going with it. Skinner’s theory that behavior can be shaped by controlling the consequences of it. Reward and punishment. Reward the desirable, punish the undesirable. Shape one into acting however you wish. A form of control. Instilled, ingrained and reinforced by fear of punishment. It was something she herself had used in her work. Realization strikes her. She had just given him what he wanted.   
Spencer knew this too. He did it with a goal in mind. To shaped them according his vision. That was why he took them at such a young age. Before they could even remember. A child who has no basis of comparison. Who has never know anything else is much easier to shape than an adult. It becomes ingrained on such a deep level that changing it is nearly impossible. A kind of mind control, where the person is not even aware they are being controlled. All the behavior being on a subconscious level.   
Take a rat and put a rod in its brain. Make it stimulate the pain centre every time the rat eats. It will learn food = pain. Do it enough times. It will stop eating. Even after you remove it. Even when there is food in front of it. It will die from starvation to avoid pain. This is what Spencer tried to do to them. Did to them. To obey. To the best, be perfect, to become god and rule the world. He jammed it into their brains. Ambition, perfection, above all else, above the rest of humanity. It was Spencer’s ambition, it was his ideals. He shaped them to be versions of himself. A kind of brainwashing. If she had hated him before, she absolutely loathed him after. But even knowing the truth she could not disobey. The fear kept her in check. The fear of that something that would happen to her if she failed.   
But she was not a rat. She could think for herself. Even if she felt afraid of the punishment, even if the punishment only existed in her own mind. She would not live the life he had carved out for her. She would seek her own path. Yes, the desire for power, for status, for acknowledgement was there. And it was not her own desire but the desire Spencer had carved into her. Carved in to him as well. But once she knew she made how own plans. Even if she was too afraid to directly disobey him. She had dreamed. Dreamed of a life with Albert. Making a name for herself in Umbrella. Selling her virus and becoming rich. Eventually perhaps opening her own branch of Umbrella. That was all before Raccoon city. She abandoned that dream that hope. And when he came back she was too tired, too weak to hope again. And then he died for good. And the empty ambitions of a dead old man were all that was left. Achieve glory, become a god. Not in Spencer’s name. Never in his name. But for Him instead. The desperate desire to be something greater than human. To be more than weak, sick and alone. Even if she knew it was impossible. Even if she knew this ambition programmed into her. She couldn’t escape it and the suffering it caused her. It drove her forward as much as she hated it.   
In a sense, Spencer did become a god. While he was not their father biologically he did make them. Carved them, shaped them, and manufactured them, into the people they were. He was their creator. And they had carried out his will in their own ways.   
It made the abyss in her chest open again. The feeling of emptiness swallowing her whole. It had hurt the first time she realized it but being reminded of it hurt just as much. She was nothing. Just a construct, created to carry out a purpose. She tried to rebel but in the end it didn’t matter. She failed in her purpose and now she had nothing left. No reason to exist anymore. It made her feel less then human. Like she was an object. Like she was nothing. 

Claire goes into the office. Alex has a blank expression on her face walking out. Sits in the waiting area.   
“Have you made any progress?” She wonders  
Dr. Haupman looks up from his notes.   
“She is starting to open up to me.” He says.   
“That’s good. “ Claire says.   
Hopes he will give some hints.   
“And what about your progress, Claire?” He asks.   
“Well, I can’t rely say much. She won’t talk to me unless I ask her to. She spends all the time in her room. And she’s been incredibly obedient. “   
He nods as if he had been expecting it.   
“Do think it is a normal behavior?”   
Claire thinks.   
“I don’t know. This isn’t exactly a normal situation. “   
“No. it not. “ He agrees. “Continue to observe her.”   
“Well, it is kind of difficult when she sits in her room all day. She seems to love the book you gave her.”   
He smiles a little.   
“You should consider a change of environment.” He says.   
Claire considers.   
“Yeah, I’m starting to feel like I need a change too.” She says. 

She is lost in thought on the car ride. Claire opens the door for her. Alex didn’t even notice the car stopped. They are outside the hospital. She gives the woman a questioning look. Claire smiles.   
“I got a call from the hospital- Lucy is awake. I thought you might want to see her.”   
The words slowly sink in. Lucy wasn’t dead yet. And she was awake. Saying nothing she gets out of the car. Claire walks beside her. Once they get to the floor Lucy is on a woman almost runs towards them. Her hair is red. She wears a deep blue dress. Put’s her arms around Alex. She feels scared. Doesn’t know what to do. Gives Claire a questioning look. She just shakes her head, just as confused.   
“Thank you.” the woman says. “Thank you for bringing her back to me.”   
This must be Lucy’s mother, she realizes. She doesn’t have the heart to tell the woman that it was because of her that Lucy ended up in this state to begin with.   
The woman is crying and Alex feels like might start crying too. The thanks feel undeserved. She caused all this and yet the woman is treating her like some Savior. She had been called that before. The people on the island knelt before her, kissing her red shoes. Back then she just smiled and reveled in their praise, and the knowledge of the horror she would inflict on them soon enough. It made her feel powerful. But this only made her feel guilty.  
The woman shoves an envelope into her hand. It’s full of money. Alex shakes her head.   
“I can’t take this.” She says.   
Lucy’s family was not that rich. The medical expenses it would cost a lot even if Lucy survived and got out of the hospital. Her recovery would take a long time. At least physically. Mentally? Was that even possible?  
The woman insists.   
“Please. I can’t thank you enough. You saved her.”   
“Lucy needs it more. To get better.” She hands the money back to her.   
The woman is in tears again.   
“You are so kind.”   
Alex feels like she will be sick. She is not kind. She caused all of this. Claire approaches the woman, gives her a chance to get away. She slips into the room. Lucy is laying on the bed. Machines still attached to her.   
“Hey” she says weakly.   
Alex sits on the chair next to the bed.   
“Hey.” She says, looking down at the floor.   
“I’m sorry. You did so much to help me and I blew it.” Lucy sighs.  
“I should have gone with you.”   
“You’re joking?! Then he would have gotten to you too. ..I was so glad you stayed behind.” Lucy tries to raise herself higher.   
“Don’t think about it.” She says.   
“Yeah, that’s going to be thought.” Lucy says wincing.   
“You never really forget something like this.” She says, being honest.   
“I figured.”   
“Does it ever get better?”   
“You get used to it.” Alex says.” It just becomes a part of you and you learn to ignore it. For the most time anyways.”   
“ I don’t know if can do that.” Lucy says.   
Alex understands.  
“I’ve spent my whole life resisting the desire to end it.” a quote from Kafka, but also the truth.   
“Fuck “Lucy slides down the pillow behind her, tears in her eyes.  
Alex says nothing for a while.   
“I’m sorry. None if this would have happened if we hadn’t met.”   
Lucy props herself back up.   
“No. he would have acted sooner if you hadn’t showed up. And I would be dead or worse. He wanted Ashley too and you. He told me. He would tell me of the things he wanted to do to you.”   
Alex feels rage boil under her skin.   
“It’s a pity he is locked up. Because there a few things I would love to do to him.”   
Lucy laughs.   
“Yeah, I would love to see that.”  
Claire walks into the room.   
“Sorry. The police are here and would like to ask a few question. “   
Alex sighs. Get up.   
“We can talk later.” She says.   
“Yeah. “ Lucy says.   
Claire wonders. She had been talking to Lucy’s mother in the hallway. The woman seemed nice. At first she had thought she was Natalia’s mother. The thought sounded ridiculous. After she explained she was her current guardian the two started talking. Lucy had lost her father in a bad accident few years back. And then she became friends with Ashley. How sad she was when her friend disappeared. And bout how her boyfriend had been abusive towards Lucy and setting up cameras in her house. She never knew. Knew he and Lucy didn’t get along but never thought it would get this bad. Claire did her best in trying to console the woman and feeling awkward and out of her depth, while doing it.   
It left her wondering. While Alex denied having any actual care for Lucy, Claire recalled the conversation she overheard. For whatever reason the woman did feel something towards the girl. Perhaps she was just pretending, like she said. Did she know Claire was listening? Somehow she doubted it. Thinking back to the drawing, the dark haired girl. Maybe Lucy remind her of whoever she was. A sister? A friend? Somebody she lost. There were so many questions she wanted answered. What was the Wesker project? She and Albert were obviously part of it. But aside from that one document found Africa they knew little else. There were thirteen at least. She once again recalled the picture. The children in white surrounding Spencer. It made her uneasy.   
The police officer asked her to stop by the station. They wanted to talk to Natalia. Something to do with the Hoffman case.   
“I’ll drop you off by the station. They want to talk to you about Hoffman.” She said once they were back at the car.   
Alex said nothing. There were so many things that it could lead to. From her hacking to the virus outbreak. She just sighed and put on her seatbelt.   
“I know this is difficult” the officer said” but I would like you to try and identify the other person in these recordings. “   
So that was what it was all about.   
“We have determined that there was another individual or possibly individuals involved.”   
Alex focuses on the recordings. Disturbing, disgusting. But she put on a stoic expression. Listening to the voices off camera. They were distorted. But there were two of them. Hoffman was talking to someone. A client? An accomplice? Too hard to tell. She can recognize the voice of Hoffman and just barely. It’s too far away from the camera. The other person she can’t even tell if it’s a man or a woman speaking. In another recording legs of another person briefly enter the scene. Black boots. All there is. Another video, not of Lucy this time. Some boy. It’s not Hoffman in the video, or so she thinks. With the mask and leather apron it’s hard to tell. They are standing behind the boy who is chained to a wooden X. It’s almost like a scene of some execution. What glimpses she sees of the arms, covered fully, and the black leather mask it’s impossible to tell. A video doesn’t translate things like height difference. There doesn’t seem to be a huge difference in body shape either. But the apron obscures most of it. In the end she had no idea if that person is Hoffman or not.   
While Hoffman instead he had been working alone all the evidence suggested otherwise. They never found the mask or the apron in the place they found Lucy. The walls seem to have a red shade to them. This was not the same place. That she could tell. So there was another person, or a group of people still out there. Possibly many more victims waiting to be set free. She was certain that whoever it was didn’t work at the school. They warn her to be careful. She might become a target for her involvement. Alex doesn’t really care. She already has protection not that needs it.   
Claire wonders about all this. It’s not really something she can help with. Terrasave deal with bioterrorists and the clean up after attacks. A human trafficking ring is out of her jurisdiction. And yet all her instincts tell her to be on the lookout. Like there is more to this, like it’s all connected. All the years of investigating and fighting monsters. Something just screams at her from within.   
“You have quite the knack for heroism, Overseer.” She call her that when she wants to tease her.   
Alex just ignore her, like usual.   
“Taking down the Davis’s and they bioweapon research. To think it was right here and nobody caught on. Capturing Hoffman. There is some good in you after all.”   
“I didn’t do it to be good.” Alex says.   
“I know.” Claire says.” But for are pretty good at it. “   
She smiles a little.   
Claire wonder why she did it. She could understand revenge for Lucy but the Umbrella research facility was a perfect chance to escape. Yet, she did not. It almost seemed to her like the woman was choosing to remain here as if, waiting for something. As to what it could be she had no clue. 

Alex sits at her desk, checks her calculations. The chance of a splinter occurring was below 0, 0000002%. It was nearly impossible. And if it had happened it would have happened immediately, or within the first weeks after waking up. Honestly she probably would not have woken up at all if that happened. Natalia would have remained Natalia, not even the memories would have remained. So why was there another version of herself? Of course she accounted for the possibility of error. Once school started she would go back to her secret place. Rework the calculations on a computer.   
She needed to know if it was real. If only she could experience it again. That space with the three of them there. The two promised to interfere if she tried to end her own life again. Alex wondered if perhaps it was the only way to get them to come out. She would have to try it. To satisfy her own curiosity. And if she happened to succeed in dying, that would just be a benefit. Even if Lucy would be sad. The thought that there was someone alive who would mourn her. She had never thought of it before. Her life being important to someone other than herself. The pain of loss, she knew it well. She didn’t want to inflict more pain on the girl. She would be careful in her experiments.


	17. Pain

Chapter 17 Pain  
“You're sick of feeling numb  
You're not the only one  
I'll take you by the hand  
And I'll show you a world that you can understand  
This life is filled with hurt  
When happiness doesn't work  
Trust me, and take my hand  
When the lights go out, you'll understand  
Pain without love  
Pain, I can't get enough  
Pain, I like it rough  
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all”- Pain. 3 Days Grace

Lucy bows her head.   
“It sucks. I wish I could go back to school”   
“You will. Once you’re better.”   
She shakes her head.   
“Mom decided to sell the house. Once I’m out of the hospital we’re moving to her relatives in Vancouver. “   
“That’s on the other side of the country.”   
“Yeah. The agency will handle the sale. Mom doesn’t want to stay here any longer.”   
“Do you?”   
Lucy thinks for a bit.   
“I don’t know. I lost dad here, I lost Ashley. And most people here are complete assholes. But I grew up here. This where dad taught me to ride a bike, to drive. I met you here and…” she wipes the tears from her eyes “I just don’t know.”   
“You can always come back” Alex says.” well, unless a tornado wipes it off of the map or something.”   
“Yeah, I guess.” Lucy laughs  
Alex thinks back to the places she’s lived. Could any of them be considered home? She never thought of them that way. Definitely not the orphanage. Not her dorm room in the collage. Perhaps that little apartment in Raccoon city? She never had an attachment to a place, not enough to call it her home.   
Soon, Lucy would be out of her life. The one person who cared about her. Nothing to really hold her back from acting. Everyone leaves, everyone dies. Everything changes and yet nothing changes. She stares blankly out the window into the rain. There was a sudden “heat wave”. Global warming perhaps. All the snow melted and rains with strong winds began. The new art teacher Mrs. Thomson was saying something about color theory. Alex could not be bothered to listen. Honestly she preferred Hoffman as a teacher- he actually taught. Now art class was more about taking notes and reading textbooks.   
She decided to skip the second art class. Going to check her private lab in the abandoned collage building. The place didn’t seem disturbed. But she took precaution and examined the other rooms where she stashed the equipment. All was there. Replacing the padlock on the entrance seemed to work. And if anyone did come here, all the equipment stashed into boxes looking like it was ready to be moved wouldn’t cause suspicion. She went as far as to fabricate the transfer notes with some of old files she found in the building. Anyone would think they just forgot it when the collage moved out. Now she really wished she had Eliot around to carry it all back and set it up. But when she texted him earlier he said he was not at school.   
She decided to wait until he was available. Didn’t have any plans to create any viruses any time soon. Instead connected her laptop to an external storage unit and began coding the program. She had used it for her calculation when she made the prototype for the mind transfer. It could do a lot more than that. But remaking it would take time and she couldn’t do it at apartment, in case Claire stumbled upon it. So she made sure she recorded it all in the external storage unit. It would take a few days or even weeks to finish it. Considering she had only about 60 to 90 minutes on every day of school. Of course pulling a few all-nighters would have sped it along. This version would include her new calculations. Alex was certain it wasn’t a mind fracture but had no other ideas what it could be. No matter how she tried to calculate the answers she got was never 3. She needed a program to rework the calculations knowing the result and not how she got it. Too many unknown variables in this. But a machine can process things faster and on a broader scope than a human. 

Another thing she did in her spare time was looking into Haupman. There were plenty of articles about the cases he has worked on. Psychopaths, serial killers, mass murderers. He put many of them behind bars, but he had also cleared some of them. Perhaps they were innocent, not right in the head, not aware of what they did. But one thing stood out to her. One picture that made her feel certain.   
Haupman stood next to a man with dark, short hair and a small beard, he had square glasses on- Hoffman. He had been charged with assault on a student he had been tutoring in private. Not a serial killer, just an attempted rape of an adolescent. Yet Haupman was involved. Hoffman pleaded that he was not in the right state of mind because of stress. His wife had left him and took their daughter. The divorce wasn’t going well with all that Hoffman owned going to his wife. He was believed to be on drugs. Claimed he had confused the girl with his own daughter and was trying to rape her only to take her away with him. The police called in an expert to validate these claims. Of course it dragged out the legal proceeding. Haupman just happened to that expert they brought in for the case. And he confirmed Hoffman’s claims. He won the case but was assigned therapy and Haupman just happened to the one he had therapy session with. After a year of therapy Haupman said he was doing better and feeling sorry for the way he acted.   
Alex wondered. If Hoffman really got better, or just better at hiding what he did. She suspected he was lying about the whole thing. But knowing Haupman it was unlikely that he would fall for the lies. He had to have known Hoffman was lying. But he helped him prove his lies, clear the man’s name and let him walk free. Perhaps he could do the same to her. Have her cleared. But that was not an option anymore. Not after seeing him next to Hoffman. If she had considered trusting him before, now it was completely of the table. She recalls the person in the leather mask the police shoved her. Could it have been Haupman? Strange how both him and Hoffman ended up in Canada, and living quite close to each other. One in a small town and the other in a city in the same general area. And why didn’t Hoffman plead insanity this time? Why hasn’t Haupman made a move to help him? Did they have a fight over something? Lucy did say Hoffman wanted Natalia, but Haupman wanted Alex for something. Perhaps a conflict of interests. Perhaps Haupman was the mastermind behind this all along. Hoffman was egotistical, stupid, and impatient. He couldn’t have done all this on his own. Makes sense that there was somebody else, somebody behind him.  
She thinks about it more. This all began when Haupman suggested that Natalia should transfer to that school. The school where Hoffman was a teacher at. Alex feels rage boil in her veins. He knew. All this time he knew and he sent Natalia there knowing. He wanted Hoffman to get to her, she realizes. To get Natalia. Tie her up in that room in front of the camera. Torture her, rape her until she broke. Why? Alex is almost certain she know the answer. It was the moments of misery, of stress from the girl that gave some semblance of control. It was when she broke that Alex woke up. Haupman was aware of it. He wanted to use Hoffman to awaken Alex. But things didn’t go as planned. Lucy got involved. The night in the woods and Umbrella. Hoffman became unnecessary. So he had no need to save the man, who was no longer useful.   
Alex sends the article link to the police. Suggests a link between the two. But she knows this is likely not going to achieve anything. Haupman has ties to the F.B.I., had the B.S.A.A. trusting his every word. He could have her locked up if he so wanted. And the lack of any substantial evidence to prove his quit or even involvement meant he could basically talk his way out of any suspicions. He was the one who held all the cards. Trying to blackmail him would be stupid. Once again she was at the mercy of a cruel man who sought to use her.   
Finding evidence to bust Haupman might be impossible but she had to try. This and researching what was happening to her were two things she focused on. Making sure she only gave vague answers during the sessions and didn’t give him any more information to use against her.   
She stands on the rooftop. The very edge. A long drop down. All she had to do was take one more step and it would all be over. Nothing seems to happen. She waits some more. This part can’t be seen from the school. The fall would be enough to kill her. Yet there is nothing. They had said they would stop her if she tried to end her life. Is she jumped even if they switched places they wouldn’t be able to do anything. And yet they weren’t interfering. She wonders why. It was her hope that doing something like this would trigger it again. She needed to experience it again. To know that it was real. But perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps it was just a dream, a hallucination of sorts. Or perhaps her state of mind was simply too calm. Alex recalls being miserable when it happened. Desperate to truly end things. That despair has decreased somewhat. Now she was trying to figure out how to get her other two selves to appear like they did before. 

Dr. Haupman is out of town. Or so his assistant says. Alex is a little surprised considering the man hasn’t informed anyone of this. But then, the police couldn’t investigate him either. And it sure was strange how just days after she sent them the article he left. But now she will have to wait around for an hour and a half for Claire to come pick her up. She goes outside. Slips into an alley. Takes out the box cuter she swiped from art class. There aren’t any people around. She sits on a crate concealed by garbage containers. Removes her gloves. Unbuttons her coat. Pulls one arm from the sleeve. Rolls up the sleeve of her sweater. Wonders what would happen if she slit it all the way down from her elbow. Would one of the other two take control? She makes a small horizontal cut. Blood pools at the top, drips to the white snow. It stings. Nothing happens. She prepares to do it again. Deeper this time.   
“If you want pain there are better ways.”   
She drops the box cutter. There is someone standing in the shadows. A young woman walks into the light. She has long light brown hair. Dark jacket and jeans. Knee high boots. She gives Alex a smile. She is possibly in her twenties, or younger.  
“I won’t tell.” She says.  
Picks up the box cutter, hands it back to her.   
“You can stay here. But I know you don’t really want to die. “   
“How do you…?”   
“Horizontal for attention, vertical for results. “   
She wants to argue. It’s not for attention. She does want to end it all. But deep down she just curious.   
“I don’t.” She admits.   
The woman smiles.   
“That’s what I thought. You like the pain, don’t you?”   
She can’t say that she does. But she used to pain and suffering. Physical pain had been such a large part of her life. There is another theory she has. Perhaps it was the physical injury that triggered it. Barry did try to strangle her. but after that Stange dream her injury vanished. The theory needed testing.   
“yes. “ She says to the woman.  
“Follow me. I know something that will help. “the woman says  
She hesitates. But goes along. She suspects. This could lead to a few things. Nothing legal either way.  
“I don’t have much time.”   
“Don’t worry. “The woman assures her.  
She takes them thought another alley. Takes a turn. Goes into a narrow street. Opens a door. Down into a basement. It’s a maze down there. Then finally into a room. It’s lit by neon lights that give off a red glow. Alex takes in the décor. The instruments line the shelves and hang on the wall. The woman notices her calmness.  
“You are familiar with it?”   
Alex nods.   
“Good. Then I won’t have to explain much. You know the rules?”   
Alex nods again. She does. Only she has never been on the receiving end before.  
“Alright. If you consent we can begin.”   
“I do “She says.   
“Then strip” the woman commands.   
She is undressing. Hear the heater turn on somewhere in the room. Heels click and the mysterious woman emerges from behind the dark curtain. Wearing the same jeans and high boots but her top is sleeveless, tied by leather straps to a belt around her neck. Long hair tied into a tall pony tail. The way her hips move is rather seductive. She takes something from the shelf. Alex is now completely naked.   
“Turn around. “She commands.   
She does. Feeling rather embarrassed all of a sudden. She leans in close. Eyes moving up and down her body. Hand reaching out to touch the tattoo.   
“Are you afraid” she asks, there is hint of an accent. Russian if she had to guess.   
Alex looks up at her eyes.   
“No.”   
The woman smirks. Turns her to face the wall. Pushes her up against the cold concrete. Chains her hands to the wall with shackles. Takes her hair, cascading down her back. Starts to braid it.   
“Wouldn’t’ want it to get ruined.” She smiles. “It’s so pretty”  
Alex shivers in the cold. Part of her questions why she followed this woman. Why she agreed to this. The braid hangs over her shoulder. Tickles her breast. She turns her head to see what the woman is doing. Sees her removing a whip from the shelf. Breath catches in the throat. The sigh makes her feel nervous. This will hurt. Part of her wants to run. But she can’t. She smells the alcohol like smell. Something cold is rubbing against her back. It smells like spirits. The woman cleans her back, shoulders. It will sting. She is growing more and more tense but the woman is taking her time. She cleans the whip with great care.   
“Wouldn’t want you die to from a blood infection.” She says looking over at her.   
“Now one more thing.” She moves to put something in her mouth.” Bite on this.”   
She does. Feels the woman fasten the gag behind her head. Then she moves to put a blind fold on her. Now she can see. Doesn’t know when the hit will come. The anticipation is brutal. Then finally it comes. The first lash across her back. She can’t scream. The wound stings. the drops of the liquid get inside the wound. Burn. Another lash comes along her spine. She forgets how to breathe. This is nothing like the beatings Spencer gave her. He was a weak old man after all. But it still feels the same way. Humiliating. Like she had failed. Like she was worthless. It also felt right. Like she deserved it. That was the way she was taught. Failure lead to punishment. It wasn’t a sexual pleasure. She didn’t enjoy pain that way. But it was still a relief. Like all the pain that was inside was now outside. It still hurt but in a different way. It wasn’t the feeling of being devoured by the abyss inside her. the concerns of an unknown future and feeling powerless. It was pure physical pain that left no room for anything else. And it was good to feel something different. To not feel empty, sad or miserable. If you can still fell pain, you are alive. She felt very alive now.   
Ten, twelve, twenty?. She lost count of the lashes. Her back was on fire. Just one big pain. The blindfold was wet, tears running down her face. It took her some time to realize the lashings have stopped. She tries to twist. It hurts. To see what’s going on. To ask for more. Somebody takes out the gag. She swallows. Tries to find her voice.   
“Ple ase. more “   
A hand in her hair. Twists.   
“I decide when you’ve had enough.” The woman says. “And I say you’ve had enough for now.”   
Alex almost feels disappointed.   
“But you were good. So good at taking it. I will give you a reward.”   
Her legs hurt from standing up, her arms feel almost numb from being in the same position. The chains rattle, slide down. She in on her knees. Something soft bellow her.   
“Down. On your stomach. “The woman commands.   
She feels tired. Not sure how much time has passed. It’s hard to focus. She wants to sleep. The thing under her is so soft. She doesn’t feel cold anymore. Just tired. Until she feels something touch her side. Slide between her legs. She tenses, it hurts her back.   
“Relax. I will make you feel good.”   
She can’t find a response. Feels something cold and slippery as the woman rubs her fingers against the sensitive spot. Slowly but surely she begins to feel a hint of arousal. But to her disappointment the hand moved away. She doesn’t have the strength to resist or to beg. Something else replaces the hand, it’s cold and hard. It begins to vibrate. She feels the woman press it harder against her. Moving it, rub the sensitive spot over and over. She can’t hold out for very long before it drives her over the edge. But it doesn’t stop. She holds it in place, the vibration intensifies. Ripping another orgasm out of her before she can recover. Her whole body shudders, it hurts but if feels so good at the same time. Feeling both pleasure and pain, sending her into a state of delirium. She doesn’t remember how to breathe. Everything spins. She doesn’t remember how to form thoughts or speak. Nothing exists anymore, just this sensation. And she can no longer tell if it’s pain or pleasure.   
Smoke swirls and the room comes into focus. It’s not Albert, not Spencer either. Stuart sits on the sofa looking a little confused.   
“Master Alex?” it’s almost like he didn’t expect to see her.   
“Stuart.” She is surprised too.   
She looks like her old self not the young girl.   
“Your plan. It didn’t work?” he sound disappointed.   
“Oh it worked” she says.   
He looks up at her still confused.   
“But you’re here.”   
“It’s only a dream.” She says.  
“Ah, yes, of course it is.” He says with some hesitation.   
“What else could it be?”  
He says nothing. Deep down she has a feeling of sadness. She hadn’t given him a second thought back when he was alive. Just a tool to be used.   
“I am glad.” He says” I wish I could be there to help you.”   
“So do I “she says, truthful.   
He understood her work, did everything that was needed to assure things went smoothly.   
“I always admired you.” He says. “I loved you.”   
She knew of it. But it didn’t matter to her. She loved someone else. And Stuart loved her in nonromantic way, he idolized her, worshiped her like a god. Sometimes it even unsettled her a little but he remained loyal. He died for her in the end. And now she wished he hadn’t.   
“I know.” She says.” You did a wonderful job. Thank you” She says.   
Even after all he had done for her. All the sacrifices. She failed.   
“I hope you can find some happiness in this new life, Master Alex” He says.   
His words take her of guard. Remind her of Spencer.   
“After all, you are free now. “   
She can’t tell him that she isn’t.   
“Whatever you chose to do I know you are brilliant. There is nothing you can’t accomplish.” He says with certainty and adoration. 

“I have failed.” She admits” I’ve lost everything.”  
He looks concerned for a moment.   
“But you can start again, like you always did. In the words of King Solomon- this too shall pass. I will do my best to watch over you as often as they allow me.”   
He is hopeful that she almost wants to cry.   
“It’ll be alright. Just give it a little more time.” he sounds encouraging.   
She can’t recall Stuart ever sounding this optimistic. He would speak little and offer some words of wisdom or advice that she never paid attention to. He did his work, made her meals and brought her tea. He took care of her so much that many assumed he was her butler, while in fact he was an assistant researcher.   
“I hope your right.” She says.   
He smiles. The room fades.   
She opens her eyes she is alone. Some cloth draped over her. The chains are off and so is the blindfold. The pain is less intense. Wounds on her back have begun to heal already. She is sore and sensitive between her legs. Muscles ache but deep in her chest she can feel almost happy.   
Her clothes are neatly folded. There is a note on top of them. A phone number. “You know where to find me if you want more. Natalie.” She almost laughs out loud. The woman’s name is Natalie? How ironic. Something glints in the dark. She sees a needle on the floor. Looks herself over. A tiny red dot of a punctuation mark on her arm. She wonders when it happened. She was too caught up in it to notice a small pain like a needle. Maybe when she was unconscious? Alex isn’t even sure what the woman put into her. Not that narcotics would have much effect on her. The virus would probably neutralize them. If Natalie thought she could her addicted she was wrong. Well about the drugs anyway. Alex knew she would be coming for more.  
The theory did held up, somewhat. While it wasn’t what she hoped for something still triggered. Perhaps it was just a coincidence. But the dream with the smoke filled room seemed to be another thing she needed to investigate. She knew there had to be a connection. She had appeared to as her old self in that room but also as her current self. There had to be a link. And she was not one to give dreams meaning but dreams had a connection to the mind. And the mind is what she was trying to analyze. She was aware of her own consciousness but the other two were locked away from her.   
She noticed something else. The wounds on her back had healed by the time she was back in Claire’s apartment. The virus inside Natalia had healing properties but they weren’t instant or this fast. After that time in the hospital it changed. Healing much faster than normal. In addition with not being able to get sick it seemed like a good deal. The only thing she could deduce was, that the near death experience triggered something inside her. A change. Perhaps it was the other two inside her interfering. That was their way of stopping her from dying. But she figured if she fell from high enough even they wouldn’t be able to.. Then again, her old body got exploded and buried under the ruble of the tower and still survived. Perhaps the virus would bring her back as a mangled mass. Not a thrilling prospect.   
That is why she knew she would need to see that woman again. To see if it was indeed physical pain that brought it on. It was research. Mostly. She did find her attractive. A foreign concept, still strange to her. Being attracted to another woman. But then it didn’t really matter in the end.


	18. Open wounds

Chapter 18 Open Wounds  
“And you can't stop me from falling apart  
Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?  
When all I ever wanted to be was you?  
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?  
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?”- Open Wounds, Skillet

Haupman was still not back. The police had managed to contact him and receive confirmation that he was away on a case for the F.B.I. She still needed to go and check in once in a while, take some tests he left behind to monitor her or so the assistant claimed. She knew it was a façade. But couldn’t do anything. If she was going to prove the man was a criminal she needed evidence. So she tried to snoop during those visits. The assistant would watch her never leaving the room unless the phone rang or somebody knocked on the door. The only thing she managed to find out was the man’s address.   
But she couldn’t search it. Not allowed to leave without supervision. However that did not seem to apply when it came to leaving her alone in apartment for hours. School was the only time she might be able to get away for a few hours but she would transportation. Eliot did come up as an option but he was hardly at school these days. 

Claire was slowly adjusting to the new way of life. For the most time Alex stayed in her room. Conversations were few. But it stopped feeling awkward, well mostly. She did notice a few more things. First were the book, she kept getting new ones from somewhere. The empty shelf was not so empty anymore. A new book on it almost every time she went in. She did check the room from time to time. It almost made Claire feel guilty but she did check her computer. Nothing aside from school tasks, and book purchases. She knew that if she was plotting something it would probably not be on here. But aside from school and the sessions with the doctor and occasional visits to the hospital, she didn’t take Alex anywhere else. The school was a possibility, but it would be a problema to search it without a warrant. She had her suspicions about the strange outbreak of flue that happened in the school. Even stranger was how everyone suddenly recovered in a matter of hours, even those that didn’t received any antibiotics. It’s like the virus just expired on its own. The doctors never seen anything like this. She would have needed a lab to make something like this. The old Umbrella facility was under watch. But the Overseer was clever.   
One thing that she did lament was how Barry began avoiding her. Looking at her differently, after she took her in. He had been a close friend for a long time and now it was as if she was enemy to him now. With Chris of to god knows where this made her feel isolated, alone. Moira came to visit sometimes. But she was busy with work for Terrasave. Claire missed work. Babysitting Alex was technically work, but she missed going to work, seeing her coworkers. She did make trips to HQ to report but it wasn’t the same. Besides, Alex didn’t give her much to report.   
However there was something. It gave her hope that perhaps the woman was starting to trust her a little. Returning from the gym, she needed to work off all that pizza somehow, she was surprised to find the smell of food filling the apartment. Even more surprised to find Alex in the kitchen. She must have been standing there dumbfounded for quite a while.   
“You don’t expect me survive on that junk you keep ordering?”   
“Honestly, I’m surprised you can cook. I thought you had your servants prepare everything for you.” Claire said.   
She laughs.   
“Spencer did, but that curtesy was not extended to the rest of us. “  
“Did your mother teach you?” She asked, hoping she could get the woman to talk.   
“No. I learned in collage.”   
“Your collage had cooking classes?” She says, swiping a tiny tomato from the salad.   
“Not that I’m aware of. I learned myself. Not much of a choice really when hawing to live of a scholarship. “   
“You could have gotten work.”   
“I was twelve” she said with a sigh.   
Claire tried to remember what she did when she was twelve. Going to middle school, getting into a fight with some boys. Chris taught her how to fight and stand up for herself. He also came to school and beat up some kid that bullied her. But few years later she ended up dating him for a while. She watched cartoons and admired superheroes. Still very much a kid.   
“Wow.” was all she managed to say.   
The food was actually good. She did briefly consider there being something in the food.   
“Don’t worry, Redfield, I didn’t poison it.”   
Claire wanted to say she never expected her to but decided to say nothing.   
“How did you get all this?” she asked  
“Ever heard of delivery services? The receipt’s on the counter. ”   
“Right.”   
There was indeed a receipt from a delivery service. There was no ground to believe she broke the rules and left the apartment. Considering Alex was eating the same food, and finished making it in front of Claire, this not a murder attempt either. This was the first time they had a meal in the same room. Claire wondered if this was her way of returning the favor. Or perhaps she was sick of Claire ordering junk food. Either way she ended up enjoying it. This was something she would have expected to eat a restaurant. Fish with wine sauce and vegetables. The wine was good too. A colleague had given her a bottle but Claire wasn’t much of a wine drinker and just forgot about it. She watched Alex drink, elegantly holding the glass, another gift she never used. It was almost hypnotizing. Claire avoided high class places because they always made her feel awkward, the dresses, too many different forks, feeling like everyone was looking at her like she didn’t belong, ordering the wrong wine with dish. Alex definitely fit in with that setting. It made her forget for a while that she was currently inhabiting the body of a fifteen year old girl.   
“You know you’re not old to enough to drink?” Claire said   
“I’m older than you.” She says, a sly smile on lips.  
“Technically, you’re not.”   
“That only matters if somebody else finds out.” She says.   
Claire sighs, gives in. She does have a point. It was difficult to explain to the child protection services after the incident in the hospital. While Natalia is biologically fifteen the person inhabiting her body was a woman in her fifties. Eventually they decided to treat her based on her biological age, making her a minor. But Alex made it easy to forget that little fact. 

She was certain that Redfield was trying to manipulate her. But she could at least pretend to be returning the favor. Making the woman think her attempts were working. And she was honestly tired of burgers and pizza and the crap they tried to pass for salad in those places. Part of her did wonder if the woman was being genuine, but that would be too much to hope for. But every time she woke up curled up with a book to find the lights off and a blanket on her, she wondered. It reminded her of him. How he used to do it for her when she fell asleep working overnight or reading in the break room. She missed that. Having someone who cared for her.   
Maybe it was the wine, she wasn’t sure. Half the night was truly blissful sleep but then when it started to turn morning the dreams got strange and horrific. There was fire. a city drowned in flames. She was falling from the sky. Falling into it. The fall didn’t hurt. She was on her feet in a crossroad. Then they began emerging from all sides. Burning, black, charred bodies. Walking, moaning. Undead. They surround her. No escape. The heat, the smoke is suffocating. The tens of arms holding her down, digging into her flesh, the weight of them crushing her as they rip into her.   
She had this particular dream before. But it was becoming more frequent. Almost nightly. She wakes up with her heart pounding in her chest, cold sweat on her skin. The covers wrapped around her, tangled and sticking to her. It’s a nightmare. But she wonder’s it if means anything. She has been having it more often. Slowly she gets up, untangles the sheets. Goes to shower. The warm water feels comforting. The feeling of helplessness and dread remains. She knows it’s probably nothing, just her mind representing her situation in a way that is at the same time exaggerated but true. She is trapped. Helpless. No escape. And it’s a matter of time before some imminent disaster strikes and she is either locked up or killed. A grim reminder of everything she would rather forget. Slowly the tears fall, mixing with the water from the shower.   
No hope. No escape. Only misery and suffering. That all that is in life. That all it will ever be for as long she remains alive. The abyss inside swallows her up. Even in sleep she can’t escape the reality of existence. But she wants so desperate to escape. To pretend that she can escape.   
If by some miracle she managed to prove Haupman was a guilty would it really help her case? She wonders. They would probably still arrest her once it was legal. Perhaps even sooner. With the connections that man had, bringing him down seemed impossible. No one would believe her if she told them. He was too esteemed for then to doubt him. But if she did what he asked her to do, what would happen then? He seemed to want her for his own research. To study her. She suspected where that would lead. After all she had done it to so many.   
She looks at the dark hall where the door of the apartment is. She could just run. Open the door and run. She had money. Just run anywhere. They would chase her. Maybe she could escape them for a while. But eventually they would find her, then probably lock her up in a real prison. 

They grey days all blend into one. The nightmare keep her awake for most nights. The feeling of being swallowed up inside the abyss lingers. The dreams are getting worse if it’s at all possible. At the end of the week she dial the number. Claire has left her at the office but the assistant is nowhere. Meeting has been called. Two hours all to herself. She call that woman. This is an escape, a distraction. A way to forget.   
She used to be full or rage in her younger days, to hurt others. She enjoyed it too. Many labeled her a sadist. She might have been one. But now all the rage was gone, only a gaping emptiness. The cold feeling of numbness inside. And she wanted to feel anything other than this. There was a comfort in surrender. Something she had never considered before.   
Natalie is there waiting by the time is down.   
“I was beginning to think you wouldn’t call” she says, smiles.   
Alex doesn’t know what to say. This is just a distraction, an illusion of escaping. She takes her by the hand, leads her back to the room.  
“Tell me where you want me to hurt you.” she whispers in her ear.   
She shivers in the cold. Anticipates it.   
“Everywhere.” She breathes.   
Natalie laughs. It’s a sweet and cruel sound. She ties her up like before. Alex sees her approach with a needle and a vial. She extracts the liquid. Injects it into her.   
“Don’t worry, this will make it more special.” She says.   
She braids her hair like before. Hands moving down her back, a cold caress. Finally she gags her. No blindfold this time. The lights in the room look brighter, that contrasts between light and shadow become much more vivid. Like all her senses are heightened. Her pupils expand. Heat spreading thought her body, but the room still feels cold. It’s almost like standing on an unstable surface, like she could fall down and there was no floor below. Time seems to stretch as if the world is in slow motion. It’s feels like forever before the first hit comes. It’s like lighting shooting through her spine. Even the sense of pain seems heightened in this state. She can’t think, only feel. Feel the pain that slowly chips away at the numbness inside.   
Time disappears. She shuts her eyes tight, focuses on the pain. The gag won’t let her scream. Her eyes water a little. It feels right, it feels deserved. Like a punishment for all her failures. A reminder that deep down she is a failure. That this is her true self- pathetic, weak, and miserable. Each burning lash is a truth etched into her skin. No matter how much she wants to be something more, to be god, to be human, she is just an insect. No matter how much she wants to be the cage, she is the bird stuck inside.   
Natalie stops but she isn’t aware of it. Feels the woman lean over her. Opens one eye. Feels the hand stroke her head softly. Tears blur her vision. She leans down to her face, licks the tear from her cheek.  
“You’re so pretty like this.” She says.  
Her lips move down, find hers. Natalie dominates the kiss. The taste of her tears in the woman’s mouth. Alex almost feels sad when she pulls away.   
“Don’t worry. I have a reward for you.” She says.   
She returns soon wearing a harness with a strap on over her tight jeans.   
“Now, how does my pretty little pet want me to fuck her?”

The wounds heal slowly. Some rip open and bleed. She hides the blood shirt. Wonders what changed. There was no dream, no vision. But it did make her feel better. Natalie flipping her on her back and fucking her, her wounds pressing against the latex sheet on the mattress. Pain and pleasure driving her over the edge. But she didn’t stop there. Whatever drugs the woman gave her seemed to have an effect on her. Everything felt heightened somehow. Growing aroused again right after. Now it hurt. Natalie fucked her mercilessly. But it felt amazing at the time. But the pleasure faded and the ache was all that remained.   
The water stung as she stood under the shower. The numbness inside was gone. The pain kept it at bay. But it was the words that truly stayed with her. Those whispered in her ear while she pounded her.   
“So pretty. Just for me. No one else understands you. Not like I do. I’m the only one that can hurt you like this. Hurt you like you want to be hurt. I’m the only one who can love you like this.”   
Somehow she wanted to believe those words were true. They couldn’t be. It just business for her. She did pay the woman. It was a service. But somehow she had known exactly what to say. Could there really be someone out there who could love her? When even he couldn’t? In the end he left. Discussed by her weakness. He could have put an end to her suffering, why didn’t he? Why did he just turn around and leave? She would never know. Perhaps he never cared for her. Perhaps she simply wanted him to. Wanted so bad that she ignored the truth.   
He was the only one she let close. The only one she opened herself up to. She showed him what truth she could without putting them both in danger. She gave herself to him, abandoned her dominace for him. Surrendered. He made her happy. And then he made her hurt. He hurt her more than anything Spencer had ever done to her, worse than her sickness ever could. He hurt her so much that it still hurt. He died. He came back and then he abandoned her. And then he died again. And yet if he hadn’t been there, during those nights, she wasn’t certain that she would have made it. She would have done something reckless. She was trying to protect him, perhaps that was why Spencer told her about him. Why he forbade her from telling him. To manipulate her. Perhaps he was playing along in the games of that cruel old man. Love? Or just another scheme to control her? If he hadn’t been there she would have broken into the archives and learned the truth, probably would have been killed after. Or turned into an experiment. Perhaps she would have even tried to kill Spencer. But Albert was there so she obeyed, endured and suffered. All to keep him safe.   
Was everything in her life a lie? Her name, her desires, even her love. All fabrications made to control her. People pushed into her path simply to control her. All part of Spencer’s plan. The cruel Architect of her reality, her suffering. She was not her own person, it always gnawed at her. Knowing it. But she was tired of it. Of this cage, of this fabricated world. She wanted something real, something that wasn’t a lie. Spencer was dead and yet she was still living in that man’s shadow. He even had the audacity to wish her happiness. She had considered death to be her only escape but she kept waking up from it. Maybe she did belong with Natalie. Somebody who knew how pathetic and fucked up she was. And yet dared to call pretty for it. Perhaps Natalie was the only person who could love her. And that love would pain. But perhaps it’s what she deserved.


	19. Catharsis

Chapter 19 Catharsis   
“This feeling's getting a bit harder to control  
A place to feel completed or a place to be alone?  
The rhythm of rebellion from the rattle in your bones  
A sonic liberation, salvation in your headphones  
Darkest disguise  
Leave it at the door  
Bright lights divine  
(Leave your body on the floor)  
Catharsis in darkness  
When you can't seem to feel a thing  
The absence that haunts you  
Won't hurt much longer” – Catharsis, Motionless in White

Lucy says she will be returning to school to finish the year. In the end she managed to convince her mother to allow it. She is recovering. They plan to discharge her in two weeks if all goes well. Despite her acting like her normal happy self, Alex wonders how different Lucy will be. Despite the initial attraction Natalia had for the girl, she doubts it would be possible for them to be together. After the trauma, she doubted Lucy would want anything to do with sex. Or if she would even be able to. Due to infection some of the parts had to be removed. Their relationship would never get anywhere beyond friends. As much as she hated Hoffman for it a part of her knew it was her own fault. 

The nightmares are getting worse. Now she often wakes struggling to breathe. Almost like having a panic attack. Part of her wonders if there is something wrong with her virus. It almost feels like her body is hurting all over, like the flames that burn her and the hands that rip her were real. Half expects to find burn marks on her body. It had taken her back a few days to heal from the latest session. The enhanced healing effect or whatever it was had worn off. Perhaps it was the drugs Natalie put into her system. Perhaps the virus itself had become worn out.   
She sets up the equipment, takes a sample of her own blood. Can’t see anything different. The program she was working on is almost finished. It can run analysis just fine. But the equation still remains unsolved. No matter how she tries the answer is clear- 2 does not equal 3. Her copied consciousness and that of Natalia could not result in the existence of a third consciousness. There is only one other explanation. There were 3 from the start. The only way this could be true. But it’s impossible. Her old consciousness remained in her body after it reanimated. She shakes her head in denial. Her old self died. The consciousness should have died with it. There was no way it could transfer into her. And yet it’s the only explanation that exists. She hesitates, then starts typing it into the program. The calculations are running.   
There are two answers. One is 0. The other keeps going for a little longer. The consciousness becoming unstable after the event of death is more than 51%. If point of contact was provided possibility of transfer becomes 33%. She stares at the screen. Still not believing it. Her original concisions had somehow transferred into Natalia as well. The copy and the ordinal both existing in one host seemed impossible. Considering they both have the same memories one would simply overwrite the other. Like two identical files on a computer. And yet they both exist. Perhaps it was not a hallucination after all. Now that there is a mathematical probability of it being true.  
But the two have not interfered with her life any more. The strange dreams of a hellscape is all she gets. Sometimes it’s a dark hallway full of locked doors. Somebody chasing her, somebody she can’t see. Sometimes she is drowning in fire. But it’s still the same. The feeling of something drawing near. Some inevitable tragedy. Like all of this is coming to end. Maybe it will be death. She hopes it will be quick, painless. But deep down she knows she deserves suffering. Perhaps these dreams are Hell’s way of telling her that her time is up. Not that she ever believed in any god or devil. Still unsure if there is anything beyond death. But now becoming nothing doesn’t seem so bad. If there is indeed a Hell and eternal damnation awaits her.   
Science was the only thing she believed. Things one could see and touch. And yet she often wondered about the ephemeral world described in literature. A world of gods and destiny and fate. In the myths the gods were selfish, arrogant, vengeful, flawed to the point they could be considered human. But those days were gone. Spencer taught them the old myths, but not religion. He idolized the old Greek Gods, wanted to be one. But in the myths the gods died. All gods disappeared in the end. All myths telling of a final battle that wiped them out. A war between gods. Ragnarok. Perhaps it is the fate of even gods to die, to vanish into myth. Then new gods and religions rise to take their place. Spencer’s dream was hopeless and doomed from the start. No king rules forever, no god can reign forever. Even gods have to move with the times- change.   
The current god Is 3. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. God is three beings that somehow fit into one- a Trinity. The old God- the father who made the world. A cruel and vengeful god that punished humanity for its sins. The Son- who died and was reborn, to die again for the sins of the world. Who could heal the sick with a single touch and bring people back from the dead. The Spirit- an aspect of god through which god communicates and acts on people. 

She wonders how much Spencer was like the old god- a cruel and vengeful old man. How much Albert was his son? He died for the idea of a new world. And he certainly raised the dead as well healed people. The medicine Umbrella made did end up saving lives while the viruses and monsters they made ended up killing them. He was not a loving messiah. No he was cruel and unforgiving, just like his father. And her. She had been a ghost in the company, always working on the behalf of the old man. Following his orders, working in silence. How much of it had he planned from the start? To make them a parody of god. The Fucked Up Trinity. Did he pick these roles for them from the start? Or perhaps they all just happened to fall into them on their own accord. She wonders if there is a god, would he laugh at the spectacle Spencer arranged. He must have found it entertaining because he didn’t strike them down with bolts of lightning. He didn’t stop them from turning his children into flesh eating undead. He didn’t stop them from hurting her. He didn’t stop Albert from dying. To her the answer was simple – god did not exist. That is why Spencer tried to become one. To create one. So the world would finally have a god. A cruel, vengeful, arrogant god. 

Natalie isn’t picking up her phone. It’s been a like that for a few days. It’s driving Alex crazy. Lately she has been taking more risks than usual. Trying to see her. At least for one night she wouldn’t have nightmares. They kept getting worse. She wakes up gasping for air, felling like she will suffocate because she can’t remember how to breathe. Fear, panic. She wants to scream but can’t. Shakes and cries and wishes Natalie was there. Wants the woman to hold her. For somebody to save and not let her die. It passes eventually but those few minutes feel like a lifetime. She isn’t sure if it’s the drugs or the sex or the pain but at least for one night she can sleep in peace. She realizes that in past weeks she had become reliant on Natalie. Almost like an addiction. Like something she will literally die without. She knows it sounds pathetic. Perhaps she is addicted. Perhaps the drugs make it worse. She doesn’t care. No drug could last weeks. And the dreams began shortly before she met the woman. So it’s probably something else. For her she is the only way to get some rest from the nightmares.   
She is so desperate that she no longer cares about the rules. Claire isn’t home. Gone to the gym. Alex had been observing long enough. It will take her a good four to be back. She could leave and get back just before her. And if she didn’t, well does it really matter anymore? 

She opens the door. Leaves and goes to the basement of what she knows to be sex shop. Natalie worked there sometimes. When she arrives there is indeed someone there but it’s not her. To her surprise she finds Eliot there. He is looking pale, dark circles under his eyes. But she doesn’t ask about it.   
“Natalia?” he seem surprised to see her” what are you doing here?”   
“Looking for someone.”   
“So am I” he says, talks slow as if in a daze.  
“I don’t suppose her name is Natalie?”   
“How do you know her?”   
“Not important.”   
“Look, you shouldn’t get involved with her.” he looks around as if scared of something” that woman is not right in the head. Trust me. You need to stay away from her.”   
“A little too late for that.” She says.   
Eliot says nothing else.   
“I’m surprised you know her.”   
“I used to buy weed from her for a short while. I was low on cash one time and some guys told me there was this dealer that took “alternate payments”.”  
“Well it doesn’t look like she’s here. You know any other place she could be?” Alex asks.   
“Who knows? She has\d spots all over town. “He says.   
Alex is getting anxious. The feeling of despair and panic.. Slowly creeping in. Natalie not being here is making her feel like she had been abandoned again. She almost wants to cry. It’s stupid she knows it. Natalie doesn’t love her. Doesn’t care. That is not part of their arrangement. But she wants her to. Wants to believe that she could love her. But she isn’t here now. The one thing she relied on. Eliot, on the other hand is. She looks at him. He looks at her, leaning against the wall.  
“I need a distraction” She says.  
It takes him by surprise.   
“Okay. Uh.. We can go to my place.” He says, hesitates.   
She sits in the car quiet. They stop near the area with the factories. He opens the door for her. They go to the small room he is staying in. Little has changed here. He takes off his jacket. Looks at her questioningly. She faces him. Determined.   
“I want you to hurt me.” She says.   
He looks nervous.   
“Uhm.. I just.. I don’t really enjoy this kind of stuff, ya know.” His voice is shaky.   
Alex makes for the door. He sighs, defeated.   
“Alright. I’ll see what I can do.”   
She begins undressing. Wondering if she made a mistake this time. Eliot wasn’t Natalie. He couldn’t make her pain go away. He doesn’t understand her. He can’t hurt her like Natalie does. Maybe she should just leave.  
He takes of his hoodie and t-shirt he was wearing under it. Takes the belt out of his pants. Goes over to some clothes tossed on a chair. Takes another belt. He ties her hands behind her back. The look on his face is one of pure concentration. He bound her tight. She can’t get free. He pushes her down to the mattress. She falls losing her balance. He adjust her, so she is on her stomach. Curls her legs so her lower half is more raised. He folds the belt, then brings it down on her ass. It actually hurts. No gag or blind fold, no drugs. But she closes her eyes out of habit. Another hit. To her thigh this time. It’s wider than the whip. And while it doesn’t break skin it hurts all the same. He hits her again, over the same spot. It hurts a lot more. She cries out a little. Thankfully he doesn’t stop.   
She is reminded of the spankings back at the orphanage. The sound of the belt hitting skin. The smell of leather. And suddenly she feels like that scared little girl again. Back at the Latin class. The teacher bending her over his knee. She struggled to learn. She made a mistake. It was the first time. The first of many. It was terrifying. She had liked the class before this. She was only seven. One mistake and the kind teacher she liked turned into something to be feared. He made the class watch as he beat her. She cried and screamed. Terrified. Having never felt anything like this before.   
The memory surfaces. So vivid. So fresh. Even after all these years it still hurts. She hated Latin even since then, and anything that sounded similar to it, like French. Another hit, to her arms this time. To her back. She bites her lip, tears flowing down her face. A sob threatening to escape. Deep down she thought it was unfair. Deep down she thought she didn’t deserve it. It was just one small mistake. It was unfair. But she would say anything to make it stop. Like she had learned to do later.  
“I’m sorry” she whispers.   
Repeats it over in hear head. Feeling like a child again, being punished for misbehaving. The ego breaks, slowly, painfully, like it did back then. It hurts more on the inside. Then comes the surrender. She did deserve this. It was her fault. She did make a mistake after all. Something she shouldn’t have done. As the resistance fades, and the laughing voices in head die. They did laugh at her, not because they wanted to. But because they were encouraged. They would be punished if they didn’t. the realization hit her back then. She was not untouchable, she was not above them. Just like the rest. And then she burned with anger, a desire to be better, to be the one watching and laughing and not the one being punished. That rage and arrogance that fueled her. her cruelty was born that day.   
It unravels like a thread. She had never felt this with Natalie before. The feelings of guilt surface, take over. She doesn’t even realize when she starts crying for real. The realization of the truth, she had repressed all these years. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t deserved. It was a manipulation, just like everything had been.   
Eliot stops. Unties her. She doesn’t notice. Broken down into full on sobs. Her kneel beside her. Rubs her back gently.   
“I’m.s.so.rry.”   
“It’s okay.” Says. Pulls her against his chest.   
She isn’t even sure why she is crying anymore. The tears just won’t stop. She’s never cried this much with Natalie. Somehow Eliot was able to truly break her. She struggles to catch her breath, sobbing into his chest. The embrace is comforting. Natalie never held her like this. Natalie just fucked her right after. Slowly she begins to calm. Suddenly feeling embarrassed that she broke down like this at all.   
“It’s alright.” She hears him say. “Let it all go.”   
She hides her face in the crook of his neck. Thinking how ugly she must look right now. But she also feels exhausted. The wave of emotion leaving her drained and yet it also brought a strange feeling of relief.  
“Lay down. I won’t go anywhere.”   
The invitation seem so inviting. She lays down, feels him place a pillow under her head. He lays down next to her. Pull the covers over them both. It’s warm, it feels good.   
She realizes she has drifted off to sleep when she begins to wake. It’s dark in the room now. But her eyes don’t want to fully open. She doesn’t want to get out of bed. Something smells nice. So nice. She knows that smell. It smells like Him. She rolls over on the other side. Half expecting to see him asleep next to her. But in a moment of clarity she opens her eyes. Eliot is stirring next to her. He grunts in between sleep and waking. She embraces him. Still feeling the hint of that smell. Her hands move down his muscular chest. Down to his abdomen. He is aroused. She feels it. She still owes him. Might as well return the favor. And if she can get some fun out of it all the better.   
She slips her hand into his jeans, so loose without the belt to keep them on. He seems thinner than she remembers. Runs her hand down his length. Feels him pressing into her touch. Squeezes. Hears him groan. Moves her enclosed fist up. Slowly. Runs the thumb over the tip. Teases. Slides down. He tries to rock his hips to get some friction. She begins teasing herself with her other hand. A few more slow strokes. She feels herself grow wet. Pulls away. Let’s go of him. He is desperate to get her back. Tossing and turning. She maneuvers him onto his back. Pulls off his pants. Straddles him. The covers slide of in the process. It’s the cold that wakes him. She sees him open his eyes, and for a fracture of a second they almost look red.   
“wha.. Natalia?”   
“You were making noise in your sleep.” She gives him another stroke.” So figured I’d take care of your little problem.  
He moans a little from her touch.   
“Hold on. Just give me a moment. “He breathes.   
She stops. Moves away from him. A little surprised. He goes to the bathroom. She hears him cough violently. Recalls him looking pale. Wonders if he’s sick.   
“Are you alright?” She questions when he comes out.   
“Yeah. I’m fine.” He says, breathing fast and shallow.  
Takes a bottle of water and drinks.   
“It’s just I’ve been having these horrible dreams lately.”   
“From the way you were moaning it sounded like it was nice.” She teases.   
He blushes a little.   
“Yeah, well it get’s weird. Forget about it. I’m good to go.”   
He kisses her. Touches her. Gentle. Too gentle. Even when he takes her. No matter how good it feels, it’s not enough. She feels like she is hanging on the edge but not able to get over it. Natalie’s treatment of her was probably responsible. In her mind she cursed the woman for this. She tries to get herself there but it’s still not enough. She feels Eliot finish. He seems to catch on. Feels his fingers move inside her. She is rocking against him, panting but unable to let go of herself. She needs the pain.   
“Hurt me.” Her mouth moves but she is too out of breath to make sounds.   
Then she feels him bite down on her shoulder. Still not quite enough. He removes his fingers from her and she whines at the loss. But then she feels him enter her again. Already hard again. He is being brutal now.. Merciless with the pace. She is almost there, she feels it. The he puts his hands around her neck. Squeezes. She gasps for air. Eyes already watering from the desperate need. She looks up at him. And His eyes look like two burning orbs of red and orange. It reminds her of Him. Of that night. She comes. Shaking violently. He finishes for a second time. Collapses on her. Moments pass. She feels her breath slowly return to normal. Eliot moves.   
“That was, crazy. “She says. “How did you think to...”   
He scratches the back of his head, sits up.  
“To be honest I’m not sure what I did. I kind of black out for bit. “   
“I think Natalie officially ruined sex form me” she sighs.  
“Yeah, she can do that.” He says sitting up.   
It’s strange. The thought that the two of them had a relationship in the past.   
“I thought you bought weed from her?”   
“Yeah, and in exchange she made me help with some of her other work.”   
“Other work?”   
“Yeah, that’s what she calls it but it didn’t sit right with me.”  
“You seem pretty good at it.”   
“This is different.” He said.” I get the idea behind it but what she does is just wrong.”   
“Tell me about it.”   
“Well like I said it’s messed up. This one time I had to help her with some guy who was all tied up with a bag over his head. She said he agreed to it and that the whole thing was his idea, but I dunno. It gave me a weird feeling. So we got him into a van and drow out of town. And I dropped them off in some place. Honestly I felt like I taking part in a kidnaping or something. The guy made so much noise and moving around she put him to sleep. “  
Alex listened carefully.   
“And sometimes she had me film things. Messed up things. Like really messed up.”   
“Like what” she asks, tone almost demanding.   
“Torturing them and I don’t mean in a sexy way. Like dunking people underwater, hooking them up on meat hooks. I saw put nails through a guy’s nipples and sew his mouth shut. I told you, she’s crazy.”   
“Yeah, that’s pretty crazy. “She agreed.   
“And she liked to wear this really freaky outfit. Like a butcher or something.”   
“What?” Breath catches in her chest.  
The dots begin to connect.   
“It had this large apron and a leather mask. She even bragged about it being human skin. Knowing her it’s probably true. “   
“No.” Alex want’s to scream.   
Feels tears gather in her eyes. Tries to take a deep breath and calm down. All this time she thought it was Haupman in that leather mask and apron.. Eliot seems to notice the change in her.   
“Hey, what’s wrong?”   
She can’t answer. How could she believe that after all this time somebody could understand her? Somebody could actually care about her. She can’t believe she wanted that woman to love her. Tears just start coming. Eliot embraces her.   
“I’m sorry.” He says awkwardly, not sure what he did.   
She just shakes her head. She wants to tell him but she can’t speak, afraid she will break down again. All she wanted was something, someone she could trust. For something to be real and not a lie. Maybe there is still hope. Maybe it’s not her after all. There are many mask and aprons out there. Maybe it’s not her. Maybe Natalie is just fucked up, but it doesn’t mean she must be working with Hoffman. She wants to believe the woman is not that person on the video.   
“Could you.. Recognize it if you saw it?” She asks.   
“Yeah.” He says.   
“Go to the police.” She says.   
He looks at her confused, disbelief in his eyes.   
“Hoffman’s videos.” She says, talking slowly” there is someone else in them. Leather mask. Apron.”   
He has a horrified expression now.   
“Shit.. Are you serious?”   
She nods.   
“It could be somebody else. You would know. Right?”   
“Yeah. I mean I was there. I filmed that shit. Few years ago but damn. All this time I thought, she was just making really fucked up shit for her clients. She said they agreed to it. that they asked to be filmed like that.”   
“Maybe they did.” She said. “Maybe you did nothing wrong. Maybe she didn’t either. You’re the only one who can tell.”   
“Yeah, I’ll go. First thing tomorrow. I got to work tonight.  
Suddenly she is aware that it’s dark. That she had left Claire’s apartment and maybe it was too late now.   
“I need to get going.”  
“I can give you a ride.” 

Claire looked over the article Moira wanted to show her.   
“Don’t you think it’s strange?” Moira said.   
“Now that you mention it yeah, maybe. “Claire agrees “But Hauptman’s been a big help. “   
“Has he?” Moira asks.” Look I know you and dad and a lot of people seem to trust him. But he knew Hoffman and then he advised we send Natalia to the school where Mr. Pedo happened to be a teacher?”   
“Well he did say Hoffman made a recovery. He was his doctor, he should know best right?” Claire argues.   
“Yeah but do you think Haupman would make such a mistake?”   
“Everybody makes mistakes.” Claire said. “Besides Hoffman insisted he was alone in this.”   
“Claire.” Moira’s tone changes.” Remember when we were back on that island and Neil was acting strange the whole time but you didn’t want except it?”   
“Yeah, what of it?” Her tone turns harsh.  
“You need to face the facts.” Moira says. “This whole mess started after Natalia transferred to that School. And you know when it got worse?”   
“After the forest incident right?”   
“Yeah, remember when Haupman offered to use hypnosis on her to “suppress Alex”. Things got worse after that.”   
“Maybe it just didn’t work. Hypnosis is sketchy at best.”   
“So why would such a professional doctor suggest using a sketchy thing like that?” Moira questions.   
“I’m not a doctor. I don’t know.”   
“But is does seem suspicious right.”   
“It’s circumstantial evidence, Moira. We can’t prove he is involved.”   
“I know but still it feels strange somehow. “   
“I know, you miss Natalia. I miss her too but she might not be coming back.” Claire said.   
“You don’t seem too upset.”   
“I’m… I’m not happy about it but I can’t change things. “   
“I know.” She sighs” So you and the Overseer getting on okay?”   
“Well, I guess. I still can’t figure her out but it’s like she’s a different person from that crazy woman.”  
“Yeah?”   
“She made dinner. It was actually good.”   
“And she didn’t poison you?”   
“I’m here as you can see.”   
“So have you been able to get her to talk?”   
“Not really. She did say she started collage when she was twelve. Can’t imagine what that’s like.”   
The conversations was interrupted by her phone going off.   
“Hello?”   
Claire’s eyes went wide  
“What?! Where?”   
Moira looks over at her questioningly.   
“what happened?” 

Barry looks over at the picture. It’s the one they took during Halloween. He can’t believe the girl is the picture is not Natalia. He can’t believe that little girl he had grown to love is gone. The hideous monster from the island. He still remembers it. Grips the frame in anger. The glass cracks right over the face of Natalia. Suddenly there is a loud pounding on the door. He gets up angry. Wants to tell them to go away.   
There is a boy with long hair kneeling over on the porch. Blood dripping from where he is gripping his stomach. It snaps him out of rage. The boy reaches out to him. Grabs the leg of his pants.   
“Natalia.. They took her...”


	20. You and Me and The Devil Makes 3

“I just like rolling a stone up a hill in Hades  
You want to lie with me, you're going to be a liar  
Hell-flavored, I've got mood poisoning  
It must be something that I hate  
I'm just a prison of property  
Buckets full of better misery  
There's not a word for what I want to do to you  
There's not a word for what I want to do to you  
(There's not a word for what I want to do to you)  
(There's not a word for what I want to do to you)  
You and me and the devil makes three” - You and me and the devil makes 3, Marilyn Manson

They leave in a hurry. She is anxious. Claire might have come back already. There could be a city wide search going on. Her phone was at home, well one of the two at least. To avoid tracking. The second one was a secret, she only got it contact Natalie. Incase Claire searched her phone. The call she could hide, say it was from school but the dirty texts or the pictures Natalie took of her tied up and bloody.   
Eliot is walking behind her, he yells something. She turns around. Looks at him. Feels a hand cover her mouth. Another grabs her waist. She thinks it’s them. The B.S.A.A. A bag covers her head. Then she hears a gun shot. A needle to her neck and it all fades to black.  
The shaking wakes her. The jerking and bouncing of a car in motion. Another bump in the road. She groans as her head hits against something. The bag is removed from her head. Now she realizes this is not the B.S.A.A. she is not being transported to prison.   
“Hello, Dr. Wesker” Haupman greets her.  
He sits on the seat across from her. Ropes tie her to the seat.   
“You” she glares.  
“I hoped we could be friends. “ he says “ Sadly, your refusal to cooperate left me no choice. “  
“Spare me the bullshit. This was your plan from the start” she is dazed, talking slowly.   
Her vision is spinning. Something in her system. He sighs.   
“I hoped you would work with me willingly. Show me how to achieve what you have achieved.”   
“So that was this all about.” She scoffs “you want immortality.”  
“I am not the only one, Dr. Wesker. Many do. The greatest minds of our time could live on for generations. Money would be a small price to pay.”  
He wanted to sell her invention, to profit from it. To make others like her. It was never her plan to share it with the world. It was meant for her and Albert, if he had lived. No one else. It was meant to make her god.  
“And what was your plan, Doctor? To have Hoffman kidnap me? Let him have his way with me and swoop in to save me? I will tell you nothing!”  
He sighs again.   
“I was never going to let him hurt you. Merely to pressure Natalia. From the data I gathered, I was able to figure out that moments of stress seemed to trigger a change in her. So I waited for the right time. The process of maturing put’s a lot of stress on the body and with pressure from the outside I was certain that an awakening was possible.”   
Eliot. The bullying. Burning down the house, the special place she shared with Lucy. Lucy who made her happy and reduced her suffering, who got in the way of the plan. The kidnaping made so much more sense.  
“How long have you planed this?”   
“Why did you think I agreed to become Natalia’s psychiatrist in the first place?”   
“You planed this from beginning”  
“I’ve treated many people in my life and I’ve learned one thing. Some people are useful to keep around.”  
“So you’ve cleared them and locked away the ones that didn’t comply.”   
He nods.   
“They held potential to develop into something great so I provided them with the means to do so. Take Robert for example. He was lost, misguided.”  
“You mean a pedophile.”   
“While his desire was unorthodox he had other uses, hidden talents. I merely encouraged him. After all they never found out about it. “   
She doesn’t know what he means.   
“I suggested to him once that it would be therapeutic to kill his wife. After all she was the cause of his suffering. They never caught him for it. Never found the body. Nor what happened to the little girl.”   
“You made him a killer.”   
“No. he already was one, I just made him realize it. To see his full potential.”   
So that’s when he meant when he said that Hoffman got better. Did he see potential in her too? She had killed, even enjoyed it. Had learned to enjoy it.   
“And did he realize it?” she asks, knowing the answer.   
“No, but he helped another realize it.”   
“What about my potential?” she says, taunting.   
He looks at her, no deception. Inspects. As if he is analyzing her, trying to truly see her potential.   
“I thought you were someone else.” He says.   
She looks at him questioningly. He looks almost sad.   
“I wanted you to be someone else. But you are not.”   
He wanted her to be somebody else? It sounded strange.   
“You wanted me to be like you.” she says, understands.” A psychopath.”   
He smiles, a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.   
“I doesn’t matter anymore. I didn’t go to New York just to work on a case. My friends in the F.B.I. gave me something.” He says, take out a vial of something.” You will tell me everything I want to know. But for now it’s time to go back to sleep.”   
He sticks another needle into her.

Smoke. Black smoke. White smoke. Grey. She sees it once again. This place that has caused her so much doubt. Her old self stands in the black. Natalia in the white.   
“Well I guess it’s the end.” She says.   
“We need to talk.” He other self says.” In private.”   
The space changes. Now it’s Spencer’s office.   
“Why the secrecy?” she wonders.  
The old Alex leans against the table, arms crossed on her chest.   
“She is a child. And there are things she doesn’t understand. “   
“So what is this about?”   
“You must have noticed it already. The truth.”   
She bows her head.   
“You’re the original me. “   
“I am.”   
“So what am I? And why are you not in control?”   
“To put it simply. You are you. Whoever you want to be. “   
“But I have the same memories as you.”   
“Yes. But you are completely different.”   
“Am I?”   
“Look at yourself.”   
Soddenly there is a mirror. She is younger, the hair half red. She has earrings, a punk band t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans. She got a tattoo.   
“That’s not the only difference.” The old Alex says.   
She looks at her puzzled.   
“What I copied, created, was more than the mind. It didn’t just transfer memories. I transferred something else.”   
“What?” she is genuinely confused now.   
“A soul. Well part of one”   
She can’t believe the words she is saying.   
“Grind the body into finest dust and show me one grain of a soul.”   
“Believe it or not, it’s true. My soul, Natalia’s and you. You wanted to know why you have control. This is why. Me and Natalia. We could not co-exist. We fought for control. And then there was you, a fragment, an incomplete being. You had a fragment of my soul and the rest followed after my second death, seeking to be reunited. But it didn’t work. They remained separated. You were already your own being. Just incomplete.. And when Haupman tried to break into our mind it became obvious that he would get what he was after.. I tried to hold it back. But he kept pushing. Eventually Natalia tried to help me. But she couldn’t do anything. We were only two When Natalia slept I was awake. Unless there was a third we had no way of stopping him. Then we could both exist in the background. So we each gave up a part of ourselves to make you complete...”   
“No.” she shakes her head.   
“You don’t need to believe it but it’s the truth. What I’ve done cannot, must not be repeated. “   
“How do we stop Haupman then?”   
“Don’t worry about that.” Alex says.   
“You should have let me die. Then this wouldn’t have happened.” She says to her other self.   
“Sorry. That’s not an option, darling..”   
“You’re still afraid of dying!” she accuses the older woman.   
“No. That’s not it.”   
“Then what?”   
“You will understand one day.”   
“I want to understand now.”   
Alex laughs.   
“You won’t believe it. “   
“Tell me anyways”   
“Well, like I said before. There is three of us. Three souls in one body – a trinity. So all the suffering and karma is tripled as well. The cross you bare is meant for three people. But as the pain is tripled so is the joy. “   
“What joy do you mean?”   
“Well, you’ll have to wait and see.”   
“And what about you?”   
“We made a choice to live through you. So live for the three of us.”   
The room fades. She sees Natalia standing there pouting.   
“What gives?”   
Alex just laughs.  
“You’re just a child. Besides, I know myself better.”   
Natalia gives her a sad look.   
“Maybe I don’t understand everything. But that doesn’t mean you can just shut me out.”   
“If you’re going to argue – I’m leaving.”   
“Go ahead. It’s almost time anyways.” Alex says.   
“I still don’t believe it.” She says.   
“You don’t need to believe it. “Natalia says.” Deep down you already know it.”   
She wonders about that.   
“If Souls exist then…” She doesn’t want to finish that thought.   
“Don’t even think it.” Alex says.   
She doesn’t say it but she thinks it. What about God? What about Hell. If Souls exist than what else exists? Accepting one means accepting all. She can’t do that. It’s too much. Fate, Karma, God, Souls, life beyond death, what is true? Is it God, or Zeus, or Buddha? And why hasn’t he done anything to save her? If he exists than why did he let these things happen to her? No, it can’t be real. It can’t be true. She cannot accept it. None of it. This is a dream and she is already waking up. 

Natalie stands over her. The vision comes into focus. She is in a room that she recognizes. It was the same one from the video. It’s smaller than it seemed in film. She is on her back, chained to the wall. Her clothes are gone. It’s cold in the room. She feels heavy, sedated. Can’t move her limbs. Can’t turn her head. Natalie smiles.  
“You know I like you.” she says, leaning down to look at her” It was supposed to be a job. A onetime thing.”   
She runs her finger up her arm to a spot and presses down.   
“You never noticed it.” she grins” I put it in. a tracking chip.”   
So that was how they found her.   
“But I was happy you called me. I really enjoyed you.”   
She kneels down. Plants a kiss on her neck.   
“I love the way you fall apart. Just for me.”   
She kisses up to her lips. Alex want’s to bite her but can’t, her jaw feels heavy.   
“I’m going to miss you.” She says. “I’ve heard the serum has some nasty side effects. You will keep talking, say what he wants you to say. You’ll talk and talk until your brain melts and you can’t tell your memories apart. It’s like a lobotomy in a bottle.”   
Alex swallows heavily but the lump in her throat remains. A truth serum. Something that makes one speak the truth to any question asked. If such a thing had indeed been invented than there was no way she could keep her secrets.   
“Victoria!” Calls a voice from the other room.   
“Oh. I’ll be right back” she says” Then we can play some more.”   
Victoria? So even her name was a lie. Natalie, Not a lie. Clever. She wonders if it was her idea or if Haupman came up with it. The woman seemed to have some genuine care for her. But perhaps that too was an act. She could not trust it. Not anymore.   
Soon she is back, bringing a bag with her.   
“It wasn’t easy but I managed to convince him to let me play with you one last time.” she smiles cruelly.   
She doesn’t love or care the way a human cares and loves. She cares like a spoiled child cares for a new toy or some exotic new thing. A passing fancy. Like a child chasing a butterfly only to crush it in its hand and watch its trembling wings only to rip them off and toss them to ground before losing interest.   
“I was surprised you managed to catch Robert.” She says. “I wanted to meet you. But I never expected you to be like this.”   
She teases her, runs her hand down her body, and squeezes her breast. Her body responds, as it has been trained to do. Over the past weeks she had learned to associate this woman with both pain and pleasure. While she hates herself for it now, it’s pointless to resist. Soon it will all be over. Soon she will be a vegetable and Haupman will have what he wants. Might as well give in and enjoy it one last time. She lets a moan escape.  
“That’s it my pet.” Victoria laughs against her lips. “Show me how much you want it.”   
“You know. Robert once said I was like the daughter he always wanted.” She laughs.” He was a good student. I taught him everything. “   
Alex wants to laugh and ask if she knows what he did to his real daughter. But Victoria is moving her hand down her body. Teasing between her legs.   
“And to think I have Dr. Haupman to thank for it. He introduced me to Robert and to you.”   
Alex hates herself. Falling into a trap like this, but all the teasing is bringing her closer to the edge and she can’t stop a moan from escaping.  
“That’s it. Show me what a desperate slut you really are!” she stops, moves away, take something from the bag. “ I think you will love this”   
She holds a machine. It resembles the one Lucy had used for the tattoo only it had no ink. Only a needle that vibrates and etches the words into her skin. Draws blood, slowly. She runs it over the same spot, deepens it. Carving words under her breast. She can’t see it. Doesn’t know what Victoria is writing. Doesn’t need to. She can feel it with her own body. Each vibration, each stroke. It hurts more than a whip. Because it feels like she is carving into her very soul.   
Victoria stops. Marvels at her work. But it’s not done.   
“I have an idea. Of how exactly I want to remember you.”   
She doesn’t care anymore. The pain, the suffering. It will all be over soon. She awaits it. Feels the blood running down her sides, down between her legs. Then the whip hits her. It had always been her back before. It hits her arms, her legs, her breast, avoids the part with the fresh carving.   
“You’re so lovely.” She hears the snap of a camera.   
Her body still feels heavy. Victoria flips her over. Bends her so she is on her knees. Doesn’t leave a spot on her. All cut’s and bleeding wounds. Alex breathes heavy. Throat sore from the screams she tried to suppress.   
“You’re so beautiful.” Victoria is putting on the harness. “No matter how much I hurt you, you don’t beg me to stop. I love it!”   
Begging for mercy never got her any. Enduring, no matter how much it hurt was the only way. You will either endure or die, no other way that was how she was raised.   
“Now then” She grins “Let me show you show much I love you. Let me put my love into you.”   
She tries to hold on. To not think. Let herself feel. Make it last as long as possible. If this will be the last thing she experiences. She wants it to be pleasure. Tries to find a way to make it feel good. It’s big, the way it stretches her hurts. She feels her push in and stop. Looks up at the woman. She holds her phone. Snaps a picture.   
“This will be my memory of you.” she shows her.   
Alex want’s to fall through the ground, burn at the core of the planet. She is a bloody mess, legs spread, and the large black vibrator clearly visible between her legs, stretching her. The words “Pain Slut” carved under her breast. A tacky pink hear frame thrown over the image. The woman laughs, begins moving her hips. The cruel laughter echoes. Determined to rob even her last moments of any pleasure.   
She can’t even keep the illusion of love. Victoria or Natalie or whatever her name was, never loved her. She never cared. Never understood her. No one did. She was all alone. Since the moment Spencer and Umbrella had ripped her away from what home she might have had. The old saying goes that we are born alone and we die alone. She had been alone her whole life. No connection to anyone. She thinks of Him. Wonders if it had been real. She can’t trust it anymore, not even the love she felt for him. It’s all meaningless, an illusion, a lie. She lived a lie, in this cage of illusion. And here she will die. Nobody will mourn her. Nobody will care. No one will remember. They will toss her body somewhere in the woods and leave it to rot. She will return to what she has always been- nothing.   
Tears flow from her eyes. But it’s not the pleasure Victoria thinks it is. The relief of death that floods her. Once she had feared it, now she welcomes it. She is only vaguely aware of what the woman is doing to her. Drifting into her toughs. Disconnecting. Sinking deep into the abyss inside herself. Letting it devour her. Sink to the bottom and lie down. Victoria comes, moaning praises and filth. But Alex is gone. Doesn’t hear her. Doesn’t feel her pull out or leave the room. Complete absorbed in the feeling of loneliness, of the empty nothingness. All thought gone. Only this feeling that fills her- a void. She had run from it but now she had given in. let’s it eat away until all is gone. Until she is gone. Not much longer now. Just a little bit more and will be over.

Her consciousness drifts in. something is causing her to stir. Something is trying to bring her back from the bottom. A light above. But she doesn’t want to open her eyes. She wants to turn away from the light. Wants to tell it to go away. That it’s too late. To roll over on her side and keep sleeping until her body decays here. But she can’t move. Her body feels too heavy, restrained. Somebody touches her face. She wants to slap it away but her hands won’t move. Finally she feels too angry to remain asleep. Opens her eyes. A strangely familiar reddish hair comes into view. The woman is leaning over her. a hand on her face.   
“Redfield?” her voice is quiet.  
“We’ll get you out of here.” She says/  
It doesn’t feel real. She was supposed to be dead. Maybe wake up once or twice while Haupman was melting her brain but she hoped she wouldn’t. Let it all pass over her like a storm in the ocean, never touching the bottom.   
Suddenly she becomes more aware of things. Her arms still chained. The cut’s on her body. The cold in the room. She avoids looking at the woman. Embarrassed. Claire takes of her jacket, covers her with it. After all she must be quite the disgusting sight.   
“Really, you should be happy.” She says.   
Eyes darting around the room. It’s a different one from before. Medical tools and things that look like torture equipment are lined up on the tables. And IV line in her arm.   
“What?!” Claire says in disbelief.   
“Aren’t you happy, knowing I got to suffer at least a fraction of what I put you thought?”   
Claire’s face has a look of utter shock, but Alex can’t see it.   
“How could I be happy about this?”   
“We are enemies.” She says like it’s the simplest thing.   
Claire shakes head, tries to put together an answer.   
“We might be.” She says.” But even if we are. I’m not happy about this.”   
“I know why. “ Alex turns, looks at her now.” Because you’re not the one who got to do it.”   
Claire is shocked again.   
“No.”   
“Come on.” She looks around the room.” there is plenty of stuff here. Why don’t you show me how you really feel?”   
Claire surveys all the tools with horror.   
“I’m not like you. I can’t do something so fucked up.”   
“No. You would have just killed me.”   
Claire want’s to say she wouldn’t have. She was supposed to take her in, arrest her. But deep down she wanted to kill her for all of it. At least back then she did.   
“You’re angry, because I robed you of it. Well, I can’t blow my own brains out right now, so go ahead do the honors.”   
She wonders what is taking the others so long to get here. If this conversation goes on much longer she might actually shoot her.   
“I didn’t want to then and I don’t want to now. “   
“Don’t lie.” She says.” I know you did. I killed your friends.”   
Claire bows her head. Remembers what she would rather forget.   
“Not that it matters. I’ll be dead soon anyways.” Alex sighs, “The stuff Haupman put in me will melt my brain.”   
She said what came to mind, words just pouring out. Memories, feelings she kept hidden. Things she wanted to say but never did.   
“You know this may be your only chance to learn anything you want to know. That truth serum seems to be working.”   
Claire wonders about that. A chance to learn everything. Just ask her and then let her die. Close the chapter. One less evil in the world. She shakes her head. No. She is not like Chris. She could never live it down.   
“Okay, than how about you tell me where the damn keys are so I could get you out of here?”   
“Victoria probably has the key.” She says.   
Claire looks up at her.   
“Okay, the others probably have her by now.” She moves to remove the IV.  
Still some liquid left on the bottom.   
“Don’t bother.” Alex says.” It’s too late.”   
“You really want to die that badly?!” Claire is in disbelief.  
But she is reminded of the hospital.   
“Does it surprise you?”   
“Yes.”   
She thought she knew why. Becoming immortal, becoming a god, escaping her sickness. But deep down the woman wanted to be dead?   
“It shouldn’t. Life is misery. Nothing wrong with wanting to end it.”   
Claire has no response to that.   
Her thoughts are becoming hazy, difficult to recall things. She feels tired just from trying. How long had Haupman been interrogating her before this?   
Barry makes his way down stairs just as she loses her consciousness again. He takes in the scene. The mansions, Raccoon city, the island, he had seen much horror. But this is still the same little girl he had grown attached too. Physicaly at least. The absence of clothes, the bloody wounds. The sad look on Claire’s face. The images of Lucy in that video still haunt his mind. The nightmare of every father. He is aware that it is Wesker but even so... For the first time he sees not the monster but the woman, the one he saw in that portrait. He also sees Natalia. Redirects his rage. Slams the door frame. Claire looks up at him.   
“We have to get her to a hospital. Haupman put something in her system.”   
“That bastard will pay for everything.”


	21. Youth

“We are the reckless  
We are the wild youth  
Chasing visions of our futures  
One day we'll reveal the truth  
That one will die before he gets there  
And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones  
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone  
We're setting fire to our insides for fun  
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home  
It was a flood that wrecked this  
And you caused it” -Youth, Daughter 

She looks around Spencer’s office. Wonders who it will be this time. The some swirls. The black door is open again. Sounds of moaning and hushed whispers coming from beyond it. She wonders if it’s Him.   
To her surprise it is Eliot who is sitting on the couch.   
“Eliot?”   
It surprises her because everyone else she met were people she knew in her old life. It surprised her, because everyone she met here was already dead.   
“Natalia? What is this place?” He asks confused.   
“It’s a dream.” She says, uncertain anymore.   
“Oh. That makes sense. “   
She feels awkward seen him there.   
“So anyways.” He says.” Since it’s a dream I guess I can say it. But it’s kind of hard to put into words.”   
“Just try.” She says.   
“Well I don’t know but I think I’m starting to fall for you.” he says embarrassed.   
She almost laughs. He looks cute, innocent.   
“I’m afraid it wouldn’t work out between us.” She says. “But I’m flattered none the less.”   
“Yeah. I figured as much.” He sighs. “You’re on a whole different level and I’m just a loser.”   
“No you’re not. You’re a kind person, I’m sure one day you’ll find someone who can appreciate it.”   
“Thanks for trying to make me feel better.” He says. “But it’s not that. It’s like I can’t explain it at times but deep down I know this how it meant to be. I’ve had this feeling for the longest time. Like I’m just running in place. Like I’m going to die soon.”   
Her look changes to one of concern.   
“You can’t possibly know that.” She says.   
“Ever since my parents broke up it’s been this way. Like no matter what I do it’s all pointless in the end. “   
It’s a feeling she knows well.   
“You can find something to do that will make you happy. You just have to look.”   
He shakes his head.   
“I’ve tried. But it just ends up dragging me down even more. “   
“Have you tried getting help?”   
“Yeah but I stopped going. The doc said I should try weed but I couldn’t afford the medical kind. That’s how I got addicted to this shit.” He takes a drag of a cigarette that just appeared out of nowhere.   
“And yes, I’ve tried quitting.” He says” but I just ended up drinking instead. I know I’m just a loser. I don’t have the will power to get over my addictions. I can barely keep myself in school. I thought I could get a hot girl but it ended up being some fucked up sadist. My parents don’t give a crap about me. Nobody does.”   
She crosses her arms around her waist.   
“I’m sorry you feel this way.” She says. “I think you’re a good person. You’re kind and gentle. You’re carring. And you can always try again- to quit. Get your grades back up too. No reason to give up.”   
He smiles a little.   
“I don’t know. I just had this feeling for year’s now- that I’m not going to live to be old. Maybe that’s why I never tried much. “   
“You can still turn it around.” She says, wishes it to be true.   
“Maybe. I’m glad I met you. I’m sorry for the rant. Didn’t mean to dump my problems on you.”   
“It’s alright. Sometimes we just need somebody to listen.”   
“And sorry about ya know, all that stuff Hoffman made me do. “  
She shakes her head, smiles.   
“You don’t need to be sorry. He’s the one who should be.”  
“Well. I guess I’ll see ya around.”   
He gets up, walks to the door. Stops to waive at her. There is a sinking feeling that this is the last she will ever see of him. She wants to stop him. To reach out and pull him back but he is gone. The darkness swallows him up and the door closes. Disappears. 

Alex opens her eyes. Tears roll down. A heavy weight on her chest. Blurry visions takes time to focus. The ceiling is white. Light coming in from the right- a window. She tries to sit up. Weak. Barely manages. Muscles ache. How long was she asleep for? An IV in her arm. Something clear and a packet of blood, ready to be hooked up. A nurse walks in, gasps in surprise and runs out. 

Claire rushes to the room. Apparently Alex was awake. It has been two and a half days since they got her out of the basement. They did what they could to get her blood clear of the serum. Even resorted to blood transfusions. She had remained unconscious the whole time. They weren’t sure she would wake up or if she would be coherent once she did. The serum had been an experimental one. Dr. Haupman had stolen it with some help. It was known to cause medium to severe brain damage to those who receive it. Haupman was arrested and transported to the US. Awaiting punishment for all his crimes.   
Alex is sitting up in bed when she enters. Déjà vu.   
Claire pulls up a chair. The girl isn’t looking at her. Despite all the heavy wounds she had, they were all gone by the time she got to hospital. They just healed on their own.   
“Hey. “ She is sure what to say or do “Natalia?’   
Not sure what she is hoping for.   
“Sorry, still me.” She says.   
Claire feels stupid for hoping the girl would just wake up once more.   
“Right. So, your injuries, healed up on their own. Mind explaining that?”   
“Probably the virus I infected Natalia with back on the island.”   
“But we checked her and she was clear.” Claire said.   
“It reacts to fear, remember?”   
Claire would like to forget but she never will.   
“But that doesn’t explain the healing”   
“It’s a strand of the T virus. Has all the same properties with some modifications. “   
Claire looks at her as if she was going to grow a second head any moment.   
“Don’t worry. That is why I froze her for six months, for her body to incorporate the virus into it. A mutation had not occurred in all this time so you don’t have to worry.”   
She sounds almost bored the way she is talking. Claire wonders. She has been wondering from the start. They had raided Haupman office and found a bunch of files detailing his sessions with Natalia and how he noticed a change in her sometimes. How he made a plan to bring Alex Wesker back. But the most interesting thing to Claire was the side note. : Even though she is a copy she should hold all the knowledge and memories of the original Dr. Wesker.”   
“Why did she do it?”   
Alex looks at her. Curious, surprised.   
“You’re aware of it then?” She asks.   
“You mean...”   
“That I’m not the real Alex Wesker. Just a digital copy of her memories, her mind uploaded into a human host.”   
“I had my doubts.” Claire says” I guess, since the beginning you never felt like the same person. But I guess I never really knew her so I just dismissed it.”   
“I didn’t immediately notice it myself.” Alex admits.   
“Does it really matter? You still have her memories, her personality. You are in essence her. Like a clone. “   
Alex shakes her head.   
“Maybe. But I don’t have to make her mistakes.”   
Claire nods, agrees.   
“No, you don’t. You escaped from the sickness that plagued the original. So what now?”   
“I don’t know. “ She says. “Depends on what the B.S.A.A. decide to do with me.”   
“That maybe a while.” Claire sighs. “So what was her sickness anyways?”   
Alex is silent for a moment.   
“One that has no cure.”   
Claire sighs, again with the cryptic answers.   
“The one eating away at her body was not the one she sought to escape.”   
Talking about it like this somehow made it easier. Like it didn’t happened to her but to somebody else.  
“What do you mean? “ Claire looks confused.   
“Her true sickness was something she could not escape no matter what – heartbreak.”   
Claire bows her head. It’s a feeling she knows. She’s felt it when her parents died. When Raccoon city happened. When Steve died. When she lost her friends and coworkers over and over. She thought she had become numb to it but deep down it still hurt. It always did, she just got good at pretending it didn’t.   
“It was Wesker wasn’t it...”   
She says nothing. Only nods slowly.   
“I’m sorry.” The words just come out, before she can even realize it.   
She imagines how it would feel to lose Chris. It already tears her apart ,even just the thought.   
Alex looks at her. Searchers for lies and deception. Finds none.   
“You wanted to know about the Wesker Project.”   
Claire’s head snaps up.   
“How did you?”   
“I know you were looking in to it.”   
“Yeah, I was. “   
“Project Wesker was named after the man in charge of it. It was started by Oswell E. Spencer after the discovery of a special virus in Africa. The goal of the project was to create a superior breed of human beings that shared in his ideals and replace humanity with them. The project began in 1960. “She sounded like she was reading a report. 

“The test subjects were acquired from various countries. Children born to parents of superior intelligence or physical ability. They were adopted, purchases or kidnaped. Brought to special institutions where they had their memories of the previous life altered. Those who met the requirements were then brought to the facility where they received education and were instilled with the ideals and values of Oswell E. Spencer. They were all given the surname Wesker.”   
Claire was trying to wrap her head around it. The way she spoke was emotionless, as if it didn’t happen to her.   
“The experiment started the first phase of testing in 1971, by having most of the candidates injected with the virus in its raw form. This resulted in the deaths of all participants. Thirteen of the very best were selected to advance to phase two. The subjects had to be completely unaware of the project. Having their memories of the facility altered for that purpose. They were sent to live among families selected for them or to other institutions. All of their actions were being monitored in secret to determine if they were worthy to receive the virus. After a weaker strand of the virus was created half of the thirteen were infected. Out of them only one survived. Subject 13. Albert Wesker. After his death in 1998 the remaining subjects were infected. Once again all but one died. With the death of the last remaining subject in 2011 the project is concluded to be a complete failure.”   
“How do you know all this?” She asks” If it was kept secret from the subjects? “   
She sighs.   
“Because I was there… in that basement...” the image surfaces and she closes her eyes. “Because for some reason I never completely forgot. Spencer knew this that was why he made the Overseer of the project. “   
Claire remembers the drawing. The graves Haupman showed her. The image of the girl.   
“You worked for Umbrella even though you knew?”   
“I wanted to know if it was real.” She says.” I had to know the truth. But by the time I got to it, it was too late to get out.”   
Kidnapping, brainwashing it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her. Claire knew Umbrella was fucked up. But now she got to see the other side of it. She was aware of the monsters they made in labs. Born from viruses inside test tubes. But now she was aware of how they made monsters of people, warping their minds into something twisted and inhuman. People who did horrific things without remorse, acted like they had the right to do it. How else it could be possible that everybody working for the company was a complete psycho?   
“Did you ever try to find your parents?” Claire asks.   
Alex shakes her head.   
“The reports stated that most parents were disposed of to prevent intervention.”   
“Jesus… why am I surprised? Claire shakes her head “So Alex is not even your real name?”   
“Its Александра, supposed to be Russian. But they changed it to Alex. Most names were kept as they were.“   
„I apreciate you telling me, but why?“   
„Maybe that truth serum hasn‘t worn off complelty.“   
„Well, i better let doctor know“ she says half jokingly.  
Claire get‘s up. Looks at the vase of white lilies on the table, takes a box of chocolates besides it.  
„i‘ll leave you to enjoy these.“   
Alex sees the flowers for the first time. The box is white, shaped like a heart. The memory brings tears to her eyes. She looks away.   
„What‘s the matter.?“   
„Who sent these?“   
„I don‘t know.“ Claire Says.“ They were here this morning when the nurse came in to check up.“   
She opens the box. Can‘t help the smile. Claire looks confused.   
„ It couldn‘t be...“ She says.  
„Am I missing something?“   
„It‘s nothing.. can‘t beleive they still make these.“ She takes a chocolate and put‘s in her mouth.   
Claire leaves still confused.   
Alex closes her eyes. The taste brings back memories. Of that day. It was the day of her doctare presentation. She wasn‘t all that nervous about it. She knew she her stuff, after all it was her own work. Spencer was there, even Daniel. And it put her in a bad mood. Knowing the old man was there only to judge her, to put extra presure on her. To make her slip up and fall, so he would have the reason to deny her the answers she wanted. She took that anger and used it to fuel her. The extra energy and determiantion leaving the evalution comity speachless. She got the highest mark that day. But she didn‘t feel happy. She knew it was stupid, but she hoped He would be there. Of course why would he? She knew he was on a mission, somewhere away. But even if he wasn‘t. Why would he? They were coworkers nothing more. But when she get‘s home, refusing to go anywhere to celebrate despite Daniel pesterign her, and finds the flowers outside her door along with the chocolate she knows it‘s from him. Hidden at the bottom of the box is a note.“ Congradulations. She knows the handwriting, elegant and smooth- His. Then she recalls seeing Wiliam‘s car parked outside. Even if he can‘t be there, he still cares, just knowing it makes her happy.   
She takes the candy out of the box. Sure enought there is a note there. It says“ Get Well Soon.“ On the other side is a number 303. The handwriting is unfamilair to her. It‘s elegant but diferent. She wonders who it is. After the doctors examine her, and the test seem to drag on forever, she slips out of her room. No guards this time. Follows the room numbers to the one on the note. To her surprise Claire and Barry are outside the room. She pauses, feeling unsure, wanting to flee before they noticed her. But Claire notices.   
„Alex?“ it‘s the first time she call her by her name.   
Barry looks at her too.   
She looks at the floor. Tries to come up with an explanation. But the man speaks first.   
„You owe him your life. „ His looks is strern but the pure burning hate is now gone.   
She doesn‘t know what he means. But then she rememebrs.   
„Eliot. Is he okey?“   
She rememebers the gun shot she heard.   
„He‘s in critical condition.“ Claire says.   
„What happaned.“   
„You don‘t know?“ Claire asks.   
„I heard a gun shot before they took me away but I don‘t know anything else.“   
„He‘s the reason we found you.“ Barry says.   
It‘s her turn to look surprised. She had him drop her off near Barry‘s house once, back when she still living there.   
„He showed up at my door bleeding ,with a gunshot wound and said you were kidnapped.“   
Barry explained how Eliot refused to go to the hospital and insisted they call the police. He told them about Victoria and the middle aged man in a fancy suit. From the description it sounded like Haupman but nobody could believe it. Eliot told them about the stuff Victoria was involved with. Claire went to Haupmans office and founf all sorts files that proved he was the culprit and linked him to many other criminal cases. She also found out the location from the files. While Barry and Eliot were talking to the police and tryign to get more people from the B.S.A.A. on scene.   
Alex recalls her dream. It almost seemed like Eliot was saying goodbey. She doesn‘t beleive in prophetic dreams. Nurse rushes out of the room. More people come running. They rush him out of the room. She only sees a glimpse of him on the bed. Oxygen mask over his face. He is here only because he tried to help her. Now it looks like he might actualy die.   
She sits outside the operating room. Not sure why. She never gave him much thought, used him like a tool. But she didn‘t want him to die. He had showed her he could be kind and carring. Probalby more than she deserved it. She had gotten Lucy into a similar mess, now another person was sucked in. Panicked voices beyond the door. The sound of a defibrilator going off. And she wishes desperatly that he would live.   
Claire put‘s her jacket over the girls shoulders. She looks up at her.   
„So was he a friend too?“   
„Just a classmate.“ She says not looking at her.   
„You were with him when it happaned.“   
She feels her face heat up. How much did he say?   
„It was for school work. I know I broke the rules. I didn‘t plan to get kidnapped.“   
Claire has an unreadable expresion on her face.   
„No, i don‘t think you did.“ Claire agrees“ but still, you broke the rules.“   
„Better lock me up somewhere then. Because you never know who else might be after the things i know. That‘s why i told you to jsut let me die. There are plenty of fools outhere that want immortality. That want my technology. Who knows how many Haupman had told about it already? As long as i‘m alive i‘ll be hunted.“   
Claire sighs.   
„You‘re right about that. As long as you exist there will be people after you.“


	22. You're Not Here

Chapter 22 You’re Not Here  
“Blue sky to forever  
The green grass blows in the wind, dancing  
It would be a much better sight with you, with me  
If you hadn't met me, I'd be fine on my own, baby  
Never felt so lonely, then you came along  
So now what should I do?  
I'm strung out, addicted to you  
My body aches, now that you're gone  
My supply fell through” – You’re not here, Akira Yamaoka

She doesn’t believe it when she hears it. Claire is presenting the case to both Terrasave and the B.S.A.A.   
“So, as I’ve stated before. The effects cause by the hypnosis and the combinations of drugs and stress caused the consciousness of Alex Wesker to surface. With these factors eliminated Natalia has returned to normal. I request the monitoring be suspended and she would be allowed to return to a normal life.”   
There is a murmur among the people in the room. Claire smiles at her, takes her hand walks her out of the room. Alex does her best to smile.   
“Why?” she asks in the car.   
“It’s like you said. As long as you exist people will target you for the knowledge. If everybody thinks your gone it will be for the best. I guess you’re free now. You can do whatever you want.”  
Alex is still in disbelief.   
“Redfield.”   
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on you.” She takes out a small device.   
It’s a tracking device. Then she recalls the chip Victoria put into her.   
“It’s just going to me now.” Claire says. “But don’t think for a moment I won’t come to kick your ass if you try any of that take over the world crap.”   
“You know I could always just remove it.” Alex says, teases.   
“Well, for one it’s been relocated. And if you do, I’ll assume you’re up to something and then I’ll come for you.”   
“Seriously?” Alex shakes her head.   
“Or I could go back and tell everybody that you’re still alive.” Claire says.   
“Thank you.” She says, eyes meeting in the mirror.   
She remains living with Claire, for a time. Preparations are being made for her to return to live with Barry. Of course he is aware of the lie. Chris too. But they keep silent. Claire managing to convince them it was for the best for now. The less people knew about her existence the safer it would be for all of them. After all Haupman was somebody trusted by many institutions. But his betrayal proved that nobody was safe. Anyone could turn against them for the selfish desire of immortality. Until they knew who could be trusted, and that would take time, they would act like it was just Natalia.   
It came as a complete surprise but at the same time like a weight being lifted. She was free. Not even sure if she knew what the meant. Not sure she knew how to be free. What was she going to do with her life now? A couple years of high school remained. College or university seemed like the logical next step. She had forgotten that over the commotion Natalia turned 16. She supposed science was always an option. But she already knew enough about biology and viruses to write a book about it. Perhaps something new was in order. She still had time to figure out what she wanted to do. 

Lucy was back in school. Still not attending a full day of class, it made her too exhausted. But her presence definitely made things livelier. Alex showed her the new place she had set up. Lucy was in cloud nine, having a whole building just for them. They had to keep things quiet, considering it was connected to the school and loud music could be heard across the walls. But she would only be here for two months, until school was done. After that they were moving away.   
She sees Eliot looking at them from across the hall. He made it out alive. Alex wanted to thank him but with Lucy around it was difficult. Knowing how she hated him before. She could try telling Lucy the truth but decided against it. Maybe later, when more time passed.   
It’s after Lucy has left for the day that she texts him. It’s been a couple of weeks since she’s been out of the hospital. Somethings had to be done in person. So she waited for the right time. She had noticed him watching her a few times. Sometimes in class. Sometimes in the crowded hallway. He never approached them just watched. Lucy noticed. Called him a creep.   
“I’m alone. You know where to find me.” She sends him the message and waits.   
She isn’t sure he will show up. Perhaps he has gone home already. But half an hour later she hears the door open. Somebody is here. She stops typing, reworking the program, with the probability of souls existing. Still unable to believe it.   
It is Eliot. But he looks different somehow. His hair is not long anymore. It’s much shorter and slicked back. He isn’t wearing the old hoodie and baseball jacket anymore and the jeans look new. A shirt neatly tucked into them. New elegant shoes as well. She can’t help the laugh that escapes. He raises an eyebrow at her.   
“Is something wrong?”   
“No.” She gets up, inspects him.   
The short sleeves of the shirt show off his muscular arms. This look reminds her of Him.   
“I did like your long hair.” She says.   
“Oh, ah, I felt like I needed a change. “still awkward like always.  
She nods, approves.   
“It suits you.”   
“So, you wanted to see me?”   
“Well, yes. You did save my life.” She says, leaning against a desk.   
“I’m glad you’re unharmed.” He looks at her, awkwardly.   
“And what about you? You could have died!”   
He looks at her.   
“No one would miss me.” He says.   
“That’s not true.”   
The dream was true after all, she realizes.   
“Thanks for saying that, Natalia.” He tries to give a smile.   
“I mean it.” She does.   
He looks surprised. She approaches him and he looks like he wants to move back.   
“I thought you said that you weren’t interested.”   
“I’m not. But you’re a good person. And I know you’ll find someone who will be right for you.” She sighs.” It’s not because of you. I just don’t want to be in a relationship right now, with anybody. “   
“Oh, that’s fine. You’ve been through a lot.”   
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.” She says, put’s her arms around him.” Really, thank you.”  
He returns the embrace awkwardly. He feels tense somehow. She feels him against her, his warmth. There is a hint of that scent- His. And she wonders how is it possible for two different people to have the same scent. She loses herself in it, nuzzles her face in the crook of his neck, and holds him tightly. Doesn’t want to let go. She knows it’s wrong. Eliot is Eliot. Albert is dead. Even if she bleached his hair blond and made him wear sunglasses everywhere he would still be Eliot. A poor imitation. Nobody can replace Albert or what he meant to her. All she can do is pretend, but deep down she knows it isn’t real. Even so, the longing for him is just as strong.   
“Natalia.” He says, still holding her in this awkward embrace that has gone on too long. “ Can I ask you something.”   
She hums a yes into his neck.   
“Why does Lucy call you Alex?”   
She pulls away from him, reluctant. Turns away to face the wall. Tries to decide if she should lie or tell the truth. He did nearly die for her.   
“Because that used to be my name.” She says.   
“Used to be?”   
“In a previous life. “She says.   
He looks confused, as if trying to figure out if this was a joke or not.   
“You can say that this body is reincarnation. But I still have all my memories of the person I used to be”   
“Who was that person?”   
She turns, doesn’t look at him. Eyes wander over the lab equipment.   
“ I was a scientist, working for the Umbrella Corporation. In Raccoon city. Those events you read about in history class, the bioweapons- I’ve made some of them.”   
He looks at her, takes a step closer.  
“Alex”   
She turns, faces him.   
“But I don’t want to be that person anymore. What I did was wrong, I see that now. If you thought Victoria was fucked up then I was probably twice as fucked up. I want to change that. Be somebody different.”   
He looks shocked.   
“I don’t blame you for not believing it.” She says.” After all it sounds pretty crazy.”   
He shakes his head.   
“I’m sorry. You must regret saving me now. “She says.” But you deserve the truth, to know what kind of person you’ve saved – a monster.”   
“No. I don’t think you are.” He says.   
“You weren’t there.” She says.   
“You’re brilliant.” He says, arms around her holding her against him.” You’re brave and kind.”   
She feels him kiss the top of her head. The scent enveloping her. It’s not fair to Eliot, but she wants him. Not for who he is but for who she wants him to be.   
“Keep up the flattery and I’ll start thinking that you saved me just to get in my pants.”   
He looks flustered now. She laughs a little.   
“You did.”   
“No, of course not.”   
She smiles.   
“Well, you did save me, regardless of your reasons. It’s only fair you get something out of it.”   
It’s purely selfish and she knows it. Grabs him by the shirt collar and pulls him into a kiss. But it’s not his mouth she imagines against her own. The scent makes it feel real. If she closes her eyes it’s like she’s kissing Albert. The height difference between Natalia and Eliot is about the same as theirs was. He is muscular form hard labor. She can feel his muscles thought the shirt. He responds to her kiss passionately. She knows this is wrong, that in the end it will end up hurting her even more and it will hurt him as well. Eliot deserves better. But she was always selfish and old habits are hard to kick.   
“Just this once.” She whispers to him.  
But these words are more for herself. Just this once.   
He says nothing, just nods. She undoes his shirt. He backs her into a desk. Suddenly reminded of a dream she had. She feels so turned on, needs Him. Though half lidded eyes her visions is blurry, it’s growing dark outside. The shadows in the room only adding to the illusion. She sits up on the edge of the table. He moves to stand between her legs. Pushes her jacket down, exposes her arms. Lips moving against hers. She feels him growing hard against her. His hands sliding under the t-shirt, pushing it up. She feels a little embarrassed. The words Victoria carved into her, she know they have healed, no trace left but she still feels them. He kisses her between her breasts. Hands moving to caress. It’s different from the two times she slept with him. This hunger is surprising but welcome. He touches a spot under her breast, kissing, biting. She moans. Wonders how he knew. Perhaps just luck. Then his hand moves to her side, caresses another spot where she liked to be touched. He seems to know her body even better than her and it drives her crazy. He finds all the right spots. She had to bite her lip to keep herself from calling out. The name on her lips is not Eliot’s after all. But he is making the illusion feel so real.   
Kissing down her stomach he stops. Looks at the tattoo. The light is dimming but still enough to see it. Up close the two skulls with arms reaching for each other, connected by the halo like ripples almost like saints or gods. He leans down and kisses it. Eliot never paid it any attention before. But she banishes the thought. Feels his hot mouth on the spot, tracing the drawing. It wasn’t that sensitive before. Perhaps the tattoo made it so. He keeps toying with her. So close to where she wants him to be. She reaches to undo her own belt but he grabs her wrists, pins them above her head. She gasps in surprise. He kisses her again, she feels his exposed shin on hers. He is so warm. His free hand moves to remove her pants. Thumb sliding in to tease her. She moves and rocks against it. He chuckles, placing a kiss on her neck.   
“So eager.”   
She swears she hears His voice. Feels him remove his hand. Holds her breath in anticipation. Hears the sound of him undoing his pants. Despite the urge to look him in the eyes she keeps hers closed. Recalls him over her, her breath hitching. He enters her. Sets a pace that is slow but deep. It’s something He used to do. She squirms against him trying to get more. He quickens the pace a little. She know it well, it will be drawn out, torturous and so very sweet. If only he moved little faster she would over the edge in seconds. But he doesn’t. Not yet. She doesn’t even question how Eliot know it. Lost in her illusion. Her lips move to form his name but she doesn’t dare to speak it out loud. And suddenly it changes. He begins thrusting fast and hard, a pace that is almost punishing. She comes, tosses her head back and screams. Feels him moving through her orgasm, prolonging it until he finds his own release. He lays on top of her. Tired. Breathing heavy.   
Finally she dares to open her eyes. Looks at his face. Wonders when his eyes became so blue. After a moment he moves away. Turns his back to her, tucks himself in. She pulls her shirt down to cover herself up. Kicks of her pants, leaving her” Converse “sneakers on and goes to the small washroom connected to the lab to clean up. She did keep a change of clothes in the lab. When she comes out, new jeans on, she is somewhat surprised to find him still there. She shoves her other jeans and underwear into her bag.   
“You won’t mind it if I call you Alex?” he asks.   
“Well, I let Lucy call me that, so why not. Just not around other people. It’s too hard to explain to everybody.”   
He nods.   
“I can give you a ride back.” He offers.   
She looks at the watch. It is late. The last bus back is in two hours. Or she could call Claire.   
“Thanks.” She gives him a smiles  
Notices that his eyes are the same brown they always were. Yet, she could have sworn they were blue. Perhaps she just really wanted them to be.  
She gets in the car. Tells him the address.   
“I am grateful to you for saving me. “ She says when they stop outside the apartment. “And as amazing as that was, it was just this one time. I really need to figure out a lot right now and considering that bad things happen to people that get involved with me I’d much rather deal with it alone.”   
“I get it.” He says after a long silence.” I’m just a distraction.”   
“I’m sorry. I really am. You deserve somebody that cares for you. Somebody better.”   
She gets out. Walks inside the building. He remains in the car. Presses his head against the wheels and slams the panel. 

She helps Lucy pack for the move. Lucy’s mother being overly grateful to the point that it makes both girls embarrassed. They are planning a farewell party next month.   
“So what’s the deal with you and Eliot?” Lucy asks.   
It catches her by surprise. She hesitates bringing up anything sexual, considering what happened to Lucy.   
“He isn’t that bad once you get to know him.” She says.   
“He burned down the house!”   
“Under Hoffman’s orders. “ Alex says.” So was the bullying. “   
Lucy sighs.   
“What a push over.”   
“I know, he can be sometimes.” She admits.” But he has his uses.”   
Lucy gives her a weird look.   
“Honestly I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to apologize to you in person.” Alex says.   
“He might have tried.” Lucy admits.” Not that I gave him a chance to.”  
“What did you do?”   
“Told him to get lost and never show his face unless he wants to get punched.”   
“Well, I already did.” She confesses.   
Lucy looks at her, eyes wide.   
“No.”   
“I did.”   
She tells her the whole story about how she found out Hoffman was involved.   
“So really Eliot is part of the reason you got rescued.” Alex says.   
“Oh crap. I need to apologize.” Lucy says.   
“You should.”   
It seems so easy to tell others to do the right thing. But when it comes to doing it, she can’t. She told herself it was only going to be once. But she found herself thinking about it again. It wasn’t fair to both of them. She knew she needed to get over it. Albert was dead, no amount of pretending would change that. But her feelings for him just wouldn’t die.   
She observes him from far away. Afraid that if she gets close she will lose her determination to stay away. It’s difficult because he seems to be spending more time in the library. He actually seems to be studying instead of goofing around or smoking with his buddies. She knows what she feels for him is not love. It’s purely physical. She knows it’s wrong because deep down she loves somebody else, wants somebody else. Staying away is the best for both of them.   
Lucy makes her apology. He looks somewhat surprised.   
“Ale… I mean Natalia told me everything. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t punch you. Also thanks for helping to get me rescued.” She just blurts it out like one giant sentence.   
Alex smiles a little. He looks at her confused not sure what she just said.  
“Okay, I guess.”  
“She meant to say sorry.” Alex stands behind her friend, avoids making eye contact.   
“Yeah.” Lucy said “Sorry and thanks.”   
“oh, sorry I caused you trouble. And about the house.” He says.   
“The new place more then makes it up for it.” Lucy says. “You should hang out with us sometime.”   
Alex feel her heard drop. But how could she possibly tell Lucy that it’s not a good idea.  
“Uh, thanks. But I got a lot of classes I need to catch up on.”   
“Later then.”   
“Yeah, later.”   
Alex feels relieved that he refused. Then he catches her eyes. She quickly looks away. It’s obvious he refused because of her.   
“At least you won’t be alone when I’m gone “She hears Lucy say.   
“What? You mean Eliot?” she tries to laugh it off.   
“I’m not stupid. There’s clearly something going between you two.”   
“I have no idea what you mean, Lucy.” She tries to get out of it.   
The girl give her the look of “Are you serious right now?”   
“You like him don’t you. “   
“No. I don’t.” She says. “He just remind me of somebody I used to know in a past life. But he’s dead.”   
“Oh. Sorry. That really sucks.” 

She knows she should just move on. But her feet are stuck in place. The ground is like quicksand that has swallowed them up. Lucy smiles and she tries to smile too. Pretend she is fine. Maybe eventually the feelings will pass. Maybe she will find someone new. Being positive was never a strong suite of hers. But she tries. Lucy makes plans for Collage in Seattle. They should apply to the same one and be roommates.  
“So, you’ll do science?” Lucy wonders  
“I don’t think so. “ Alex says. “Maybe something new. Something I haven’t done. That way it won’t feel like already know everything.”   
“How about photography?”   
“I don’t know about that one. Maybe something with books.”   
“Like publishing?”   
“Maybe more like writing.”   
Lucy laughs   
“What?! You don’t think I could write a book?”   
“I don’t think there is a degree for that.”   
“I was thinking about journalism actually.”   
“You get to meet a lot of people and write articles, yeah that sounds cool.” Lucy says. “But are you sure?”   
“It’s different enough from making bioweapons and killing people. “   
“Yeah. A good different.” Lucy says  
She stays the night over at Lucy’s place. Watches them leave to the airport early on in the morning. Most of the stuff was already sent away days ago. The few furniture left were being sold with the house.   
Claire has to go on a mission. Alex goes back to the Burton’s house. It feels strange. Being back after everything. Cid leaps at her and licks her face. She holds the cat in her arms. Lucy’s mother didn’t allow her to bring him with them and the Burtons were already used to it. She hangs the photo of her and Lucy on the bedroom wall. Gets rid of all the dresses Natalia owned. Lines up all the books she brought from Claire on the shelf. It was going to give her something to do in summer.


	23. Iris

Chapter 23 Iris  
“And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now  
And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
And sooner or later, it's over  
I just don't wanna miss you tonight  
And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am” – Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Summer had been torturous. Hot and it seemed like it would never end.   
It’s July 29th, her birthday or it would have been if she had been alive. 54. That’s how old she would be. But nobody knows. Nobody cares. The Burtons certainly wouldn’t. The date was approximate, since they couldn’t get a hold of all the birth certificates of the children they took. But it was calculated based on her age then. It’s what she was used to her birthday being. Not that she wanted to celebrate it. it was a stupid tradition. Everybody had to participate because they were made to, back in the orphanage. At work it was more of a formality. She didn’t enjoy it.   
The one thing she did feel was about was losing the necklace. It was buried somewhere under the rubble of the tower. It had been a birthday gift from Him. One of the few birthdays she did enjoy. Custom made, gold and onyx. She wore it all the time.   
The only thing she got for this one was frustration. Cid kept scratching at the door for her to let him in. then her dreams got really frustrating. It a mix of a memory and a dream. She knew He was waiting for her somewhere. They were supposed to meet. They were supposed get intimate. She wanted it so badly but people kept getting in the way. Giving her misguided directions. Nobody knew where exactly he was. She just kept running trying to find him only for him to not be there. Her frustration growing to the point she felt she would explode. Waking up didn’t really help. Feeling the heat in the room, sheets sticking to her from sweat. The intense feeling of arousal that she felt in her dream hasn’t gone anywhere. Cold shower doesn’t do much. The room feels so hot it’s like a sauna.   
She struggles with herself. The promise she made. To not get involved with Eliot. Picks up the phone only to toss it away moments later. She had been avoiding him at school, ignoring him. Her pride won’t let her beg. Her phone beeps. A message, from Eliot. He wants to see her and she feels almost happy yet hates herself for it. 

She meets him away from the Burtons house. Doesn’t want to be seen. He is dressed in a light blue shirt and dark pants, not jeans. And he is wearing darks sunglasses. Her heart skips a beat. She gets in the car. Expects him to drive back to his place but they take the road out of town.   
“Where are we going?” She finally snaps out of her fantasy.   
Hopping he would take back to his place and recalling how amazing the last time was. She was hopping she could convince him to keep the glasses on during.  
“You’ll see when we get there. “He says  
He seems confident, calm, collected. A lot less awkward. She is a little bit curious what it is all about. He pulls into a drive way of building that looks like a small mansion. She reads the name and can’t believe it. Eliot gets out and takes something from the back seat. He hands her a large box. Alex looks at him questioning.   
“Open it. “ He says.   
Inside is a dress. It’s white, not for a wedding, no, hints of a pale gold, it has tiny crystals decorating it. The shoulder straps are white feathers. It’s long on one side and exposes her leg up to the knee on the other. She looks at him in disbelief.   
“Put it on” He says.   
The windows of the car are dark, nobody can see inside. The dress is made in a way that’s easy to get on. No zippers in the back. It just slides on her body, the material feels cool – silk, she realizes. There are matching shoes with some crystals and feathers. She is in disbelief. Gets out the car, he takes her hand, helps her. Put’s on a jacket that seems to match the dress in color. Leave the glasses in the car. The man inside greet them.   
“A table for two?”   
“I’ve made a reservation.” He says. “Under Brown”   
The man checks his book.   
“Yes, this way.”   
The table is isolated, further away from others but gives a nice view of the entire room. She did not expect this. Especially not from Eliot.  
“How much did you spend?” She looks at him still in shock.   
“That hardly matters.” He says in a tone that doesn’t sound like Eliot at all.   
“You said you wanted to talk. What’s the occasion?”   
“Well I just thought I would be nice try something different. “  
“Well this is different alright. “   
“You don’t like it?” he questions calm.   
“I like it but it’s not what I expected.”   
“Not what you expected from a loser who works in a warehouse and spend all his free time getting high?”   
“Well, I didn’t say that. I can tell that you’re trying hard. And you’ve clearly made progress.   
But “  
The waiter brings them their menus. She continues when he leaves.   
“But when I said I didn’t want to be in a relationship I didn’t just mean you. And this is..”   
“Just a dinner between friends.” He says, suggests   
“Friends?”   
“I figured we could start slow. Until you’re done dealing with things. ”   
She doesn’t know what to tell him. . Maybe she could see him as a friend. A friend who takes her out to expensive restaurants and buys her fancy gifts and who sometimes sleeps with her.   
“Friends? Well now that Lucy moved away it’s kind of lonely.” She thinks. “I guess I could use a friend.”   
“Being friends. l I guess that’s alright. “  
She can’t turn him down. Not after all this. He clearly has feelings for her, spending money to impress her. Acting like it’s not a big deal, like he is used to living this way. She decided to allow herself to enjoy the evening and not worry about it. Looking over the menu she sees something familiar. It brings back memories of a time Albert had taken out to a restaurant. He gave her that necklace then. She orders it. Eliot orders a rare steak. The wine is good too. Technically they are both not of legal age but the waiter serves them none the less. She isn’t sure how he managed to do it.   
He excuses himself briefly. The musicians are playing, even though there aren’t many patrons in the restaurant. The song ends and they begin playing another. It sounds familiar. She thinks back to it. Remembers. The party at the mansion. It was the waltz that they had danced to that night. He stands beside her, reaches out his hand.   
“Would you care to dance?”   
She is speechless for a moment. Not sure if she should. It almost feels wrong but at the same time right. Alex stands, takes his hand. They are the only two dancing. She can smell his scent. Leans her head on his shoulder and pretends its Albert she is dancing with. Eliot can, to her surprise dance.   
“You’re full of surprises.” She murmur into his neck.  
“I’ve been uh... Taking classes.” He looks a little embarrassed.   
A reminder that he is Eliot. She wonders if she could fall for him. Learn to love the real Eliot. She realizes she doesn’t really know him. All their previous interactions were far from normal. Her punching him in face, forcing him to cooperate with her plan. Making a tool to be used. Fucking him just because he was there at the time she needed a distraction.   
This is the first time they talk for real. She digs her fork into the Black Forest cake.   
“ So, you’ve made any plans for graduation?”   
He looks like he didn’t expect that question.   
“Don’t worry, there’s still time. “ She says trying to be reassuring.   
“You’ve decided already?”   
“I’m going to Seattle with Lucy. She’s going into art.”   
“And you. “   
She smiles, saying it out loud still feels strange.   
“Journalism.”   
He looks surprised.   
“Are you certain? Wouldn’t science or medicine be better?”   
“I’ve already spent a lifetime with it. I want something new. After all it’s the very definition of insanity – to do the same thing over and over expecting for something to change. I want to be a different person. I have a chance at a new life. A chance the old me didn’t have. I can choose to do what I want. “  
Saying it makes her realize it’s true. She can choose, do what she wants. She is free.  
He looks at her. Surprised, perhaps amazed.   
“I don’t know if I can get my grades up enough before collage.” He finally says.   
“I’m sure you can. I can help you study, if you want.”   
He smiles a little.   
“Thanks. But I think I’ll pass on collage. My jobs right here. Education’s expensive.”   
“So is all this.”   
“Not that expensive.” He says.  
“I’m sure you can find some cheaper local one.”   
“Maybe.” 

He gives her a ride home. It was a pleasant evening. She had changed into her regular clothes, not wanting to be seen coming home in a dress like that. He didn’t kiss her, didn’t even touch her. Just opened the door for her and wished her a good night. She did enjoy it but deep down she still yearned for it. So many things to remind her of Albert in one place. And it would have made it complete. Feeling his body on her own. But he did say he wanted to take it slow, to be friends. And she guessed Eliot thought that sex was off limit. This was going to be a frustrating friendship. 

The New Year has started. Somehow she ended up in the same class as Eliot. Lucy has been texting her all morning, pictures of the new school. Pictures of her new room from before. She will be moving again, new apartment. Their own, no longer living with their relatives. The house got sold. Some family with two kids moved in.   
She sit’s next to Eliot, not because she wants to, but it’s the only seat that free when she walks in. Still a good distance away, opposite rows. In the very back. Hers is by the window. His in the middle.  
It’s literature class. Everyone had to pick a poem. The teacher is criticizing some for picking the shortest. The four best friends who have all picked the same one. Some guys who wrote it on his hand and tried to read it. she is bored with it. so is the teacher. Alex didn’t need to pick. She walks in front of the class and begins. Words that she didn’t need to learn.   
“ I weep for Adonais—he is dead!“   
It is not Adonais that she weeps for in her heart.   
“Oh, weep for Adonais! though our tears   
Thaw not the frost which binds so dear a head!   
And thou, sad Hour, selected from all years   
To mourn our loss, rouse thy obscure compeers,   
And teach them thine own sorrow, say: "With me   
Died Adonais; till the Future dares   
Forget the Past, his fate and fame shall be   
An echo and a light unto eternity!" 

Her grief is real. She wishes she could them all of the great man He had been. The man they never knew. The man erased from history.   
They listen, speechless. When she finishes the teacher begins to applaud and the class reluctantly follow. She doesn’t care about it. takes her seat quietly. Not many people are left now. She doesn’t listen much. Lost in thought and sorrow. It’s Eliot’s turn. She doesn’t turn her head away from the window, not until he begins to speak.   
“It was many and many a year ago.  
In a kingdom by the sea.  
That a maiden there lived  
Whom you may know by the name of Annabel Lee.” 

There is something in his voice. A sorrow, like he telling about something personal. She listens. 

“And this maiden she lived with no other thought   
Than to love and be loved by me.   
She was a child and I was a child,   
In this kingdom by the sea,   
But we loved a love that was more than love-  
I and my Annabel Lee.   
With the love that the winged seraphs of heaven  
Coveted her and me”

She is lost in his voice, the tone so much like –His. But He never liked poetry, or books unless it was science or somehow related to research. The teacher compliments him. Some of the girls in class whisper on how it’s kind of cute. A sad poem about a love lost. 

“Poe. I never expected that from you” she says when he takes his seat. 

He is blushing a little. 

“Well, I could say the same. Adonais? I didn’t know you liked Keats that much.” 

“Oh, it wasn’t for Keats.” She says. 

He gives her a curious look. 

“I had someone else in mind.” 

“Who?” He wonders  
“Somebody you don’t know.” She says.


	24. Shadowtime

Chapter 24 Shadowtime   
“Still inside, yet doubt survives  
It all begins, beneath the skin  
No-one is near, no-one will hear  
Your changeling song take shape  
In Shadowtime  
Turn your wish to a vapor, the silhouette fades  
Eclipse your blue eyes, and the outline remains  
From the house of the moon to the stars up above  
Amidst the comets, first sight of love  
So begins the countdown” – Shadowtime, Siouxsie and the Banshees

She tries her best to pretend. Take it slow. But it’s so difficult. Every time he is close to her, she can smell it. He is sitting next to her, reading, taking notes. She’s looking over his shoulder, making sure he understands. Her offer to tutor him. She regrets it now. While these moments can be enjoyable they are also frustrating. The want won’t go away. Every time she is close to him that desire ignites. She hasn’t been with anyone else, doesn’t want anyone else.   
The way he says something or does something that reminds her of Albert. She doesn’t know much more she can take it. This friendship is just a poor pretense. She knows he wants it too. Notices him blush when she leans in too close, breath on his neck, breasts against his back. The way he shies away when she tries to hug him. Friends do that, after all. He avoids touching her. Only her hand to help her out of the car. She can tell he is tense, feels it in his back. Runs her finger along his spine.   
“Alex!” he nearly gasps.   
She doesn’t stop, moves to rub his shoulders.   
“You’re too tense, relax.” She whispers, voice low, seductive.   
She feels him tense even more.   
“Friends help each other relax.” She says, convinces.   
He seems to hesitate. Swallows.   
“Alright.”   
She moves her hands, innocently at first. Rubbing the muscles along his shoulders. Determined to undo him, break him. He starts to relax, give in. She moves a hand up his neck, into his hair. The other down along his spine.   
“Why don’t you lean back a little.” She suggests.   
He does. Head touching her chest. He moves back, suddenly aware. Looking up at her, her chest right at eye level, the neckline giving a small glimpse. Face turning red. She almost laughs.   
“Oh stop it.” She says.   
Takes a step closer. He looks away, tries to get up. But she drops herself unto his lap.  
“Don’t pretend you don’t want this.”   
He looks surprised. She moves her hand between his legs, feels it.   
“Not here.”   
She is aware again, the library at the school. Evening. Empty for now. But the school is not. She nods. Gets up. He shoves his book in the bag. Doesn’t say anything. She follows. Gets into the car.   
In the end she didn’t even last a year. It’s not something she is proud of. But she tried. And she did try to be kind to him. Eliot had quite a charming side to him. And maybe it was because it she didn’t pay attention to it before or maybe because he was trying to change. He was smart too, picking up on things really quickly. Not what you’d expect from somebody who has barely attended class and dragged in the bottom for years. She wonders if he was trying to impress her. The idea sounds foolish. No amount of effort would make her forget Him. Except lately she isn’t sure anymore. Eliot does remind her of Him, but that’s what she likes about him. It’s what draws her back, but she knows its Eliot. Maybe this isn’t so bad, taking the next best thing if you can’t have the one you want. There are differences that she came to know. But then she reminds herself that it’s only temporary. She is going away to Seattle and Eliot is staying here. She won’t see him for a long time. She might meet someone else. He might too. It’s all just temporary. So why not have some fun?   
He doesn’t go to the usual place. It’s not the factories. He goes to an apartment building at the edge of town. The elevator ride seems to take a long time. Then into a small hallway. Opens the door with a key. Turns on the light.   
The place is small. And looks like it’s been decorated in the 70’s. No shoes in the hall. The small hallway leads to a small living room. Most space is taken up by the sofa and the table, large shelves with books, porcelain plates, teapots and cups. Old, fat television. A coffee table that had the glass top cracked. An old dusty carpet on the floor. A half dead potted plan on the counter next to the sofa. One way leads to the small kitchen, all white ceramic tiles from a time long past. The other is covered by curtain of wooden beads.   
He stops, turns around to look at her.   
“Well it’s much nicer then the place in the factory.” She says.   
Wonders why he didn’t hesitate to take her there with nothing more than a mattress on the ground. Yet he seemed uncertain about bringing her here.  
He looks like he is about to say something but he changes his mind. Parts the curtain.   
“Straight ahead.” He says.   
It’s an old looking door, heavy. The bedroom is large and dark. Curtains closed. He turns on a lamp. Its light is very dim. The bed is large. Four poster. Taking up most of the room. Walls are a darkish dirty green. In the dark they look black. The carpet is dark but soft under her feet. He stays by the door. As if hesitating.   
“What’s wrong?” she wonders.   
Suddenly afraid that he doesn’t want her. And it would her own fault, she knows. He shakes his head.   
“Nothing.”   
Steps into the room. She notices the picture by the bed. A man with curly auburn hair and a woman with long straight black hair. Eliot looks a lot like the man in the picture but the eyes are like those of the woman- his parents. She’s never met them or heard him talk about them. But she was certain this was their bedroom. She recalls the only line he has ever mentioned them in, it was in that strange dream “ My parents don’t give a crap about me.”   
He hasn’t undressed yet. He looks at her inspecting the picture. She grins, teases.   
“Afraid you parents will come back and catch us? “   
“What, no. They’re not coming back.” He says.   
There is a change in him. More determined now. He turns the light off. But the door is open and the light from the living room is coming in. he pulls her into his arms, holding her against him. It surprises her a little. In the dark she can only his outline. She wonders what he is doing. Feels him breathe into her hair.   
“Eliot?”   
He doesn’t respond, but she feels his hand move to her face, lift it up, hold it. He kisses her, rough. She is surprised, it’s not like him. He is pushing her toward the bed. But she quickly recovers. Bites his lip, pushes back. Hers him groan and smiles against his lips. If that is how he wants to play then she is more than capable. After all he is Eliot. She had never allowed herself to be this with Albert. But now she could do what she wanted. And it has been a long time.   
She fights him, dominates, a side she hasn’t showed in years. He is surprised tries to fight her at first. Who knew Eliot could be like this? Not so gently and shy anymore. She loves it, having him fight back. Breaking him until he gives in. She takes him, rides him to completion. Feels him tense, try to defy her at the very end. She know he is close. She doesn’t stop determined to force an orgasm out him. Hands moving down to his abdomen, caressing, feeling the tense muscles, squeezing and rubbing until they relax. He shudders- comes.   
She tries to pull herself closer to him only to have him pull away. That’s when she knows something is wrong.   
“Eliot?”   
He doesn’t look at her. Sits on the opposite side of the bed, back to her.   
“What’s wrong?” she tries, reaches out for him again.   
He is silent for a while.   
“This whole thing is wrong.” He says, spits it out like something unpleasant.   
“Well, I can’t deny that.” She says, pull her arm back, and wraps it around herself.  
He turns, looks at her, a profile in the dark.   
“Who is it?”   
She looks surprised, unsure.   
“What do you mean?”   
“There is somebody else, isn’t there.”   
She is shocked, he picked up on it.   
“Was. “ She says.” He’s dead.”   
She pulls her knees to her chest. The room suddenly feels cold.   
“I do like you” She says” But not the way you probably want me to. ”   
Eliot bows his head, says nothing.   
“I think friends is all we’ll ever be.” She says “but that doesn’t mean we can’t...”   
She tries to reach for him again. He gets up, leaves the room. Alex leans her head on her knees and feels tears sting in her eyes. She knew it was wrong, she did this to herself, did this to him. Staying away would have been better.   
Leaving seems like the only option. Slowly she begins to dress, finding her clothes in the dark. Buttoning up her shirt, looking for her jeans. Something blocks the light. She looks up to see him in the door way.   
“I’m sorry.” She says, afraid her voice will break, betray her.  
She half expects him to turn around and leave again. But he doesn’t. He sits next to her on the bed. Smell of water and mint.   
“It’s alright.” He says, uncertain.” This thing was probably not going to last anyways.”   
She looks at him. Still naked, apart from the tower around his hips.   
“You’re leaving next year.”   
“I just … I don’t know if I can feel that way about anyone else.. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care… it’s just I “   
She is trying to explain without bursting into tears. He holds her in his arms, against his chest. He feels warm.   
“You don’t love me.” He finishes it for her.   
She can’t speak only nod.   
“I’m...” He begins, stops, uncertain.” Being friends is fine.”   
She looks up at him, can’t see his eyes, a shadow over his face.   
“This being in a relationship thing is way too stressful.” He scratches the back of his awkwardly.  
He sounds a lot more cheerful than he was moments ago. She tries to smile, reassure.   
“Yeah. Sometimes I wonder why people do it to begin with. “She says.   
“I know, right...” it’s like he is about to say something else but he stops himself. “ You can stay for the night. “   
He doesn’t seem to be angry with her anymore. But she still wonders. Nobody would care if she stayed out now. They had no reason to go after her. She goes into the bathroom. Small, just barely fits a shower and a toilet. There is another room, a paper hangs on the door, written in pencil “Eliot”. The tiles in the shower wall are cracked like something heavy had hit them. Alex dries herself of, dresses.   
There is tea on the living room table. Eliot sits there with a t shirt and underwear, a shoe box on his lap. She looks at it curiously. He seems to notice. Opens it. it’s full of things. He takes out a post card. It’s the large stone Jesus statue.   
“Dad’s a sailor.” He says.   
“Did he sent you all of these?”   
Eliot nods. Postcards and a few photos. Spain, Italy, China, Brazil, Australia and many places all over the world.   
“He sent me these. From Africa” Eliot says taking something black.   
Alex looks at it. It’s like a rock, black, hardened, a seashell inside it.   
“Caught in the fishing net.” He places another one in front of her. it’s like a large white snail shell but inside it’s full of blackness. She looks at the post card he is holding. It’s a picture of a volcano. She recognizes the place. Kijuju. He takes another piece of rock, imprints of what look like fish bones inside the black rock.   
“It’s not like any rock I’ve seen before. “ He says.   
“It’s probably volcanic.” Alex says.   
She examines what look like bits of glass and bolt stuck on the rock as well.   
“There was an eruption few years ago.”   
“Carefull with that one” He says” that glass is still sharp. I’ve cut myself with it once before.”   
She puts it down examines it from a distance. There are different shells, bits of coral, stamps, a shark tooth, and many things from all over the world.   
“You should make it into a necklace” Alex says examining the shark tooth, Great White.   
“I don’t want to look like a surfer.”   
“You seem close. You and your father. “She says.   
“Not really. As close you can be with somebody who is thousands of miles away for most of the time.”   
“And what about...”   
“Their separated.” He says.   
“I see. Sorry.” She says. “You’re all alone.”  
She doesn’t know what it’s like to have parents. To have a family that is broken and distant. But she does know the feeling of loneliness.  
“I’m used to it. “ He says.   
“I never knew my parents. And Natalia’s died when she was three, right in front of her. So I’m an orphan in both of my lives.”   
He give her a sympathetic look.   
She knows it’s not going to change. Deep down, feelings don’t change. But at least she isn’t lying anymore. If he is really okay with it of if he is pretending, she can’t tell. Being friend who sometimes sleep together, no strings attached. It’s all they could ever be. She doubts she could be more, with anyone. Still unsure of how to live this new life. What she wants to achieve. But forward is always the only way to go. No going back.   
He is gentle this time. More like the Eliot she I familiar with. Curling up next to him, head on his chest. It’s a comfortable feeling, warm inside her chest. The scent, the warmth. But she doesn’t let the illusion in. Not anymore. She focuses on Eliot, the one who is here. Thinking about the past only hurts. Past cannot be changed, only regretted. The present is better. While she doubts she could feel for anyone what she felt for Albert, still longs to be with someone. Not in love. Perhaps never again. It hurts too much. Letting someone get close, letting them in only for them to hurt her again. No. She couldn’t do that. 

It continues for a time. Studying together, him giving her rides home. Sometimes they sleep together. October rolls around and it rains. Cold dark sky. She hasn’t card much for it but maybe it’ because of Lucy. A fond memory. Pumpkin spice lattes and horror movies and cheap plastic Halloween decorations. She looks at her black painted nails and wonders.   
The nearby town college students were holding a party. Somehow the word got out to even the high school student. She gives Eliot a devious grin.   
“We should go.”   
“What?”   
“The party.”   
“But that’s for college students and..”   
“So? We can look like college students. “   
“You relay want to go.” He seems surprised.   
“How come you don’t? it’s a party.”   
He scratches his head, looks down.   
“You’ve never been to one?” She catches on.   
“I had to work most times and I don’t really have any friends so..”   
“That’ it we’re going.”   
He seem uncertain.   
“Didn’t take you for a party person. “ He says.   
“Oh, you didn’t know me back in college.”   
He look at her surprised.

She looks at herself in the mirror. Long hair, the red has washed out. Holds all of it in a tight grip. One by one the lock fall to the floor. The scissors close around it. The can of black hair spray rests on the sink. She holds her breath, the chemical smell as the black slowly seeps into her hair, now just barely reaching the bottom of her jaw. It looks strange. But perhaps not bad.   
It was said that Queen Victoria mourned her husband her entire life and wore only black. Alex looks at her black nails and wonders, if she should look the part. Black leather skirt, stripped stockings- black and white, large leather boots: platforms and chains and belts. Black sweater with some rips over her chest- deliberate. Long sleeves that consume her hands, black ribbons laced thought. A choker on her pale neck. Black lipstick, dark eyeshadow, ebony powder.   
Barry is watching TV. He turns, sees her on the stairs. Expression of shock on his face.   
“Moira?! When did you get back?!”   
“Sorry, just me” Alex says, trying to suppress a laugh.  
The man look even more hocked now. But he says nothing more and walks out the door. Coffin bag at her side.   
Eliot stares at her in disbelief.   
“Uh..Alex?” Almost like he isn’t sure it’s really her.   
“Where’s your costume?” She questions.   
“Costume?”   
“This is a Halloween party.”   
“Oh right.”   
“We can get you something in town later.”   
She gives her the awkward glances the entire ride.   
“Not a fan of goth girls?” she asks.   
“It’s different...”   
“ A bad different?”   
“No.” He looks at her, blushes.   
The short skirt showing her thigs a little. The way the sweater, despite being loose, clings to her breasts. The tears showing bits of her cleavage and breasts. Black bra pushing them up. She had to start wearing one, Natalia was a lot more developed than she had been. Becoming difficult to hide. Sometimes they still hurt, maturing, growing. Like something from inside pushing out. Most girls that age were mature. Alex had matured very quickly, it felt like it all happened in mere months. Natalia was taking her time. The trauma, the virus and perhaps even the presence of the other two.   
It' still early when they arrive. She drags Eliot to a shop. Not one of those cheap costume ones. Regular clothes. A leather jacket, one with some spikes on the shoulders, a t shirt with skulls, chains. She messes up his hair. He tries to dodge her hand when she reaches for it.   
“It looks good on you. “he smiles” the only thing missing is the motorcycle.”   
He looks himself over in the mirror.   
“Not bad, I guess”   
There is a whole bunch of people on the front lawn of the campus. This is one of those night when there is no rain and it’s not too cold. Lanterns and carved pumpkins everywhere. She stops at the entrance, looks at the notice board. It’s full of posters of missing people.   
“That’s strange.” She begins to read.   
“They were all students here at Autumn Creek collage.” Eliot says.   
“It seems they all disappeared here. Last seen on campus.”   
“Maybe this party isn’t a good idea.” He says.   
“Let’s go.” She grabs him by the arm.” Maybe there’s a serial killer on the loose. That would be a perfect scenario for Halloween. It’s exciting.”   
“Being hunted by a serial killer?”   
“I recently put a couple of those in jail.” She says. “And knowing my luck. If there is one we will find him.”   
Eliot looks around uncomfortably.   
“How can you even joke about it?”   
“What else should I do? Cover in the corner and cry?”   
“No but… just be carefull.”   
“You forget we’re at a party. Let’s try to have a good time.” 

Tables outside with some baked goods, sweets. The old gothic architecture of the campus looks amazing with the starry sky above and candle light on the ground. People are walking all-round the campus, some in costumes some without. Some band is playing a cover of Misfits “Saturday Night.” She grabs a drink from a nearby table. The person in charge of drinks had gone off somewhere. Cheap beer. She takes another one, hands it to Eliot.   
“Drinks at these parties are always bad. “ She says taking a sip.   
Eliot takes a sip and frowns.   
“This is pretty bad.” He agrees.   
“Well when you a college student this the only thing you can afford.”   
They stand there in the crowd listening to the band play for a bit.   
“Let’s go try to find the haunted house they made.” She says looking over at the map of the campus.   
It must have been a wrong turn because what is before them looks more haunted than any house. Tall brick fence with iron bars and a gate. A cemetery.   
“Why is there a graveyard on campus?” Eliot looks around.   
“Let’s have a look. “ She says.   
The large gate opens with a creak. Dark, there are a few graves.. A plaque explaining that per tradition started by the founder every chancellor of the collage would be buried here on the campus grounds.   
“That’s kind of creepy.” Eliot says.   
“Yeah, a little.” She agrees.   
Suddenly they are startled by a moan. There somebody else here with them. Alex looks around.   
“Hello?”   
“We should go.” Eliot says.” We might be interrupting something.”   
Alex lingers looks at the dark path. Something stumbles forward.   
“Hello?” she take a step forward.  
The figure she saw on the path is gone now. She moves closer to that spot. Something moves to her left. She turns. Something jump at her. he takes a step back.   
“Ha-ha, sacred you didn’t I” it’ some guy with a rubber mask imitating a zombie.   
Alex look at him. Eliot stands beside her.   
“You shouldn’t just jump out at people like that! “ He points his finger, threatens.   
“Easy big guy, no harm intended. “He adjusts his glasses nervously.  
“It’ alright. It was kind of funny.” Alex smiles  
“So you two her to make out?” He winks at them.   
Eliot looks away a little uncomfortably.   
“Plan on spying?” Alex says, voice turning seductive.   
The young man seems to get flustered.   
“N na. no. “ he looks nervous “ I would never.”   
He seems to rummage ins his pockets for something. Takes out a black flower.   
“Have you hear of it?”   
Alex looks at it. The shape is strange. It’s all black, looks tropical, exotic. It’s big, almost bigger than the hand of the young man.   
“Can’t say I have. It’s all the rage these days. They it will get you so high you’ll forget how to be anything else. F fi finally got my hands on one. You wanna try? It’s more than enough.“   
Alex gives Eliot a look. He had quit smoking, or so he said. But she hasn’t seen him with a cigarette in all this time.   
“Nah, we’re good.” Eliot says.   
“You won’t mind if we watch?” Alex asks.   
“N no.”   
They hide behind a large statue of a stone angel. The zombie guy takes out a wooden bowls and pours water into it. Places the flower into the water. Takes a burner and a stand, place a cube and lights it. the bowl above the burner begins to boil.   
“So it’ like a tea?” Alex wonders.   
“Nah, you have to breath it, but it’s not ready yet.” He says looking down at it.   
The flower seems to get bigger, expand in the water, and open up more. Something rises out of the centre, pale silvery smoke. He leans down inhales deeply. Eyes rolling into the back of his head, mouth open, drooling. He remains there, head bowed above the bowl. Alex waives in front of his face- no reaction.  
“He’s really out of it. “ She says surprised. “Have you hear of this thing?”   
Eliot shakes his head.   
“Can’t say I have. To be honest it kind of gives me the creeps.” He says looking at the flower. “ Let’s get back to the party.”   
They try to leave but the gate won’t open.   
“Great. Somebody had locked us in.” Eliot tries to force it open.   
Alex looks at the map.   
“In the back there is path that leads through the forest and comes back out on the other side of campus.”   
The small gate in the back is locked but it is low enough to climb over. The absence of the sharp spikes makes the climb easier. She holds on to Eliot. The tight skirt not making it easy to climb. He gets a good glimpse of her underwear, black lace. She grabs on to the fence, drops down on the other side. Eliot follows. Pulls himself up on the gate and swings over with his legs, lands on the other side. It’s dark, pitch black. Tall trees.   
“Kind of spooky” Alex says looking around.   
“My phone has a light.” He says.   
“Mine does too but we don’t need that much light.” She says.   
The ray is enough to see the road. Alex walks slight ahead. Listens. She had that feeling she can’t explain. It’s like a pulsing sensation but it’s on the outside. Something is out there, something is coming closer. All hair on her body stand on ends. A cold shiver down her spine. The pulsing is so strong it’s almost throbbing.   
A branch breaks. A crack in the dark. Eliot stops. Shines the light around.   
“I saw something “He says  
She wants to tell him she knows but feels like she will be sick if she opens her mouth, something pale flashes in the dark. She is certain the feeling is coming from it. Alex reaches, points at the thing walking up the road towards them. It looks naked and pale but not quite human. Eliot takes a few slow steps back.   
“What is that?” He whispers.   
She doesn’t answer. Bends. A thick branch on the ground. It’s almost like she can see in the dark. She can feel the creature somehow. Fingers grip the thick wood. It is coming closer.   
“We should head back.” Eliot says”   
They are backed against the gate. But Alex isn’t afraid. She feels certain. Breathes calmly. The thing can’t see her. She is hidden from it buy the virus inside her or perhaps by something else. But it doesn’t seem to notice Eliot either. It walks towards the light, blindly. She can see it now. Half of it looks like pale flesh, long arm, bent and misshapen legs, sharp thin and long fingers. But the other hand looks human, a bracelet. Some hair visible on the side. Face completely covered by flesh, no eyes, no nose or mouth. And yet there is evidence that it was once human.   
Eliot is trying to climb up the gate, reaches his hand to her.   
“Alex”   
But she ignores him. Dashes forward. Unseen in the dark, a flash. Hit’s the creature, breaks it’s skull it falls to the ground blood gushing out. Body convulses. Eliot drops down, approaches. She looks at it. The flesh turns from white to grey, crumbles like withered leaves. There is a face- a girl, one she had seen before.   
“She was on open of the missing person posters.” Alex says.   
Parts of her remain changed.   
“What happened to her?” Eliot is still shaken up.   
“She was infected with something.” Alex says plainly.   
“You mean a B.O.W.”   
“Or an attempt at making one.”   
“We need to get out of here.” He says.   
She knows she should.   
“Wait, it looks like she is holding something.”   
She kneels down, the human hand is clutching something tight. She pries the fingers open. In the palm of the girl is a black flower.   
“That flower again.” Eliot notices.   
Alex inspects it again. it looks familiar.   
“The shape looks like that of the Sonnentreppe. The flower the can grow a powerful virus under the right conditions. It was found in Africa, in Kijuju. But the flowers were red and orange. This one is black,.”   
“You’re saying the flower did this to her?” Eliot seems to catch on.   
“I’ m not sure. I’ve never seen a flower like this before. And the way they use it as a drug reminds me of some ancient ritual.”  
“So the drug- flower is related to the disappearing students. And possibly what ever happened to that girl. This sounds more like a job for the B.S.A.A. or the army.”   
“Good point.” Alex says.   
She takes out her phone, takes a picture of the girl and the flower. Sends them to Claire. Adds a message: “Redfield you need to get here ASAP. Autumn Creek.” The message sends.   
They hurry down the road. It reaches a cross road the leads into a broader path. There are light on it. Music in the distance- the party still going on. People are walking down the road. But suddenly they start running the opposite way. Somebody starts screaming.  
They rush down the road out into the main path. People are running. Something big is running after them, it’s large, fat, and flashy. All covered in the pale flesh no face, no fingers. Hands like giant meat lumps. It swings them around with great force.   
“What the hell is going on here?” Eliot says, coughing behind the lamp.  
“Looks to me like and outbreak of something.”   
A police officer rushes into the scene tries to shoot the creature but he misses. It hits him, knocks him to the side, body crushed and mangled. Alex still clutches the branch. The creature is not a pulse but a steady beat like a drum. Eliot runs to the mangled body of the policeman, grabs his gun and ammo. He looks strangely calm. Takes aim, stance like that of a professional shooter. Shoots the creature in the back of the head. Not enough to kill it. it turs around. Runs towards him. He anticipate the attack, drops to ground rolls out of the way. Shots one of the legs, short and thin for a creature of such mass. If stumbles falls. Alex smashes its head in.   
It’s a man under the flesh. A black skinned, middle aged man. Remnants of a suit.   
“It came from direction of the party” Eliot says.   
We should get out of here” he says.   
Tries to pull her the opposite way.   
“No.” She says.   
“He looks at he confused.   
“I can stop this.” She says, unsure.” If I can analyze the flower and a blood sample from the creatures I might be able to stop this. I just need a lab and the collage for sure has one.”   
He looks shocked, almost hurt by her words.   
“I am not the person I used to be. “She states, affirms.


	25. Bury the Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can't stop listening to this song cuz it's awsome.

Chapter 25 Bury the Light   
„I am the storm that is approaching  
Provoking  
Black clouds in isolation  
I am reclaimer of my name  
Born in flames, I have been blessed, my family crest is a demon of death  
Forsakened, I am awakened  
A phoenix's ashes are divine  
Descent in misery  
Destiny chasing time  
Bury the light deep within  
Cast aside, there's no coming home  
We're burning chaos in the wind  
Drifting in the ocean all alone“- Bury the Light, Casey Edwards ft. Victoria Borba

„This is crazy“ He says. „ Come on.“   
She shakes her head.   
„You‘ve contacted the B.S.A.A. they will take care of this.“ He says.   
„By the time they get here it will be too late. „ She says. „ I know because i‘ve seen it. But I am here now and i can stop it.“   
She turns her back to him, runs towards the collage, leaves him shocked, stuck in place. Part of her wonder what she‘s doing. But then she stops, looks at herself in the glass of the window. She sees them there : The old Alex, Natalia. Standing beside her in the reflection.   
„You made your choise.“ Says Alex.   
„We‘ll help you.“ Natalia smiles.   
She nodds to both of them, takes of running. People are runing past her. Panicking. One drops to the ground, convulses, vomits up something black. Pale flesh slowly covering the mans arm. He screams and tries to shake it but it grows, consumes. Another large blowb creature emerges. Alex dodges out the way. Another student gets smashed into bloody paste. She runs into the building closest. The door looks ajar. The blob is too big to fit inside. There are people hidding in there. Crying, panicking.   
„Where is the lab?“ She asks  
They look confused.   
„What building is the lab in?“ She asks again.   
Somebody finaly reacts.   
„The main one, second floor.“   
„Can you mark it on the map?“   
She takes her black lipstic out. The boy circkles the large gothic building in the middle of campus. It‘s a far from where she is. They try to stop her from going outside but she just runs out the door.   
She hears gun shots. Eliot has shot the blob creature down. He runs after her.   
„You didn‘t need to come“ She says.   
„Have you seen what‘s happening out here?!“   
„I can handle myself. You should escape.“ She says.   
“Handle yourself? You don’t even have a gun”   
“I can sort of sense them.” She says.” And I’m invisible to them because of the virus Natalia is infected with. So I’m fine.”   
He looks at her in disbelief.   
“You don’t need to play the hero, Eliot. Run. Find safety.” She says.   
“No. “He says, tone strict, determined.   
Something gives a sharp shriek. Another creature. It comes flying in on pale fleshy wings. Figure clearly feminine. Legs grown together, but sharp bird like talons at the end. Eyes are covered by the flesh but the nose and mouth aren’t. Eliot aims his gun. Alex touches his arm.   
“Leave it. Let’s go.”   
He runs after her. They make it to the main building. But the main door I blocked by something from within.   
“I can’t get this thing to open.” Eliot slams his shoulder against the door.   
“We need another way in.” She says.   
They run around the building looking for anything that could be used as an entrance. Eliot looks strangely calm, focused. She noticed how he was shooting earlier almost like he had been trained professionally.   
“There” he point to a metal door in the back.  
It’s locked.   
“Window” she points to a slightly ajar small window.   
“Can you give me a lift up? I’ll unlock the door for you once I’m in.”   
“How about we use those instead.” He points to some crates. “Who know what could be inside? Better to not split up.   
They stack the crates up. It’s just enough for her to barely reach the window. She grabs hold of the frame, pulls up. Crawls inside. Opens it wider. Eliot is much faster, jumping up and grabbing the frame, pulling himself up.   
It looks like a bathroom. Many stalls with closed doors. They leave the room. The hall is dark.   
“What now?” He asks.   
“. The lab should be here on the second floor. But I need something to extract blood with first. “   
“Maybe there’s a nurse office or something.”   
“We should find a map of the building. That might give some ideas. “she says.  
The large stair leads down but it’s pitch black. Soon they realize why, and why they couldn’t get the front door open. It’s growing all over the walls, covering the windows, the same pale flesh as on the creatures.   
“This is..” She looks in disbelief.” A virus can’t do this.”  
“It’s consuming the building, like a mold.” There is bewilderment in his voice.   
It’s coming out of a hallway on the first floor.   
“You might be right.” Alex says.” This definitely is something else. And if those strange flowers are involved… this might be plant based. “   
“We should avoid contact with it.” He says.   
“Wait. I need a sample of it.” She moves down stairs to the first floor.   
There are black veins on the flesh, it also resembles a layer of membranes. There are blackish bulges in some areas. She notices one burst open releasing into the air a silvery mist, same as the flower. She takes a napkin from her bag, attempts to catch it. Feels the sticky substance inside the cloth, puts it back in. Eliot has flowed her.   
“You saw it?”   
“Yes.” He says” Same as the flower he was inhaling.”   
“They’re spores.” She says.   
“Like a fungus?”   
“Possibly. I need one of those flowers. I need to know what it is and how it caused all of it.”   
“Using it a recreational drug might have something to do with it.” He suggests.   
“True. But to what end? Who benefits from it?”   
There are sirens outside- an ambulance.   
“I think I know where we can find medical supplies.” Eliot says.   
The sound is close.   
“You’re right. They will probably have all we need. “She says.   
“There’s monsters out there. I can get it. You stay here” He says.   
“Will you know what to get?” she wonders.   
“Of course. “  
“Alright. I’ll try to locate the lab.” She says.   
He goes out the window of the girl’s bathroom. She turns on her phone light and looks around. She can feel them all around the outside. Pulsing, drumming, the beat of wings. But there is something else. A different beat, more like a heart. And it’s coming from beneath her feet, somewhere underground. She wonders. This place had no connection to Umbrella, she was certain. Somebody else did this.   
There were rumors of Umbrella reforming. That is was not completely dead. But she didn’t think much of it. There was no hope for them, not after the truth has been exposed. Nothing they do could ever make people trust them again.   
She manages to find the lab but there is no power. Most of the equipment requires it to work. Impossible to look under a microscope without proper light. Unable to do anything she begins inspecting the rooms. Looking for a circuit breaker or something that could turn the power back on. Finds something in the janitor’s closet. A notice on the maintenance of the generator. Wonders why the Collage even needs a power generator. It is mentioned it’s somewhere in the basement. She sends Eliot a message. Hopes he will manage to get back safely.   
The first floor is being slowly consumed by the fleshy substance. Alex looks around for a way downstairs. The left side is still untainted. She goes to look. Feels a pulse from the corrupted side. Perhaps some monsters got in. She isn’t too concerned.   
Still wondering why she is doing this. Part of her wants to know what is going on. Get to the bottom of this. She doesn’t care for publicity. Becoming famous for stopping it. No. it just feels like something she needs to do. Defy her old self? No. Defy Spencer and all he stood for. She can make her own choices now. All of this just reminds her of it. Of this mess. Viruses, bioweapons, and greedy old men wanting power, all the things that ruined their lives. All these things that got Him killed. She hates it, deep down she always has. Realizing how pointless it all was, only blind destruction, not true power. That was why she changed her research to something else. She had realized it’s true nature, it’s limit, while Spencer and many others remained blindly believing in its power. Believing it to be Godlike when it was pathetic, monstrous, wild and untamable. A beast, a calamity, chaos. Nobody could truly control a virus. It spreads, mutates, adapts kills, infects, and destroys. It’s all it will ever do, it knows no masters. It’s not like a dog that can be trained to do tricks. It is a beast savage in nature. And that nature has limits. It will never do anything outside of it. It will infect and reproduce, corrupt, destroy, kill and mutate. It’s an old dog that cannot learn new tricks. She knows how to manipulate it within the rules of its nature. Albert knew too but in the end even he was consumed by it.   
Finally finds what looks like the stairs down. The basement is large. Dark. But she isn’t afraid. She sees Natalia standing there in the dark. A strange new thing that’s happening to her.   
“This way.” She says.   
Past some shelves and around another set of stairs. A dead end. A metal door. The sign reads “Generator room”. She wonders how she knew.   
“Close your eyes.” Natalia says.   
She does but she can still see. See herself standing there. Pass through the wall, into the room. Sees the generator.   
“Too bad the door is locked” Natalia says. “That’s something I can’t do for you.”   
This will take some time to get used to. She knows this power doesn’t come from a virus. It’s something else. Something unique to her.   
“Can you find the key?” She wonders.   
“Well, I can’t go far from you.” She says. “But I can try looking”   
She waits. Wonders what going on outside. Feels the gentle presence of Natalia nudge her. Closes her eyes again. A piece of paper in some room. Notice about the spare key being in the Chancellors office.   
“This is kind of tiring.” Natalia says.   
Alex does feel her breath become shallow like she had been running. She is not used to this power or how to use it. Heads back to look for the key. She is approaching the turn, hears something walking. Doesn’t sense anything but still slows down. Keeps quiet. Turns of her light. Waits. Somebody emerges, the light blinds her a little.   
“Alex?”   
“Eliot?”   
He lowers his gun.   
“I almost shot you.” He says concerned.   
“Sorry.” She says. “I wasn’t sure who it was. “   
“You couldn’t get the power back on?”   
“The key is the office somewhere. I’m trying to find it. “She says. “What about you. Did you get what we need?”   
“   
Got something better.” He takes out a syringe full of blood.   
“You got blood from one of those things?! Great. Now we just need the power back on.” She puts into her bag.  
“Look, forget the key, it will take too much time.” He says. “It’s getting crazy out there”  
He aims his gun at the lock and shoots. The door opens. The already generator is fueled as per the instructions.. Eliot turns it on.   
“It’s working.” She says.   
“But there is no power.” He says looking at the dark room.   
She flips the switch, but still no light.   
“There are cables from the generator.” She says.   
They go into the wall.   
“Whatever it’s powering is not the building,” Eliot says.   
“No. it’s something else.” She agrees.   
“So what now?”   
“There is something down there. “She says, feels it.  
He stops looks at her.   
“What do you mean?”   
“I can feel it. I can’t explain it. But it’s big. Somewhere underground.”   
His face is cold, emotionless.   
She is almost certain she knows what they will find.   
“Hey, look at this. Doesn’t in look familiar? “He says.   
She look at the crate he is pointing to. Sure enough she has seen it before, many times. It’s the same one as in that building.   
“Agricultural research institute.” She reads the name on the box.   
“There’s a few of them here.” He says looking over the crates. “You think they are behind this?”   
“I don’t know.” She says.” But looking into that might be a good idea.”   
Eliot begins to search on his phone.   
“The institute was founded by Harris Freedman in 1978. In 1990 is moved here to Autumn Creek. In 1992 it closed. Freedman became the Chancellor of the collage soon after.”   
“Interesting. “ Alex said.   
Eliot shoved her a picture of an old man, which reminded her of Spencer a bit. Same long grey hair but he wore glasses.   
“It says they did research into making crops grow in difficult locations, such as Africa and Antarctica. But their projects were met with little to no success. “   
“Well they were trying to make crop grow in impossible location. The only way to do that is thought heavy genetic modification.” Alex said.   
“So this is the result?”   
They were back upstairs. But Alex could tell something was wrong. There was a strong pulsing. She motions for Eliot to get down. They are about to exit the hall into the main entrance area. But there is a creature emerging form the corrupted hall. Eliot aims, shoots it in the head. It stagers back. Alex wishes she had a weapon to help.   
“They must have broken in somehow.” Eliot says.” It’s not safe here anymore.”   
She can feel the heart beat grow slightly stronger in the direction of the hall. Eliot shoots the monster again. This time it doesn’t get up. Reloads the gun. She runs forward before he can stop her.   
“We need to go this way.”   
He follows, displeased.   
“Wait. It’s dangerous.”   
She knows. Lifts up her sweater to cover her nose and mouth. The hall is full of the silvery mist floating in the air. Eliot is covering his lower face with his hand. There is a membrane covering the path forward but it’s been torn, likely by the creature. Alex parts it and squeezes thought.   
A feeling that is unfamiliar to her hits. It’s rapid like the ticking of a clock but there are several. She sees something move along the walls, the ceiling. Too fast to react. Eliot shoots, pulls her back by the shoulder. The looks like centipedes, but white and about 6 feet long.   
“Let’s get out of here.” He says, tries to pull her back.   
Alex doesn’t now how to explain it to him.   
“I don’t see a breach in the walls. But they must be coming from somewhere.” She says.  
He stops pulling her.   
“If we go this way.” She pauses, sighs.” There is a good chance that there is something underneath the collage.”   
“You mean a lab.” He says.   
“Yes. That probably what the generator is powering. It will have equipment and records. Documents on how all this happened. I need to get down there.”   
The hallway gets blacker the further they go. It almost looks like it’s wilting it places. Some windows are uncovered and the wall right in front of them. She sees Natalia again, Eliot doesn’t seem to notice her.   
“This way.” The girl points to a door.   
The door is one of the few things unconsumed. It’s the library. The room completely clean of the substance covering everything. Large windows let in some light outside.   
“So what’s in here?” He wanders looking around.   
“I can feel something. And that feeling is very strong here.”   
“You mean the monsters?”   
She nods.   
“But there don’t seem to be any in here. “   
“The room next door?”   
She looks around. There is blood on the floor, like something had been dragged. The trail ends at one of the book cases.   
“Or secret passage.” She says. “Now to get it open.”   
She tries pulling books from the shelf. They all seem to be regular books.   
“What’s up with all the masks?” Eliot calls out.   
There are several tribal masks decorating the walls the walls of the library. Along with pictures and paintings of several African landscapes. Alex examines the ones closest to the shelf. One has a wide mouth. She feels inside it. Something feels like a switch. There is a click sound. The shelf moves aside.   
The path down is lit. Stairs make a sharp turns at a 90O angle, blocking the view of anything further. The shelf moves into place soon after. The stairs lead to a small room with an elevator that is metal bars like one used in mines. They get in. there are only two buttons on the panel. It begins to descend.   
She knows it will probably be teeming with creatures. Wonders if it was a good idea to bring Eliot. He holds gun forward before the door opens, prepares to shoot anything that might be there. She wants to ask him about it but he looks so focused, she decided against it.   
The area looks like a tunnel, a sewer. There are red light flashing along the path. She can feel the beat of something here.   
“A security room.” He points to the door. “Might be worth checking out. “   
She nods. The small room had screens from the monitoring cameras. Eliot begins pressing buttons.   
“There is some old footage stored here. I think I can playing back. Maybe it will give us some clue to how it all started.”   
The footage shows a room that looks more like a cave. Torches light the walls, cave paintings decorate it. Black flowers grow in troves. A man walks in. she recognizes him- Freedman. He kneels over the flowers, bands down to them. Somebody else enters the room. A young man with a black leather jacket and a red head band. Freedman turns, surprised. The boy stabs him in the chest, he stumbles backwards, knife still imbedded. Falls unto the flowers.   
“There’s more” He says.   
Another camera shows the boy with the red headband in a cell. He moves, pounds his fists against the bars. Screams something.   
“Looks like they were keeping prisoners down here. “ Alex says.   
“Explains all the missing students.” Eliot says.   
It caused more questions than it answered. Some cameras were giving off static. One was pitch black. Some were showing halls.   
Eliot keeps typing. A map comes up on the computer screen. He takes a picture.   
“The lab should be here” He points to the top of the screen.  
Traces his finger across the maze looking for the shortest route.   
“I’ve got it. Let’s go.”  
There are a few creatures that get in the way. Alex avoids them. Eliot shoots them down. They arrive at the lab. It’s not a technically advanced as Umbrella was: simple locks that can be shot open. Not key cards or fancy locks.   
The equipment is a little basic as well. Alex notices something. A leather bound book on the table, papers scattered. Somebody has been making something. Blood and black fluids on the floor. Eliot notices as well. Smells the chemicals.   
“Ethanol” He say. “Somebody was going to burn something”  
Alex looks thought the papers. The leather bound book turs out to be a journal.   
“I’ve overheard them talking today. But they wouldn’t let me in on the conversation. While it’s true I am not as rich as they are but my family is still noble. Ever since university I have admired him and yet I feel him look down on me as I was some maggot. Damn them. Spencer. Markus. Ashford. I will prove my worth yet.   
They spoke of a flower discovered in Africa. One that held some remarkable power. But I did not hear where they found it. No matter. I have planned my own expedition to the continent and I will not stop until I’ve found it. “  
“I’ve done it. After years of searching I’ve found something remarkable. On the coast of the Middle Eastern Africa. A primitive tribe is like a legend. They say that the youngest of them are over 200 years.   
I’ve actually met them. They are not as primitive as one might think. And after many talks and offerings to was able to gain their trust. They took me to the cave they held sacred. It could only be accessed once in a couple weeks for few short hours during low tide. There inside the cave were dozens of black flowers. They grow in complete darkness without any sunlight. The men pick them and boil them. Drink the mas a tea. They are said to hold medical properties that can heal any sickness and it can prolong one’s life and youth. I was permitted to drink. But not permitted to take even a single flower out of the cave. Sunlight as I was told kills them. “  
“The grief I feel knows no bounds. I went back for another visit to the tribe. I have continued to visit when I can. The tea I have been permitted to drink during my visits seems to be working. I haven’t had been sick in the past three years. My hair isn’t turning gray but in fact starting to regain color.   
But sadly upon my return I found all the men women and even children – the entire village slaughtered. Who did this? A rival tribe? Or someone else?   
I made my way to the cave but found traces of fire. The flowers were all gone. Burnt. I managed to save some spores that remained on the cave walls. I will protect this ancient legacy. I will not let be lost.” 

“I’ve come to a dead end. It seems that growing these flowers outside their native environment is near impossible. But I will not give up. I’ve already began my attempts at enhancing its chances of adapting by cross breeding it with some of the local species.   
While the seeds have sprouted I have my doubts. My hair turns gray once more. The effects are not eternal. The tea must be consumed regularly to maintain effect. And yet as I drink from these flower I fell no different. Something is not right. Something is missing. I must figure it out.   
I have noticed some bacteria resides inside the flowers, the spores specifically. This latest batch of flowers, mixed with the Solanum gene has a great amount of them. I was never able to study the original ones but what is it is not the flower but these bacteria that cause the effects?   
Tests on animals show some promise but they are inconclusive. To further my research I will need human subjects. But perhaps some good will come from this as well. I have noticed a while ago that this young generations hold no respect for knowledge and discipline. Treating this esteemed institution of learning like some playground of frivolous activity. Lazy, ignorant, undisciplined, I will cleanse this place of those unworthy.   
I am so close to perfecting my research. And once I have my accomplishments will rival even those of Spencer. I will create a cure for all diseases and grant eternal youth to whom I choose. And I will see him grovel before me and beg before long. How he will regret rejecting my friendship. “

Alex sighs heavily:   
“Well know we know how this mess happened.”   
Eliot looks over the other papers.   
“There is something else here.”   
“For the effects to take place the bacteria must be inhaled along with the spores of the flower. Notice: exposure to sunlight after results in mutation.”   
“So that’s what started it.” Alex sighs again. “All this because of some arrogant old fool.”   
Disgust creeps in her veins. Freedman was from the same generation as Spencer. Even claims to have known the man, resented him, and rivaled him. Somehow, even without being aware of it Spencer was able to cause another tragedy, even despite being dead.   
Her thought are interrupted. The heartbeat grows stronger almost like a quake, and it takes her a moment to realize the ground is indeed shaking. Something is coming, something big. Eliot grabs the vial to keep it from breaking. Something roars outside the door. He readies his gun aims. A giant hand bursts in thought the door. The creature cannot fit inside. He fires, the shot hits. The arm retracts back into the hallway. Replaced by a head with one giant eye and a red headband. Broad, muscular shoulders of the creature try to squeeze into the room. The wall cracks, begins to break. A giant arm bursts in thought the top of the door. The arm seems to be coming from the creatures back. It’s two arms are like bags of flesh, no fingers. It moves leaning on them, legs short and stubby. It manages to squeeze into the lab, breaking the door out of the wall. Eliot shoots and then the gun clicks- the clip is empty. The massive hand reaches for Alex. Eliot jumps in front.   
She wants to stop him. Tell him that it’s okay. She can hold it off. She can feel it in her blood, releasing. Like a current of electricity in her body. Alex closes her eyes, half expects to feel the blood and guts hit her. But it doesn’t come. She looks. Eliot is holding the giant hand with both of his, somehow keeping it from crushing him. And then he seems to change. Muscles expanding, bulging out, tearing the shirt and jacket. He becomes taller. She looks uncertain of what she is seeing.   
“Eliot?” she calls out hesitantly.   
He turns, looks at her. His eyes are read and orange with small black pupils.   
“I’m sorry dear heart, but he’s gone.”


	26. Love Psalm

Chapter 26: Love Psalm   
„If you could rewrite our life any way that you please  
Would you tear out the pages of our memories?  
Would you take back the pain and all the hurt we create?  
Or could you be satisfied with the love that you've made with me?  
So we rewrite our lives, but it's not what we think  
In the chaos we dance as we stand on the brink  
Always one change away from makin' ourselves complete  
The world will perish in flames and I'll watch as you fade from me

We write our love psalm“ – Love Psalm, Akira Yamaoka

She is in shock. Unable to speak, her mind refusing to believe. He turns his attention to the monster. Pushes it back. Holds his fist tight, red glow gathering around it. The punch emits an explosion of red light. The creature staggers back. Its giant arm forms a fist, punches him. Wesker guards with his arms. Alex kneeling on the ground behind him. He moves fast, tackles the monster. Sends both of them into the hallway, further collapsing the doorway.   
The creature beats its log like limbs against his back. The arm pinned under it. He grabs its head and slams it into the floor. Again and again. It’s not dead yet. Its skull is hard. Finally something cracks. But he had not noticed it got its arm free. Only feels it when it’s too late. He is lifted into the air and throw into a wall. The monster follows up, running at him, the punch sending him into the next room. He feels something go into his shoulder, a piece of rebar from the wall. He is on his back, on the floor feels blood in his mouth. It hurts to move. He gets up, pull the piece of rebar out, it has gone straight thought. Blood oozes out of the wound. He grips it tight, dashes out thought the hole, attempting to stab the creature with it. Aims for the giant eye. It sense the attack coming turns around, its massive limbs swinging at him. It connects, he feels his ribs break upon impact but he managed to stab it. Not where he planned, it’s imbedded in the side. The creature is trashing about, clearly hurt. Wesker tries to move out of the way as it’s flailing about. Massive limbs hitting the walls, the ground. It shakes. Then he feels himself fall.   
Alex hears the fight outside. Her mind begins to race. How was it even possible? She was certain that Eliot was a real person. But then she remembers the dreams. Albert telling her he can’t see her anymore. “It’s not forever, just for a long time.” that’s what he said. Then there was that dream with Eliot. Saying he felt like he was going to die soon. The truth was, he did die. His heart had stopped. They had tried to revive him. She was sitting outside the operation room. She heard the electro shocks. After four minutes he was declared dead. And then when they were preparing to take him away, he woke up. He had been dead and then he came back. Everybody was surprised. He fell back into being unconscious right after but still alive. It was after that that Eliot began to change.   
She feels tears well up in her eyes. How could she have been so blind? She feels saddened, realizing that Eliot did indeed die. He died to save her. She had never believed in special dreams. Dreams that tell the future and such nonsense. But now it seems like hers did. The dreams in that room held more meaning than she previously believed. All the people she had seen in that room were people she knew and they also people who she knew to be dead. The in between, is what he called the place. Between where? She wondered. 

A part of her is happy. After all he is alive. But she is concerned, afraid. There is a sound accompanied by the floor shaking. She wonders if the whole place will collapse on top of them. Getting back on her feet she moves thought the small space between debris that are blocking the doorway. There is a hole in the wall, but an even bigger one in the floor further down. Like the floor had been tilted downwards. Another floor beneath them. She hears a roar, sounds of a fight still going on. 

Wesker feels lightheaded, the bleeding isn’t stopping. The monster isn’t giving up the fight. The floor collapsed from it thrashing around. He gets up, the creature already charging at him. He notices some of the rebar from the floor sticking out. The creature charges him. He grabs hold of the shoulders. The force is pushing him back. At this rate he might be the one who ends up impaled. He channels it again. Punches it in the head. Red lightning explodes. It’s dazed. Now it the only chance he will get. He turns them around. Starts pushing the monster, hand dragging its head along the wall to keep it dazed. It lets out a pained cry. He pushes it towards the exposed spikes of rebar. It struggles, the metal starts going in but the creature seems to be aware of what he doing. It struggles so hard he can barely hold it with his strength. He knows he won’t last much longer. Channels it all into one final hit. Punching in the chest. The bright explosion sending back, right unto the spikes. But it’s not dead yet. Only immobilized. Its arms still moved around, the giant hand trying to grab him. This thing is ridiculously durable. Wesker know he is really pushing it. But at this rate it will either bring down the building or break free. This is the only time he can deal the final blow. Feels his body screaming, the red pulse in his veins come with pain. His fist pierces the skin, grip the heart. Then he releases, an explosion of red and crimson. Blood and flesh burst out of the hole in its chest. It’s still now, not moving. The creatures didn’t seem to be able to regenerate. He pulls out his hand, covered to the shoulder in blood. Collapses to his knees. Muscles retracting, shrinking down to normal. Blood still oozing from the wounded shoulder. He feels cold. 

Alex finds a set of stairs leading down. It’s been quiet for a few minute minutes. She felt the pulsing stop. He would not pick up the phone. She runs, making turn after turn unto she finally finds it. He is leaning against a wall, stinging down on the floor. There is blood on the ground.   
“Albert!?” she feels panic.   
He moves slightly. She kneel beside him. Notices the wound. He slowly turns his head towards her.   
“It’s not healing.” She notices.   
“I think I’ve burned it out.” He says.   
“We need to stop the bleeding.” She says. “I saw a med room on the way here.”   
He says nothing. She puts his uninjured arm around her shoulder. He struggles to breathe. She tries to recall where she saw the room. Trace her steps her back.   
“Leave me here.” He says. “I’ll slow you down too much.”   
“No.” She says. “There are thing still out here.”   
She can sense them. One is just around the corner. It’s moving closer. Coming towards them. She tries to keep calm but deep down she can feel it- fear. She places him down against the wall. He turns he head, sees the creature emerge. Looks at her, expecting her to run away.   
Alex closes her eyes. There is only one though, one feeling that exists. It’s fear. She cannot lose him, not again. She feels it grow, consume her, overpower everything else. It comes alive. The familiar presence of her original self. Alex placing a hand on her shoulder. Her eyes glow, purple and white. She strikes, swift and deadly. Ripping the creature in half, holding it in both hands. Blood streaming down her face and on the front of her clothes. She turns to him, smiles. He looks surprised.   
It reacts to fear. That was how she made it. She wasn’t one to get scared easily. Death did not scare her. Neither did pain. Or something jumping out of the dark. She had lived her worst fear already. But now that fear was threatening to become real once more. Losing him was the only thing that still truly scared her.   
She manages to get him to the med room. Finds some medical supplies to clean the wound with and bandage. He sits there quietly, eyes closed. A million things going thought her mind. Questions she wants to ask. But there will be time for it later. She cleans the blood from her face.  
“It broke a few ribs.” He says once she is done with the shoulder.   
“I’ll take a look.” She’s being calm, precise.   
He tries to keep his face still when her hand touches his left side but it still contorts into a pained expression. She had removed his shirt to get to the shoulder. Starts bandaging him to keep the bones from moving too much. At least until they can get a proper hospital.   
“I couldn’t find any painkillers.” She says.   
“Don’t worry about it.” he says.   
“Stay here.” She says.” Rest. I still need to do something here. Then we can get out. I’ll get to you a hospital.”   
She break into a run. Mind racing. Part of it is the adrenalin, the rush still pulsing in her veins. So much needs to be done but time is short. She gets the notes from the lab, proof of what happened here. Finds some files on the kidnaped students. Sees the picture of the boy with the red headband. His name was Kenny. A hockey player. She grab the ethanol and a lighter that was in the room. Looks for the room with the flowers.   
The hall leading up to it is decorated like a cave with paintings. They depict the ritual involving the flowers. Freedman’s body is still there, flowers starting to grow over it. Consumed by the things he adored. She pours it over his body and lights it up. Takes one flower and put’s it into her bag. The fire spreads to the flowers, their vine like leaves act as a bridge for the fire to move from one part to the other. Rocks carved and filled with dirt, even a miniature waterfall. A replica of the cave. Now all gone up in flames. Whoever destroyed them did the right thing, she thinks. Perhaps she should go back to Africa and burn the Stairway to Heaven, so nobody else could use it to make monsters. How many more flowers like these exist in the world? She can only wonder.   
Alex goes to the security room, makes sure the footage of the fight is erased, so nobody knows that He is alive. Checks the map for an easier way out. With how much injuries he suffered going up to the first floor than walking through most of it to the elevator was not an option. She does locate a second elevator that’s on the bottom floor.   
He doesn’t look any better. The bandages are a little soaked with blood. He isn’t healing. It concerns her, the realization that he can’t beginning to sink in. He refuses her support, despite clearly being in pain.   
“I found another way out. It’s much closer.” She says.   
He pulls on the jacket, chest still bare. She feels around. There are still some creatures around but further away.   
“It’s clear for now.” She says, opens the door.   
She walks first, he follows.   
“That’s a pretty handy ability.” He says.   
“I know. I’ve only just discovered it myself. Tonight in the forest.” She admits.   
“A mutation?”   
She shakes her head.   
“I think it’s something else. They are not born from the same virus after all. Whatever bacteria lived in those flowers were not the same as the T-virus.”   
She sees Natalia up ahead by the elevator.   
“The coast is clear.” She gives a thumb up.   
Alex just smiles at her. It’s clear that Albert can’t see the girl. They get in and the elevator begins to go up. He slumps against the wall. She begins to feel tired. But also happy. The door opens and they are in a large office. Freedman’s she realizes. She helps him out. The door is locked. She looks around for the key. Notices a gun on the table. The elevator closes. A wall slides back into place. The portrait of Spencer on it, on the other one is Freedman’s. They seem to be having a stare down. She glares at the painting.   
“This is all your fault.” She says to the picture of Spencer.   
Albert seems to notice it now. He sits on a chair by the wall.   
“You’re supposed to be dead, and here you go creating another mess. When will it end?”   
She wonders. When will she be able to just live? This mess, they were supposed to go a party, have some fun, and get drunk, maybe make out in the backseat of the car. Then she looks at Albert. She was happy that he was back, worried about his injuries so the full realization slipped her. But now it has come around and hit her like a truck. He is back.   
The dreams she had. They told her of his return. It all happened like she had dreamt it. Them, making love on the table, the dance. Him taking another from. And then him leaving. “It’s not forever, just for a long time.” He disappears from her again. Tears begin to fall slowly on the papers. It’s dark in the room. She finally remembers who the man in front of her is. What kind of man Albert Wesker is. The Tyrant, the would be God. Then endless hunger and ambition. The serpent that would devour the world in its hunger. And she feels fear. He will do it again. Remake it. Cause another disaster like this, perhaps several. He is a wanted man, people want him dead. People want to know what he knows, they want his power. There is no chance for peace or happiness. Only hunger, and power and ambition. And then that hunger will consume him like it has in the past. He will die again. He will die, forever? And she will be left to mourn him once again. 

He struggles to keep his consciousness. Feeling weak. He is vaguely aware of Alex searching the room for the key.   
“Tell me something.” She says, her voice sounds strange.   
He raises his head.   
“What do you plan to do now that you’re back?”   
He focuses his vision on her form. Suddenly the lights come on. And he can see her clearly now. she is holding a gun, pointing it at him.   
“Will you seek revenge against Chris Redfield? Restart Uroboros? Cause another mess like this?” her hands are shaking, tears flowing down her face.” Because if you are. I’ll kill you right here.”   
He looks absolutely shocked. She doesn’t pull the trigger, doesn’t know if she can. She doesn’t want to. But losing him again would be too much. This way she could at least prevent it. Shoot him and then herself. He doesn’t answer, he looks almost scared. She is crying, her hands holding the gun shake. Before can speak something hits against the door. They hear voices outside. Another hit, the door is breaking.   
Alex lowers the gun.   
“Were in here!” she shouts.” We’re trapped!”   
The door breaks open.   
“Alex?” Claire is one of the first people she sees.   
“Claire.” It’s the first time she has called the woman by her name.   
Claire looks confused, mostly because of the way she looks. Short black hair, dark make up, now messy. Clothes soaked in blood. She gives her a stern almost angry look.   
“I had nothing to do with this.” Alex says.” I swear. It was supposed to be party and nothing else.”   
The men pick Him up.   
“He is badly hurt. We need medical transport.” One says into the ear piece.   
“What happened here?” Claire questions.   
She takes out the journal and files from her bag, hand them to Claire along with the flower, Spores and blood sample.   
“Don’t inhale anything from it. And keep it out of sunlight.” She says.   
Claire nods. Looks over the journal. Notices the picture of Spencer on the wall. Then gives Alex another questioning look.   
“The elevator to the lab is behind it.” She says. “We already burned the rest of the flowers. And once you’ve found a way to reverse it, make sure they destroy it.”   
“Don’t worry about that. “ She says, still skeptical. 

She sits in the car. Waits for Claire to finish talking to people. They took Eliot or at least they think so, to the hospital. She feels drained, ready to drop. Claire finally gets back into the car.   
“You and that guy, what was his name again?”   
“Eliot.” she says  
“Right. You were pretty thorough. There isn’t much left for us to do, aside from the cleanup. And with the samples you got making a cure for the infected should be possible.”   
She is too tired to realize the woman is giving her a compliment. Her mind focused on other things. What will come next?   
She falls asleep on the ride back. Wakes up in her room at the Burtons. Cid curled up next to her on the bed. Her body feel heavy. The light of early morning coming in thought the window. She sit’s up slowly. Somebody changed her clothes. The thought makes feel uncomfortable. Her hand moves to the tattoo. Cid lift’s up his head, yawns, and reaches out a paw. She smiles, scratches the cat under the chin. He purrs a little, then goes back to sleep.   
The water from the shower runs black and red. Dried blood still on her body. Black hair dye washing out. She is somewhat grateful they didn’t decide to bather while she was unconscious. She trusted Claire to be her warden, but that didn’t mean she trusted the Burtons or anyone else. To them she was still a monster, a criminal. She was the same to them as he was. A grim reminder of the past she can never shake.   
Her hair is back to being blond. A little more silvery but still blond. It’s short, messy, all over the place. She slicks it back, neat a lot of hair gel and spray to keep it from standing up in weird ways. She looks like the old Alex did, when she was younger. She cut her hair because she looked like a kid, she wanted to be taken seriously. She was seventeen while most around her were in their thirties or older. But she isn’t that person anymore.   
It’s quiet in the house. She takes one of Barry’s shaving razors. Shaves a line off the side, just above her ear, expands it. It looks strange, a little punk, Lucy would say it looks sick. She isn’t trying to impress anyone, just differentiate from her old self. Make sure she isn’t falling into the same old patterns as before.   
There are no messages on her phone. No calls. She decides to text Eliot’s phone. “We need to talk.” Waits. Wonder if he will reply. They took him to a hospital, but she didn’t know which one. What will he think? What will he do? She that threatened him after all surely he will see this as an act of treason. Will he try to kill her? See her as an obstacle in his plans and just eliminate her? He is the one patterns she cannot break and in the end he might be the one breaking her.   
She finally goes downstairs. Barry, Claire, Moira are in the living room. She doesn’t really care. Would prefer to be alone.   
“Alex.” Claire looks at her.”   
“Morning. “ She says.   
“You’ve been asleep for two days and that’s all you’ve got to say?” Moira says.   
This seems to get her attention.   
“Two days?”   
“Yeah. You were out cold. We couldn’t wake you up.” Claire says.   
She thinks on it. It was probably the strange powers that manifested. But she can’t say that to them.   
“Well it was an exhausting experience.” She says calmly.   
Claire goes to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.  
“Well.” Barry says, still avoids looking at her.” The B.S.A.A. were able to round up the infected students. And the first vaccines should be ready next week. Unfortunately the incident will be made public. Too many witnesses.”   
“But because of you it was stopped in record time. “ Claire says, placing a cup of coffee in front of her   
“Major casualties were avoided.”   
Alex takes the cup, turns away. This is making her uncomfortable. But then she remembers her hair is short and no longer cover up her face.   
“She’s blushing.” Moira nudges Claire.   
“It’s not like I had a choice.” She says   
She knows she did. She could have ran and left it all to the B.S.A.A.   
“We just happened to be there.”   
Claire nods.   
“Well, it’s a good thing you were there.”   
“You should consider joining Terrasave.” Moira says  
Barry chokes on his coffee.   
Alex just shakes her head.   
“Why not? You’re a natural at this!” Moira says.   
“It might look that way to you.” She says. “But I’ve already spend one lifetime wrapped up in B.O.W. and viruses.”   
“Well. Regardless, you and your friend saved a lot of people. “Claire says. “Oh, and he’s okay. They took him to a hospital in the next city. What happened to him anyways?”   
Alex tells her how they got attacked by Kenny in his transformed version. How Eliot tire to fight him but got knocked around. The floor suddenly collapsed and the monster got itself impaled on the bars. She decided she would keep the fact that Albert was alive to herself. At least until she knew where they stood.   
The weeks pass by. He doesn’t pick up his phone. Doesn’t show up at school. She had contacted the hospital and found out that two days after he was brought in, he just vanished. Her concern was growing. She even found the place where Eliot worked but they told them he quit all of a sudden. She checked the place he was renting- nothing. He was gone. She wonders if he will be coming for her. 

Classes are over. She walks out of the building and sees him leaning against the wall by the entrance. Wearing all black, dark glasses over his eyes. Just the auburn hair that looks out of place. She is a little happy and also worried.   
“Come with me.” He commands  
She does. He goes to a car parked just outside. It’s not Eliot’s car. This one looks new, all black. She gets in doesn’t ask where they are going. He doesn’t say anything. She keeps quiet. The silence is heavy. They drive out of town, they drive for a long time. it gets dark.  
They finally stop. It’ some remote place. Darkness has already set in. She can hear the ocean roar. The air is salty. He gets out of the car. Opens the door for her. She wonders if he really did plan to kill her. Bringing her to such a remote place. There are no lights around, no traces of people. He leads the way, to a sandy wild beach. She isn’t afraid, just saddened by the thought. She looks out to the ocean. A storm is brewing in the distance. It reminds her of the beach on the island. The sight of the ocean or sea had always reminded her of the grief she felt. The vast emptiness of it being the only thing that seemed to compare to her sorrow of losing him.   
She had asked him to kill her once. But he didn’t. She wonders how ironic it would be if he did now.   
“You wanted to talk.No one will bother us here.” He says.   
She wraps her arms around herself. Faces away from him.   
“Remember that night when you found me?” her voice is quiet. “When I asked you to kill me. Why didn’t you do it?”   
He remains silent for a time.   
“I couldn’t.” He simply says.   
“Did you hate me that much?” she feels the flood of emotions threatening to break though. “You left me..  
The moment those words leave her she can’t stop anymore. The tears begin to flow.  
“You left me all alone. Do you have any idea what that was like for me?!”   
The anger, the pain, the grief. She looks at him, but he has the same unreadable expression. The dark glasses covering his eyes.   
“I’m sorry.” He says, tries to approach her.   
She pulls away.   
“And now you’re back and you’re going to do it all gain.” She points her finger to his chest.” You’re going to do it all again and leave me to suffer! I should... I should just kill you know… and spare myself the pain…”   
“What do you want me to do?” He looks almost defeated by her words.   
“I want you to tell the truth!”   
Lightning flashes in the distance. The storms is approaching.   
“Tell me...” Her voice becomes quiet, almost a whisper.” Did you ever love me?”   
He looks shocked, the first genuine expression she has seen all night.   
“Was I just a convenience to you?! A warm body whenever you needed it?! Just another whore in your bed…  
“Of course not.” He takes a step towards her.   
This time she doesn’t move away.   
“You want to know what I want?”   
He nods, slowly. His arms around her, holding her against him.   
“I want a life with you.” she whispers against his chest. “Not as gods, just us. No viruses or monsters. No Umbrella or Spencer. I just want a life with you. But Could you? Give up on it, and just be with me. Give up on power, on ruling the world… you will die if you do it again. Somebody will kill you, stop whatever plans you made. And I don’t want to lose you again.”  
He places a kiss on the top of her head. Feels her shiver against him. She always wanted to know, but she was always afraid to hear the answer. Perhaps he did love her. But perhaps he loved power more. He is quiet. It frightens her.   
“Aright.” He says.   
She looks up at him almost certain she heard it wrong.   
“Alright.” He says it again.  
Lifting up her chin with his hand, placing a kiss one her lips. She opens up for him, lets him kiss her deeper.   
“I mean it” She says, when he breaks away.   
He has an amused expression.   
“I promise.” He says.   
“If you break it. I will kill you myself.” She looks him the eyes, despite the dark glasses.   
“I know.” He says.   
Rain begins to fall on the sand. First just a few drops, that soon turn into a downpour. They run back to the car.   
The backseat bends back, smooth leather. He puts a cover over it. Its looks almost like a bed. The engine works without a sound. The heating turned on. The cold drops of rain hit the roof. She lays in his arms. Still uncertain if she believes him. She wants to, desperately.   
“I still can’t believe you’re alive.” She whispers into his neck.   
“Neither can I.” He says.  
“How did you survive? The volcano, Uroboros’s weakness to head, getting shot.”   
“The virus managed to preserve my consciousness. Retain my memories. It survived but with a great cost. It became dormant for some time.”   
She considers his words.   
“Well I worked for Markus. “ She says.” I’ve read the reports.”   
“As the lava cooled the virus must have become trapped in its dormant state. As to how it ended up in the ocean I can only guess.”   
She recalls the volcanic rocks at Eliot’s house.   
“No. don’t tell me?”   
He looks at her, laughs.   
“Yes. I’m afraid our dear Eliot simply ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. The shards of glass that he cut himself on. It was the blood that awoke it from its sleep. And it began to infect him. I began to gain some lucidity but his immune system was trying to fight it off. The virus has lost much of its power.”   
“And if Eliot hadn’t been shot, then…”   
“He would have recovered and I wouldn’t be here.”   
She feels sad for Eliot. Yet happy that Albert is back.   
“He was a kind person.” She says.  
“He did like you.   
“It wouldn’t have worked.” She says kissing him.  
He raises an eyebrow at her.   
“I’m already someone else’s.”   
“Who’s the lucky guy?”   
“I’m kissing him right now.” she pulls him into another kiss.   
He deepens the kiss. Pulls her closer. She moves her hands down to his sides. He seems to have healed from his injuries. She stars pulling his shirt from where he tucked into his pants. Feels him chuckle into the kiss.   
“So eager.”   
She slides her hand under his shirt.   
“I’ve missed you so much.” She says.   
He flips them, she is pinned under him. Looks up at him surprised.  
“We have plenty of time to make up for lost time.”


End file.
